“You need to call mommy.” I stare into my brother’s sharp, dark eyes.
How dare he come in here, wake me up on my birthday, and then take it a step further by telling me that I have to make outgoing calls to people? To them, our parents. I don’t fuck with them right now. Whatsoever.
“I’m not calling anybody on my birthday. That’s ridiculous. You realize that right?” I examine his features out of habit. I like to pick apart people’s faces and try to trace their history. I look for scars, ruin. But also beauty, which I tend to find in all of it.
His complexion is much fairer than my own. Our mom is a white woman from Missouri named Alaina, and our dad is a brown-skinned giant from the Bahamas named Mitchell. How this match came about, is still a mystery to me.
All I know is that we are the Basdens, and that our name is supposed to mean everything to everyone. My parents don’t, and probably won’t, talk to me about relationships, love, or sex. They just don’t allow it for me. I feel as though they may think the conversation might encourage something disappointing.
It’s the reason I’m currently staying with my big-baller brother, Thomas, whom I absolutely love and adore. But I fear he fails to see things from my perspective a lot of the time. And so does our older brother, Mickie, the junior to our dad. And just like me and our dad, Mickie and I don’t like each other very much.
Thomas sits on the bed next to me.
“Listen kid, you know I love you to the end of this Earth… but you asked for some of this shit Amanda.” He tells me seriously. “I’m going to say this right now, and then let it go because it is your day.” He stops as if seeking some sort of permission.
I sigh looking around the beige-set room. I’ve got to put some color in here, considering it will be my space for a while. And I truly realize how fortunate I am to have a professional basketball player for a brother as money is never an object. It actually never was for us.
Thomas knew he’d follow in our father’s footsteps from a very young age, the same way our father followed in the footsteps of his own. That old man just can’t stop talking about all the records he’s broken on the court. Or how many shoulders of the “elite” he’s brushed up against.
Thomas is exactly the same. He never fails to be amazed by all that he’s achieved, starting with the fact that he’s the first ever high-school drafted player for the San Diego Sailors . Even his dwelling place serves as one of these talking points for him. I mean, this house is so big, he could move our whole family unit here and still have ample space to start a family of his own.
And I believe it’s what he wants. He has all this space but no one to share it with. Well, no one permanent. He can’t seem to keep a girlfriend. They all ask too much of him but give so little. This is the excuse he gives for why they never stay.
Currently, he has his dog Francis. Who was named after his high school best friend who died in a car accident years ago. And now he has me.
“Go ahead.” I wave as if to tell him to go on with his monologue.
“You’re going to have to talk to them at some point. You can stay here as long as you want, you know I don’t care. But they told me some of the shit you said behind that boy. He ain’t shit and you know it. I don’t even know where you get that from? Running around behind a high school drug dealer, who not only sat back while you got beat up for messing up his run, but also cheats on you? You have never seen dad doing none of that shit.”
I can’t exactly sit back and act like I’ve been innocent in everything Jaheim and I have going on. He’s really not as bad as they make him out to be. He’s actually really sweet to me.
“I messed up the run, not him. What happened to me had nothing to do with him. I should’ve paid attention to which bags I handed off to who. I asked to ride with him. He didn’t choose this, you know? Not everyone is fortunate enough to come from a family full of millionaires. And that cheating thing was nothing. I was overreacting. He just said he was gonna go fuck with her because I had an attitude.”
Thomas offers no words, just a stare that let’s me know he thinks I’m the stupidest person on the planet.
“You deserve so much better than Jaheim, Amanda. I see it, and so do our parents. So does Mickie. That boy is going to ruin you. And if he doesn’t, I’m sure another one will with the way you seem to pick ‘em. Get it together. You’re 17 now. You’re one year shy of adulthood. It’s time to start making better decisions.” He closes out his lecture.
He’s not wrong entirely. I just simply don’t want to hear any of this right now.
“I uh- I have to get ready for school.” I get up feeling a bit salty given I have yet to hear a flat out “happy birthday” from him.
He sighs and then sputters a while.
“I’m not gonna trip if you don’t go to school today. Happy Birthday.” He gets up to hug me.
Well that’s a first. Not the hug, but the not having to go to school. In our house, we go to school as long as we aren’t in the hospital. Birthdays and holidays be damned. Our dad never played when it came to our education.
I smile appreciating his temporary show of leniency. And then my face feels wet suddenly.
He frowns and his eyes soften significantly.
“Amanda my panda”, he mocks the way my dad used to come home calling for me when I was a toddler. “What’s wrong?” He reaches over to pull me closer so that I can lean on him.
I sniffle and wipe my tears quickly pushing him off in the most gentle way possible.
“I just had a moment. I’m fine. Thanks Tommy.” He just stares at me, refusing to hide the fact that he’s genuinely concerned.
I think I threatened to kill myself once when I was a bit younger and he’s never gotten over it seems. The truth is though, I feel it. I feel the way they look at me, the way they think of me. They treat me as if I am the worst child to ever walk the earth. Or like I’m the most unstable, most disorganized, in need of serious help. And I hate it.
Lately I’ve been feeling like there’s something unfixable within me. And the way Thomas looks at me sometimes, even though I’m the closest to him of everyone, just confirms it.
“Come here, I have something for you.” He tells me, switching his demeanor. He now wears a smile so big, it almost doesn’t fit on his face.
I follow him out of the room and downstairs unsure of what I should expect to see. We walk into the kitchen and he swipes a set of keys off of the counter before looking back at me with an unmoved grin.
“Thomas?” I quicken my steps and tail him outside, where there is a car I’ve never seen before sitting just beside his own in the driveway.
“Happy birthday baby sister. And just so you know, I told mom and dad I was getting you a car and they heavily protested it due to your behavior of late. But I’m giving you a chance. I’m trusting you. You still have a 10 ‘o’clock curfew, and no driving all your little friends around. You understand me?” I can tell he’s serious, and I don’t want to fuck this up.
Thomas is the only one in our family who still tries to give me the benefit of the doubt. And he still tries regardless of how many times I’ve fucked up. He never really yells at me, shuts me down, or puts his hands on me.
When I was 11, I had to be in the 6th grade or so, our parents went on an anniversary trip and left Mickie in charge. He was 26 and living on his own at the time. But he came to stay with Thomas and myself at the house in order to keep an eye on things.
Thomas wasn’t exactly the ideal babysitter for me because of how close we were in age and just to each other. He was newly 18 and always out with girls, or his friends, when he wasn’t in practice.
I had a math test coming up that I knew I’d fail due to consistently falling asleep in class. I just found it unfathomably boring. So I chose to sneak one of the smartest boys in class over to study while our parents were gone, thinking I’d get away with it.
And though nothing explicit was taking place in the room, my audacity alone made Mickie mad enough to beat the shit out of me. And he did so in front of the boy. The kid was a nerd who had been crushing on me for months, so he kept what happened to himself.
But I was humiliated, I lost whatever trust I may have had in my eldest brother. And to this day, I detest him like no one could ever imagine. The aftermath of the beating was so bad, Thomas didn’t speak to him for three months just about. My dad, who has always been fond of whoopings, even told him that he took things way too far.
I reach for my beloved big brother as my emotions once again get the better of me.
“I love you. Thank you so much! I love it!” I just allow my tears to flow freely as he puts the keys in my hand.
“I had another house key made for you too, there’s a design on it and everything.” He points to the key. “I meant it when I said this was your home too. Even though I really would like you to patch things up with our parents, I understand what you’re going through. For the most part, even if I don’t get why you do the shit you do, I know you. And I know you don’t mean any one else any harm. You’ll always have a place wherever I am Amanda. I love you.” He kisses the top of my head and then pushes me off toward the brand new all white Genesis G70.
When I get to the driver side door, I see that the interior is baby blue and gold. There’s no way he just got me a custom car. I barely even know how to drive.
I gasp and squeal with excitement I never knew I’d have. I never thought to ask for a car as I just assumed my parents would think I’m too irresponsible or just not deserving of one.
“Baby blue?!”
“Your favorite color if I recall correctly.”
“And you did!” I give him another hug, smiling to myself. “This is going to be a great day! I can feel it.”
“And it will be. So here’s how this works, you’re going to drop me off at training so I can make sure you know how to drive this thing. I’m going to give you the card, go get something cute to wear, or whatever it is you girls do at the mall. It may not be a sweet 17 or whatever, but the team is having a Valentine’s Day party, or something like that, for us after the game tonight. I may have made a few arrangements just for you.” There goes that smirk again.
“You made it a party for me?” My excitement continues to grow.
“Not exactly. It is a nightclub, but it’s a closed event, so I can sneak you in if you promise to stay on your best behavior. And since your birthday is literally two days before Valentine’s Day, it works out perfectly. I got them to carve out a section just for you and your friends, invite whoever. You’ll have your cake, and all that. If I had more time to plan I would’ve done something different for you…”
“No, I love this! It’s more than enough. You know I never really care to do anything big on my birthday anyways. Thank you Tommy! Come on, let’s go get ready! I’ve got some shopping to do!
“Don’t go crazy now Amanda.”
“I won’t.” I snicker to myself. He’s tripping if he expects me to shop on a Ross’s budget with a card as heavy as the one he’s about to put into my hand. Thomas knows his little sister’s taste, let’s be for real.
I practically run my way out of the Versace store hoping to get far enough from it before my brother checks his bank statement. If he sees that I spent almost $5000 on this black crystal mini dress, he’ll lose his shit. He may have a lot of money, but he’s almost too smart with it for his own good.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket for some entertainment as I continue my trek through Fashion Valley. As I mindlessly trot off toward the next store, a picture is sent to me from Jason, the first friends I made upon my making it to high school.
It appears to be Jaheim hugged up on this bitch named Reagan. The two of them have been caught in stand against the lockers hugged up in high definition. He and I have yet to really speak since the blow out with my parents over him, but he should know better than to play in my face like this.
Me and this girl absolutely do not deal with each other. So for him to hop from me to her is beyond petty. If you want me that bad, show me. Don’t go settling for my mini me.
This broad wants to be me so bad, and has since the 5th grade. She’s made it her personal mission to try and prove to me how much better she is by taking everything that used to be mine. How does that work?
She’s swooped in on my old friend group, almost all of my old boyfriends, everything just about. Like how pathetic do you have to be, to pretty much date everyone I have, with the exception of one guy?
The craziest part about our dynamic is that I’ve never once been mean to her. I’ve never excluded her from anything. I had plenty going on back then, but I was not a bully or a mean girl. All of this animosity on her end, is completely unprovoked. She’s just never liked me for some reason.
At first the distaste was slight. We’d just pass each other in the hallway and she’d roll her eyes or call me names. But none of that ever hurt my feelings. My confidence is much too high for me to be hurt by untruths like the ones she tend to spew.
But this, fucking with my man while he’s technically still my man, being that we never officially broke up, is the straw that just broke this camel’s back. I’ve been letting her live in peace, but now, it’s on.
I speed off to the school and pull around the back of the field knowing this is the hour we have health and fitness. This week is Kickball week. I park my new car in the mini lot reserved for the Health and Home Ec. teachers in order to bypass security. It takes about 45 seconds total to get from the car to the fence for me to hop the gate and get onto the field.
I’ve been called fat so many times for being a size 10/12 amongst 4/6 sizers. This has gone on for the majority of my high school career thus far. But I’ve never seen any of the other girls in my class jump as high, or run as fast as I can.
I think they really hate to acknowledge that athletics run in my genes, despite the way my body may be built. A lot of these girls also forget that I dominated Freshman year when I was on the cheer squad before growing bored of the catty bullshit.
I was born to be more of a drama geek, who also enjoys being carelessly stuffed in the center of a dance class or two. I grew up doing ballet, tap, and jazz. So having ‘Hip Hop/Jazz Techniques’ and ‘Latin Rhythms’ added to my schedule, did not phase me whatsoever.
These days though, my extracurriculars solely revolve around the guys I take interest in. And I’m not even bothered by this fact. I’m a multi-faceted person who just knows a lot of stuff that may, or may not, be useful later on because of it.
I trek across the field maintaining my invisibility. That is, up until my eager ass lab partner draws attention to my unexpected attendance. I forgot we had an experiment today that I was actually a bit excited for.
“Amanda! Hey girl! I didn’t know you were here today…” She rushes over to me and wraps her arms around me to force a sideways hug.
“Yeah, nah. I wasn’t. I’m here now though. Where the hell is Jaheim?” I ask glaring into her eyes to see if I can find the truth. I can tell she knows why I’m here by the change of expression on her face.
“Uh oh-, Uh… I last saw him outside the locker rooms. I’m not too sure no-” I look around and take a few steps backward trying to find him afar. And I catch them. Both her and him, all snuggled up in the dugout about 135 feet away from where I stand.
It doesn’t take me long to get over to where they are and I maintain my stance on the other side of the wall as I watch the two of them remain oblivious to my presence. They are so busy sucking on each other’s faces, they don’t even realize I’m standing here.
I just wait and watch, allowing my stomach to sink lower and lower into my abdomen.
“So Jaheim, when were you going to tell me that we broke up.” He pulls away instantly and stares into my eyes.
I’ve never been one to let my enemy see me cry. Reagan won’t get the satisfaction today. But she will see my rage. All she has to do is say something stupid. I’m with all the shit right now.
She rolls her eyes and snickers.
“Oh, so she’s still your bitch huh? What happened to you saying that you were done with each other?” She asks, turning his head to get a good look at his face. The audacity. She must be really comfortable with him. And I believed him the first time he told me nothing was going on with her.
I believed him when he said that he was just trying to make me upset by entertaining her the way he did. He told me nothing really happened.
“Listen Reagan, at this point… Jaheim is a piece of shit. And if you don’t see that, then you are just as deaf, dumb, and blind as I am. He cheated on me with you, and he’ll do the same to your desperate ass. Enjoy him while you can.”
“Aye, watch your mouth now Amanda. Don’t play with me. Let me talk to you.” He gets up and walks closer to the cut-out wall.
I kick my foot backwards to point my toe down in the dirt. I move my leg up and down trying to find some sort of comfort in the motion. Maybe even a bit of calm in the sound of the dirt around my shoe flying up, and settling once again.
“We don’t have shit to talk about.” I administer my words stern enough for him to take me seriously.
“I will enjoy him, that is. Thanks for that little speech Amanda. You can go back to sucking your brother’s dick for shoes and bags now. It’s your birthday today isn’t it?”
“Shit.” Jaheim whispers under his breath and I can see the apology forming in his mouth.
Not only did he just let this big-lipped buffoon just disrespect both me and my family, but he also forgot my birthday. Definitely a piece of shit. But he’s lucky she said what she said. She gets my wrath in his place because of her stupidity.
I laugh and play as if I’m about to walk off and leave the two of them to enjoy one another’s likeness.
“Alright, have whatever kind of day both of ya’ll are going to have… I hope it’s a shitty one by the way.” I turn and take a few steps tucking my hands into my pocket.
“Happy birthday honey.” She snipes and I pivot so fast, I don’t even realize I’ve cut the corner of the wall to snatch her up.
Fuck this bitch.
Engagement