The walk around the field to my car is a long and silent one. I can feel my brother’s frustration with me. I already know he’s going to say that this is embarrassing, it’s bad press, yada, yada. But the truth is, I never asked for the burden of being under any sort of microscope. All this attention just ain’t worth it. I never asked for anyone to record a fight I was in, post it online, and use my brother’s name to garner views, likes, and possibly a payout.
I can hear him huffing and puffing, and though I won’t look at him, I just know he’s shaking his head in disbelief. Well, maybe not disbelief, but disappointment. And I feel terrible. Today of all days, that bitch just had to try it.
“Give me the keys.” There’s no flexibility in his voice whatsoever. I finally look up at him and sigh.
“Thomas?”
“Amanda, I’m not doing this with you right now. Give me the keys to my car.” He looks to my waist where the keys hang from my pockets and snatches them off of my person.
We get in the car and as we put our seat belts on, he starts to go off.
“How the hell do you get into a fight at school when you aren’t even supposed to be there? What is wrong with you? You had a nice day off, done got a new car, and took it to the mall to run my damn credit card up. Who the hell do you think you are? Waltzing your unemployed ass into the Versace store?”
I knew this was going to be a thing.
He stops himself as he puts the key into the ignition. He sighs and looks my way.
“Why were you here? Given who else was involved in this altercation, I already know it has something to do with that knucklehead. I thought you were done with him. You lied to me?” He seeks some understanding.
I shrug. “We were, and then we talked it out. That’s what I thought.” The waterworks start. I’m hurt and I can’t even lie. “He cheated on me.” I fully break down. “He slept with her because I wouldn’t sleep with him.” And that’s the full truth.
Jaheim and I have been together for almost a full year and to him, our first time together is long overdue.
“Amanda, you can’t be serious right now. Not to be a dick, but you knew he was a cheater. And if even if you didn’t, you knew this was coming. You’ve been having problems with this girl. If you were going to put hands on her, you had plenty of chances to do so. But over this jailbound, bum-life loving, rut of a boy? You’ve got more sense than that. And I know you do.”
And this is where he takes shit too far. He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. The fight wasn’t even about Jaheim.
“I didn’t fight her because of him. I dropped that bitch because of what she said about you! You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about. She called you a pedophile in front of the whole health class. You think I was going to just let that shit slide Tommy? No, her ass needed to get stomped for that. It was a violation and you know what?” My attitude shifts.
I sit up in my seat and fix my face.
“I don’t feel bad about giving her ass the whooping she deserved. I’ve never fought before, didn’t even know I could. I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m glad. I hope she needs stitches quite frankly. Cause I bet she’ll never say some sick shit like that again. You have to give me a pass for this one.” I shrug.
His eyes widen at my statement.
“She called me a wh- Nevermind. Don’t even repeat what she said. I just… this doesn’t look good at all.”
I’ve actually never seen him this lost for words.
“This is what I’ve been trying to tell you guys. This is what I’ve been dealing with. Hearing lies about yourself doesn’t feel good, does it?” I ask him.
He shakes his head no.
“Listen, I’ve got a game to play in a few hours. Forget that little bitch right now. Him too. We need to get back to the house and get ourselves together. You hungry?” He opts to change the subject and a strong sense of relief washes over me.
Fortunately, my little drama didn’t manage to knock my brother off his game tonight and he, along with the team, was able to clutch a win. As I wait for him outside the locker room, I stare at the multiple missed calls from Jaheim.
I don’t want to hear a single thing he has to say to me… But he should hear what I have to say to him. I press the notification and put the phone to my ear.
“Damn baby, I thought you we-”
“No, shut the hell up.” I start to grow enraged again, replaying the kiss I saw between him and Reagan earlier today.
I don’t know what I have to do in order to make this kind of hurt go away. I’ve been there for him. I’ve helped him through his family problems, when he was struggling to keep his grades up the final quarter of last school year, all of that.
And this is what he does?
“All of the stuff you’ve said to me was a lie, Jaheim. You told me that it was my choice, and that I was freakin’ worth the wait. All of that was a lie. And it’s so disrespectful to me, and all of the bullshit I’ve done to have your back and help you out when you were at your lowest. Oh but now you’re up there right? Your money is up, life is good, you feel like a king huh?” I’m a mess all over again.
I’m literally in the middle of a hallway, in an arena crowded with players, reporters, photographers, and all. And he’s got me acting like this.
I sniffle and wipe my face before continuing my rant.
“She’s fucked like half the school you know that right? And was she the one who pissed in an eye drop bottle for you when your momma found out you were hanging with them Islanders? When she wanted to test you to see if you were smoking pot? Did she sneak you into her house so you could have a safe place to lay your head at night when you got kicked out for dealing? No, I was!” I don’t even realize I’m yelling until I feel a few sets of new eyes turn in my direction.
But I don’t give a damn. I’m going to get everything off of my chest and be done with Jaheim forever.
“And today is my birthday, but I have yet to talk to my parents, because of you. Because of the way I violated the rules of their home, for you. I will never forgive you. Do not speak to me again. Don’t call my phone. Don’t text me, don’t even look my way when you see me at school, once I get back that is. I’ll be out for a week because of you as well. So thanks for the vacation. I guess you did get me a birthday present after all. I get to actually enjoy my night given I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow and see your stupid ass face. Have a nice life.” I hang up and damn near toss the phone.
“Woah, fight club… Don’t tell me your ass done got in trouble at school because of some peeze-ball-headed ass boy?” I see my brother’s teammate, Ke’Andre, walking in my direction.
He’s a close friend of the family and has been for years. Our dads played together on the Hornets back in the day. I was yet to be born but Tommy had to be around 5 or so when our dad retired with the team. Ke’andre is seven years older than him at the almost ripe-for-the-sport age of 31.
Once our dad retired, he moved our family out this way for a brief coaching stint with the Sailors, which is also the team that Ke’Andre was traded to in his second season as a professional player. His first season with the Sailors at age 22 was my dad’s last year on the coaching staff at age 45.
This means Ke’Andre has witnessed my growth from the still-early age of 8 years old. He’s essentially a third older brother to me. He has two little girls, one 8 years old named Keanna, and the other 3 years old named Kelanie. I’ve been babysitting about twice a month, on date nights, for the past two years. They call me Auntie Mandie. That’s how close we are, so he knows me and very well knows I’m better than this bullshit.
And I have to admit that I’m a bit ashamed. Ke’Andre and his wife bought tickets to our Black History Showcase. I choreographed the opening piece for it and now I’m not even allowed to perform.
“I already feel stupid enough Dre. Don’t make me feel worse.” He pulls me into a hug.
“I kind of have to. Because not only have your parents and your brothers told you to keep away from that nigga, but so did I. When he pulled up to my house to pick you up that night you watched the kids while we were at the play, with his car smelling like a grow house… didn’t I text you and tell you that he was bad news the second I got in the house? And now look at you, you’re out of school, out of this show that you worked so hard on, and you got played in the end.”
I can help but roll my eyes. Not at him, but at myself, at my stupidity. Why would I ruin my opportunity to prove myself a visionary? And my ruin my pretty perfect record with this suspension? Even though the fight wasn’t about Jaheim per se, there’s no good way to explain it on a college application or in an interview.
“You are special Amanda, not like the other broads at that school. You are precious, and you know it. A lot of them boys want what you have, and when you won’t give it to them, they will certainly get it from somewhere else. Jaheim is one of those boys and he showed his ass. Which, we all told you he would. He wasn’t and never will be worth this much trouble Amanda. Don’t ruin your life over a bum-ass boy. This is the last time you gonna hear me say this shit, for real. You’re my little sister too, and I’m telling you, he ain’t worth it.” He finishes his long speech by grabbing both my hands to add a bit more weight to his words of endearment.
I can only nod and try not to cry. Everything he said was a hundred percent correct. But I still feel like shit because I just lost my first love to a slut who just made herself that irresistible.
Bad girls like her sure do make innocent ones like me, feel like fuck ups for not just giving it away to any and everyone. She got to know him in ways I didn’t. She got closer to him than I have just by laying next to him naked. He was mine. Now he’s not.
And it’s all I can think about.
“Alright munchkin, you ready to go have a good time?” My brother cuts in before Ke’andre could attempt to offer anymore words of encouragement.
I straighten up as best I can knowing he’ll pick up on any little change in my attitude.
“I was wondering what was taking you so long. I have to go get ready Thomas!” I playfully bark at him. I wrap my arms around him and rest my nose against the blade of his shoulder to hide the fact that I’m about 13 seconds away from crying again.
I’m trying my hardest to get it together, but I’m sad. And I’ve never tasted liquor before, nor have I ever gotten high. Tonight that all changes regardless of how much of a microscope I may be under.
The plan is to get seriously so fucked up so that I can’t feel an ounce of emotion. I just don’t want to feel this hurt anymore and I’m willing to do anything to make it stop.
Engagement