Laughter fills the cafeteria and all eyes dart up to Reagan, who is walking in with one of the other girls on video, Yanelis.
Screams fill the huge room and suddenly, my nerves get the better of me. I run out the back door of the cafeteria in a full on panic.
“Why the fuck would I do that?” I ask myself aloud, feeling extremely guilty. Hopping the gate has pretty much become a habit, as much as I’ve skipped school the past few weeks.
And things get all too real when it dawns on me that getting over it isn’t as easy as it usually is. Am I getting fatter and less fit already? I must think, I haven’t been in dance practice every other day for three hours. But I’m always snacking until around 3 in the morning.
My brother is making himself a smoothie in the kitchen, rendering it impossible to just sneak by once I get home.
“Little girl, why are you home so early? Thought I’d be in training?” He squints as if he just caught me red-handed. I shrug and scratch my nose in response.
“Nah, I just felt like coming home. I’m still not feeling a hundred percent.”
“Did you make your doctor’s appointment?” He chops up a banana. “Sit down, have a smoothie. Get my little nephew strong.” He happily raises his arm to flex his muscles. I move around him to grab the strawberries, playfully grabbing at him. I’m snatched for a hug and the top of my head is showered in tiny kisses.
“My appointment is next week Friday, 10 am.” I smile and nod.
He does the same focusing back on the fruit. I watch carefully as he grabs the second blender to make my smoothie. Another topic of conversation is presented as the strawberries are cut up.
“So, you talk to him yet? Your uh- partner in crime?” He looks quickly at my stomach. I cover it with my arms and shake my head to tell him no.
“I called the restaurant and asked for him, they acted like they had no clue who I was talking about. But I have a good memory. I remember what he looked like. What was his name?” He asks.
“I don’t remember.” The lie must go on. “I was really high when the whole thing happened. I don’t remember much of it truthfully.” Staring down at my phone to avoid any further eye contact, my nerves are shot.
“If you think I’m going to let that nigga leave you on your own to deal with this baby, you’ve gotten me completely fucked up Amanda. If I have to get security footage from the hotel, I will.” He scrapes the strawberries, bananas and carrots into the blender for my smoothie before adding orange juice and protein powder.
Feeling compelled to keep my emotional distance, I get up to grab the bag of ice for him from the freezer. “Can you just leave it alone? I’ll handle it.” The goal is to get him to fall back.
“Nah, I’m not going to leave it alone, because I know you’re lying to me. You didn’t hook up with that boy. He was still working his shift while we sat down there for hours talking and whatever the hell. By the time I got upstairs around midnight, I went to your room first, realized you changed the key, and got another copy.”
Oh shit.
“I saw him leaving with one of the girls working at the desk white I was waiting for the new key. And I remember this because I went right to preparing my apology for when I got up to the room, but you were sound asleep by the time I got in the in there. So when would you have had time to sleep with him?” He puts the tops on the blenders, turning them both on.
We can’t talk during this time but I watch. I stare as the contents of the blender are shred into microscopic pieces that soon become liquid. I try to think of what answer I could possibly give him to get him off my back, but I’m shooting blanks right now.
The noise stops and then I’m faced with nothing but a patient expression that in reality, does not signify much patience.
“Thomas, what the fuck does it matter that he’s not the guy I slept with? It doesn’t change the fact that I’m pregnant. I lost my virginity and I’m not proud of how it happened still. I’m still suffering the consequences. Why do you care?”
“Because you’re living in my house! You are my responsibility! So I am your parent and you do not lie to me. I don’t care what it’s about.” He yells. “So, let’s try this again. When did this happen and with who? Somebody is getting hooked for this. At this point I don’t care who it is. Give me a name. I’m not footing the bill for this baby on my own.”
I can’t tell him. Especially not tonight, it’s a game night. He can’t take this on the court. Not when his teammate will be the subject of his anger and aggression. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t tell him. I can’t get Desmond in trouble for my ignorance and irresponsibility.
I willingly had sex with him while I was under the influence of drugs I chose to take and liquor I chose to drink. His life shouldn’t be fucked up because of my bad decision. He asked me to trust him, and to give him time. And that’s what I’m going to do.
“Here”. He pours my smoothie into a glass, sliding it over to me. “I’m not dealing with this right now since I’ve got a game to get ready for. You’ve got 24 hours to get your shit together before I leave for this road trip tomorrow night. If not, you’re going right back to your parents and that can deal with what the fuck you’ve been up to, ’cause I can’t deal with this shit anymore Amanda.” I stand silently as he pours his smoothie into his Yeti cup before grabbing his keys to leave the house.
He never walks away in an argument. He’s mad for real. I think I’ve finally pushed him too far. And he doesn’t even know the truth yet. What the hell am I going to do?
I cry to myself a while trying to figure out how I’m going to fix this mess I’ve made. Knowing I still have quite a bit of time to get some stuff together, I try to distract myself with mindless television.
Background noise to a perfectly matched moving picture that makes sense enough to not challenge, or put strain on my brain. I find comfort in the chaotic reality that is a 31-year old woman’s life.
Holding tight to my pillow, I periodically check the score of my brother’s game against the Lakers. The team is trying to clutch another playoff run, and with it being pretty much the final weeks before then, Tommy can’t afford anymore distractions.
My phone rings and though I’m hesitant to see who’s calling, I look and see it’s Daphne.
I answer the call, unsure of what to expect.
“Hey Daph.” I start softly.
“Hey, uh- I know this is a crazy ask, but you didn’t have anything to do with those videos being sent out did you? It’s just- Matthew is swearing on Mary, Malcom, and Mark that he didn’t send them. He thinks he was hacked somehow, but I know you had his phone…”
“No, of course not. I’m kind of offended that you asked, but no. I got the phone to handle my own business. I saw the other videos but I figured he would notice if any pictures other than the ones I sent him a while back, were gone.” I try to hide my need to cry by tucking my face into my shirt as I wait for her response.
She remains quiet a while.
“Daphne, I’m really fucked up right now. You don’t ev-“
“Yeah, I didn’t want to say anything about Reagan. I know you didn’t like the girl, but the fact that she was so torn up behind this that she just, like, killed herself, is really sad.”
What?
“This is news to me. What happened? I was talking about some shit I’m going th- not to sound selfish… I just… When?” I stand, full on fracturing at the details of the whole ordeal.
I mute the phone as I fall to the ground and cry out. I did this.
She was so embarrassed by the video getting out that she ran home and stuck her father’s gun in her mouth. Apparently she hid it behind her headboard in case of break-ins, which have gotten relatively more common in the area the past few years.
“I’m sorry Amanda, at least you knew to get your pictures off of the phone when you did. It’s just crazy though. It just doesn’t make sense, if Reagan knew about your pictures, how could she not know about her own videos?” She starts asking.
This I can’t answer, because I don’t know how that works with the lie I didn’t fully think through.
“I don’t know. Maybe she leaked them, hoping to gain some sort of sympathy, you know for attention? I mean, it sounds fucked up but who else would’ve hacked Matthew’s emails? She probably knew his passwords? And then to send it out during lunch, it’s like, people could’ve ran up to her to hug and comfort her. One of which being Jaheim. I don’t know Daph? Maybe she didn’t expect the blowback to be as bad as it was. The videos were posted to X. That’s more than just the school seeing it, the world has seen it.” I try to further cement the idea that this leak had nothing to do with me.
When I get off the phone with Daphne, I sit awhile trying to figure out what would be the smartest move to make.
With Daphne already coming to me to figure out whether or not I had something to do with the leak, it’s not far off to assume that I’d go down if this gets investigated. Revenge porn, child pornography, cyberbullying, you name it. These are all the things I think I could possibly be charged for.
“What is wrong with me?” I keep asking myself.
I decide to ring Desmond during half-time and he doesn’t answer. So I call again.
“What’s up? You good?” He whispers into the phone.
“I did something really fucking bad.” My cry can surely be heard. “I need you. I know you have a game and you probably can’t leave right now, but tonight? Can you come see me?” I sniffle and grab one of my duffle bags. “I need to get out of here. I’m just going to use the money you gave me the other night to get like, a hotel, or something.”
“Wait- wait, calm down. What happened? Hold on, let me try step out. Coach is bugging out right now.”
I put my phone on speaker and put it down. I can’t admit what I did on this phone call. What if they trace my call history to find out who I talked to? I have to get rid of this phone once I’m gone.
“I have to go Desmond. I’m just going to text you where to meet me after the game, can you do that? Can you just come for me and I’ll tell you everything then?” I beg.
He sighs.
“Amanda, I don’t like the way this sounds. What’s going on? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?”
“Just trust me.”
Hanging up to avoid any further questioning, I manage to regain some focus. My bag is packed with enough clothes, underwear, and shoes to last at least a week. I toss my toiletries in the bag before zipping it shut.
Where can I go that’s far away enough from here for me to remain obscure but close enough for Desmond to come get to me?
Mission Viejo. I have a fake ID that Jaheim got for me as a joke a while back when he tried to tempt me into going to this Islander club and cafe that was 21 and over. He thought I was too much of a “goodie two-shoes” when we first started talking.
He and some of his partners hung out there a lot. That’s where they were getting a lot of their business I presume. It’s a jam packed place just about every night as far as I know.
I never got to go with him though, since I made an effort to respect my curfew enough to not sneak out to one of those parties. He snuck out way too often. And that’s where the problems with his mom began.
At first she thought he just partied too much, too young. And then she realized he got in with this particular clique that was known in the neighborhood for dealing. It’s not his fault she can’t afford their lifestyle on a single-parent salary.
He’s doing what he can, and now so am I. There’s a boutique hotel that looks decent enough in the pictures for me to stay the night. I’m guessing I can use the fake ID to get a room without being noticed just in case I’m reported missing.
I text Desmond the hotel name and address before deleting the message and his contact. He knows that I will be calling him after the game from the hotel phone to tell him what room number I’m in.
The smart part of me decided to write his number down on a slip of paper. Its tucked away tight just in my bra, since my Shein sweatpants don’t have any pockets.
It would be best to write a note telling my brother that I’m leaving by choice. This way he doesn’t bother telling the police I was abducted or anything. If I tell him that I have a plan, and that I’m going to try to take care of things on my own, maybe he’ll let me do just that.
After searching for a reliable cab service, I call for a pickup down the street just outside the plaza with the flower shop. This is so that the home security system doesn’t pick up the plate of the car. I watch enough television to know the basics of going off the grid.
Once the car pulls up and the driver confirms the location, I quickly pop the SIM card out the side of my IPhone 13 Pro, snapping it in half. I then make sure to toss the broken sim down the sewagedrain and the phone in the trash, before getting into the car.
This is it. I’ve always fantasized about running away, never thought this is how I’d do it. But my family will finally get what they want, to not have to deal with a fucked up child.
Actually, from this moment forward, I’m not a child anymore. I’m a grown ass woman, who has to make the best decision for herself and her baby.
Desmond gets his call around 11 when I know he should probably be heading back home or out to see another bitch, if that’s what he’s into.
“I already started making my way to you. Amanda, you care to tell me what’s going on now? I have to be up early to take my kids to school in the morning before we get on the road again. I really don’t have time to be driving an hour away for a bunch of bullshit.”
Glad to know he sees it that way. I’m in a literal crisis, because of him.
“Don’t worry about it then. I’ll figure it out Desmond.” The discouragement can be heard in my voice.
He sighs.
“Just tell me what the issue is baby? We not gone go through this shit today.”
“I’m in the lobby and it’s quite a few people in here. I’ll tell you when you when I see you. I’m in room 21.”
There are two knocks on the door, which is opened immediately to his surprise.
“Damn.”
“I saw you get out of the car…” I move away from the door and turn around to look at him, resting my hand on my hips.
He looks around, frowning up his face immediately. It’s clear he’s put off by this environment.
“I need to make my money stretch.” I tell him looking down at my white fuzzy slippers that have somehow gotten a stain.
“Why? What the hell is going on?” He moves closer to me.
“I had to leave Des. Tommy was going to make me tell him, and he started talking about security cameras and I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t want you to get in trouble. And this fucking girl. She was watching me and Jaheim. And then she followed me to yours on some creep shit. She had pictures of us outside your house. So I uh- I did a lot of shit. It was a whole process but I had to trade a video she thought I had of her on my phone for the picture. But to get the video, I had to steal a phone and there were a lot of videos on this particular phone. I sent out the videos the guy had of Reagan and the other girls who have been bullying me. And then I got a call saying that Reagan killed herself today. Just after school.”
He doesn’t say anything. There’s just a look of confusion. He twists his head and squints his eyes slightly.
“What?”
“I made this girl from my school kill herself, because I sent out a video of her doing some real dirty stuff…” I’m more ashamed every time I say it. “Because she had a picture of us and threatened to turn it over to the media, police, or whoever. I fucked up really bad Desmond. Between this, and my brother finding out about us… I’m in some deep shit. I have to disappear. This child is going to look just like you. I’ve seen your family, you have some strong genes. How long am I supposed to lie? Me away, would benefit the both of us, right?” I try to catch his eyes.
“You know how silly this shit is though? You’re the child of a white woman and a rich black man. Your brother is an NBA All-Star. How long do you think it would take for them to track your ass down?” The look on his face grows into one of irritation.
My shoulders raise themselves.
“I don’t think they will. I left a note telling my brother that I’m leaving and that neither he or my family should be responsible for my “mistakes”. My phone has been tossed and my cards left. I damaged the sim card so they won’t know I’ve been talking to and texting you. But uh- I was thinking, about the night of the party… the club has cameras, right?” I want him to know that I’m serious about keeping him safe from any sort of trouble regarding this really sickening situation.
He nods.
“I already took care of that though.” He looks just as ashamed. “I knew if they happened to look back over the footage from that night for some reason, they would see it, and it could’ve came back to bite me in the ass. I couldn’t take that chance. After dropping you home, I went back to the club and paid the owner whatever he wanted to scrub everything.”
I have no idea what to do or say now. I settle on biting the tip of the nail on my thumb, just watching him think for a while.
His eyes get smaller, its obvious he’s thinking long and hard about this.
“I’m sorry. This is a lot, I know. I just didn’t know what to do.” I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate. My eyes get watery and I start realizing how big of a decision I just made.
But there is no undoing it now is there?
I’m officially a runaway. I have nothing and no one. I left my parents behind, I left my brother behind, my friends, my life.
Desmond pulls me into his chest and wraps both arms around me. His hand moves to the back of my head. He kisses my temple a few times, rubbing his fingertips up and down my spine to comfort me.
“You just tried to keep me safe. I know. I’m sorry you’re going through all this baby. I don’t mean to cause you so much trouble. I’m going to take care of everything. Just give me a minute to figure this out… I promised that I was going to take care of you and our baby. You don’t have to worry about that. I appreciate you.” He kisses my cheek and then my lips.
I’m released from his hold and my first instinct is to sit on the bed where my bag is. “Is this all your stuff?” I nod in response to his ask.
“I mean, I have a few items in the bathroom. What are you doing?” He moves over to me, zips the bag back up, then picks it up.
“What I said I would. You’re not staying here. This place is a hot ass mess. Grab the stuff in the bathroom so we can get out of here.”
We get in the car and drive about 20 minutes up the road to San Clemente, a city I never even knew existed until we drove past the sign.
Desmond has a condo here that no one but him and the realtor knows about. Not even his wife. He bought it last year after falling in love with a golf course here called Bella Collina. Apparently, this is his happy place, it’s really quiet enabling his undivided focus. He likes the fact that he can move around unbothered because no one is looking for, or taking pictures of, him.
Shit, I get just a fraction of the unwanted attention as a player’s sibling, so I can’t imagine what it must be like for him. To have your name in the news and blogs constantly, and the there’s people popping out of the woodwork to spy on you.
Women throw their panties at him after games, as he’s walking into the tunnel. And they do so in front of his wife. It’s funny how we can pick up on a failing relationship, even from afar. The world loves him, the world wants him. And the crazy thing is, none of these people even really know him.
He’s a good guy, just lost. Kind of like me. I’m a good kid, just lost, and always have been.
All anyone really knows about him, is that he’s a sharp-shooter who also happens to be one of the top 3 defenders in the league. He’s a highly sought after Guard who is perfectly happy here in San Diego and plans to end his career as a franchise player. And he’s extremely handsome, despite the slight crooks in his teeth. His looks are the main reason I fell for him in the first place. But there’s something about him, I don’t know what it is, that’s made me fall in much further than I ever thought I could.
He’s sweet, to me at least. He seems sort of attached honestly. Why else would he be here when he doesn’t have to deal with me? He could’ve just fucked me that night and went about his business. I really wasn’t pressing him, at least I don’t think so.
“You need anything else sweetheart?” He smiles as he tucks the flat sheet under the corner of the mattress. I can’t help the little laugh that escapes my lips. “You eat at all tonight?”
I shake my head no. I haven’t exactly thought about food. I’m not a stress eater. He groans letting me know he’s frustrated with my poor choice.
“Come on now, you can’t be starving my baby like that Amanda. What do you want to eat? I’ll go grab you something. And then we have to make you a grocery list, and discuss a few things.”
He said he needed to get home didn’t he? I feel I can manage. He doesn’t need to be doing all of this.
“If you could grab me something to eat now, I’d appreciate it. But you wanted to get home, I can write you a list while you’re out. Maybe just a few things I like and you could just Instacart them here under a dummy account or something. Use your second phone number to do it.”
This condo is an end unit with quite a bit of privacy. There’s a huge back patio with high walls and not much visibility when it comes to who’s living on the other side. The walls are pretty thick seems like, and there’s a smaller patio space between the entrance gate and the front door.
“I think I can do a decent job staying hidden here. You don’t have to worry Des, I know I can’t mess this up for you. I won’t. Thank you for coming when I called. Go take your kids to school, I got this.” I try to put on as brave of a face as I can.
The truth is, I’m scared. I don’t know what to expect, or how to feel. I know I’m probably just making another mistake, that’s what a part of me wants to believe. The bigger part though, just wants to get some sleep in my brand new bed, in what is now my new home.
It could be much worse, right?
Engagement