I come down the stairs in my sparkling black mini dress trying to convince myself that I look a lot better than I feel. My confidence is definitely shot at the moment and a huge part of me doesn’t know how I’ll recover. All I can feel right now is hurt.
“Aw shit now lil sis. Don’t hurt ‘em.” My brother hypes me up as he stands at the counter fidgeting with his watch to tighten it on his wrist. I rub my hands down my figure as I walk past him to take a look in the floor length mirror that sits in the living room.
The shimmery body butter I just bought definitely has my melanin poppin’. I managed to successfully freshen up my unruly edges and have somehow gotten them to look better than they did when I slicked them down before the game. My criss-crossed rubber band style still holds firmly in place which gives me a little bit of an attitude boost. One of the bands usually pop before I’m ready to be done with the style.
“Alright, we’re already a little late, come on. Are we picking up your study buddies on the way?” He asks for the second time in the past hour.
“Thomas, I already told you no. My goodness brother, you’re only 24. They’re knocking you around a little too much on that court I see. Your mind is going bad too soon.”
“Shut up.” He opens the door walking out without engaging further with my insult. “Meet me in the car.”
I take a quick picture of my look to post on my instagram, as well as send it to my best friend Emily. She’s just getting back from being out of town for a funeral, so she’s too beat to make it. She said she’s not going to school tomorrow so she’ll come by and hang for a while.
And surprisingly, Jason’s parents are being super strict with him right now. He snuck out to go see his boy toy a few weeks ago and was assigned an earlier curfew that this party goes way past.
Fortunately for me though, the girls from my Chemistry study group are too smart to not be trusted by their parents. So a few of them are coming out to show me some love on my big night.
Davina and Daphne are twins who come from a home full of free spirits. So they are always with the shit. Daphne is a gender-nonconformist who has a thing for women who are at least 3 years older than her. On the other hand, Davina is super feminine, soft, and turns her hopeless romantic tendencies toward athletes who only mean her trouble.
She never seems to get the trouble though. I mean, of course not. She’s a little white girl who can do no wrong. She’s currently dating the captain of the Baseball team, who was notorious for never making a girl his main despite how many of them try to hold his hand in the hallway.
But Davina’s hand is never apart from his own when they are together. He lets her leave her books in his locker, has his personal chef make her lunch as well as his own, and even takes her home after school when Daphne has a chick to meet with. I think he really likes her. He doesn’t deny her when people address her as his girl, which I think is sweet. I wonder how he’d feel though, if he saw the way she has been staring at the ball players in this room right now.
Jenina is also in attendance and she brought her brother Matthew out to party too. He’s cool, a grade above us. And he used to date Reagan, I can work with that.
Looking around, I lose focus for a bit examining the space. It’s a huge club. I mean, I can’t really make a comparison in relation to another club since I’ve never been in one. But the space is big. I particularly love the way it’s lit up with red lights and adorned with clusters of red rose petals hanging from the ceiling at various points throughout the venue.
”You bring the stuff?” I can hear Daph ask Jen. She sounds like a full on crack-head and my curiosity is peaked. I look to my right at Matthew who takes his seat in the booth next to me. He nods and pulls a little baggie full of thick, circular gummies out of his jacket pocket.
Daphne takes the bag and hands him cash in exchange.
”Hey, Amanda babe. You’re getting so trashed tonight girl it’s not even funny. Here, eat one of these. I promise you’ll forget all about the bullshit from earlier.” I turn to her enthused. She takes my hand and puts one of the gummies into it.
What do I have to lose?
After popping the gummy in my mouth, Davina hands Daphne a cup full of lemonade she just poured from the pitcher my brother ordered for our “kiddie” section. Daphne hands me the cup and I take a sip knowing she probably spiked it with whatever was in her mom’s flask. She is always stealing that lady’s liquor.
I have some super booksmart friends who are also wild as fuck it seems.
“She spiked this liquor with lemonade.” I gag at the taste of the little bit I swallow and they all laugh.
”One more sip.” Davina encourages me as I do my best to hold my breath and finish the drink. If they promised me “fucked up”, then “fucked up” is what I want. I’m into the idea of making a stupid decision tonight.
”Awe. Welcome to the club babes, finally. That eddy is going to hit in about 30 minutes. Get your shit together.” Daphne takes my hand and pulls me out onto the dance floor with her. She lets loose in a way I’ve never been able to in a room full of strangers.
I look around at all the eyes that could possibly be on me and see none. Everyone is sort of in their own element and it makes me feel a bit more comfortable doing my thing.
I roll my hips forcefully enough to turn around. I let loose enough to dance up on one of the only people in this venue I trust enough to let this close to me. Daphne takes her hands to my waist matching my movements subtly and we just dance.
This feels good. It feels like I’ve forgotten something, and I don’t even care to remember what it was. I’ve been on this floor for what feels like hours. Time has slowed quite a bit, I feel weightless. I feel halfway asleep, though I still have enough energy to get into some more shit I shouldn’t.
“Dance with me baby.” Matthew pulls me by my lower back as a slower song starts to play. I face him and stare into his dark eyes. A few of his curls have found themselves free of the messy bun he keeps them in.
“I don’t know if you want me to come over…” one of my favorite Jorja Smith songs starts to bump through the speakers and my movements instantly sync with the rhythm.
Matthew pulls my body closer to his and then I’m hit. I can feel everything. I can feel his heart beating through his shirt against my chest. There’s this sexual energy coursing through my veins all of a sudden. I hear cheers coming from my little section and turn around to see Jenina recording her brother and I.
I decide to turn the seduction up a bit, momentarily forgetting that we are in the middle of a room full of adults. One of whom happens to be my big brother. Too late, I tug at my dress, pulling it up a bit higher onto my thigh as I press my behind against the front of Matthew’s body.
She’s going to post this on her story, it’s going to be passed around at a rate much faster than the one I’ll be able to walk over to her with. That bitch is going to see this. She is going to watch me dirty grind up against her ex. I want to know how it feels. There’s a part of me that needs to know how much power courses through a woman’s veins when she steals the attention and affection of another woman’s lover. Reagan needs to feel that hurt just the same.
While I slowly slide my way down Matthew’s frame, suddenly, a strong set of eyes can be felt pulling me apart. Looking to my right, I catch this man staring me down harder than I’ve ever witnessed before.
My brother’s teammate Desmond. A buttery brown-skinned man with beautiful, beaming, bright brown eyes. His eyes are the kind of brown that you can tell is brown. Not dark brown, or near black like my own. They stand apart from the rest of his face.
The grip on his glass tightens as he drops his hand to his side. Even as I catch him in his glance, it looks as though he doesn’t even care that he’s watching me this hard. I’m the kid sister of his teammate and close friend. And he’s married.
But I see his wife nowhere in sight. It’s a Valentine’s Day party, why would she not be in attendance as well?
“Alright, so I see my little sister has lost her fucking mind. So let’s put a pause in this party for a moment.” I hear my brother’s voice cut through the music.
There are a few laughs amongst the crowd and then more eyes find their way over to me and Matthew.
A snicker escapes and I quickly pull away from him. My right hand takes Matthew’s left innocently. I don’t know how well I’m playing my little sexy act off though, given I literally can’t stop laughing like an idiot.
Matthew stares into my eyes a moment and chuckles.
“Amanda, you’re gone.” He looks down and I can see I’ve gotten him a tad bit excited. I quickly and awkwardly pull him back up into our section as my brother follows us with the mic in hand.
“So, not to put her business out there, but my sister is going through a bit of a heartbreak right now. So forgive her antics tonight for those of you who have watched and wondered. She’s just trying to have a good time as it is her birthday today, which is why she’s here. She’s one year closer to 18, which she will be next year and most definitely will be celebrating separate from me in a club just the same. I wanted to give her a taste of that in a more controlled setting where we can make sure she’s safe and ensure she gets home okay. So forgive the fact that there are a couple of minors in the building.” He’s going on a tangent now.
Slightly embarrassed and unsure of how to handle this attention, I wave nervously at the crowd.
Thomas waves for me to join him back on the dance floor. I suck my teeth silently as I oblige his request.
He takes my hand and there’s a three-tier red, white and burgundy heart shaped cake rolled out to the center of the club.
The top of it reads: “Happy Birthday Amanda, stay sweet.”
“This little girl, and I don’t care how old you get, you will always be my little one… I was the first one to hold you in the hospital after mom. I carried you into the house. I’ve watched over you and loved you all these years and I will never stop. You are my best friend, my heart, and the only woman besides mommy that I think I’ll ever love unconditionally the way you should love a person. And I’m not ashamed to admit that. Today is your day and I’m glad I could spend it with you.”
This is so sweet, I can feel my emotions attempting to fight through my high.
“I just want you to remember that no matter how many people tell you otherwise, you are worthy of love, compassion, respect, and commitment. Heartbreak and hurt is never to be settled for and I will do my best to help you stand on that. But in the event that I can’t, I want you to know that you are sweet by nature. You were a little rough with me and Micky coming up but you’re not a fighter, nor have you ever been. Stay sweet, anytime you feel yourself acting opposite of that, it means you’re around the wrong people. This is you. Happy birthday baby sister.” He finishes his speech with tears in his eyes and wraps his arms around me in a hug.
Oohs and awes erupt throughout the room and everyone cheers me on as I move to cut the first slice of the cake.
“We love you Amanda!” I can hear Ke’andre and his wife yelling from across the floor. My friends stand just behind me clapping and encouraging me to make the first mark.
I laugh in response and do as expected. I don’t see how anyone could ruin this night for me now. I’m Her.
“Study Buddies, I appreciate you guys for coming out tonight to celebrate my sister. You’re more than welcome to continue hanging out, this is a safe environment and this area belongs to you guys for the night. Just as long as your parents are okay with it though. But we are about to head out as I have a migraine that won’t let me live right now.” Tommy finishes his glass of water when he gets done speaking.
Matthew gets up to clap hands with him as a show of appreciation.
“Tonight has been great, we appreciate you for extending an invitation to such a low-key event like this. It’s nice that the team does stuff like this for you guys.”
“Thanks Matthew, and aye… keep your hands off my sister bruh.” He aggressively taps Matthews shoulder. “Ladies.” My brother waves goodbye to the girls.
“See you later Tommy. We’re going to head out in just a bit too, I’m going to have our older cousin pick us up.” Davina speaks happily as she leans her tipsy ass up against Daphne.
I just took another edible, as I felt confident in my ability to handle the gradual high of the first one. I also managed to swipe a glass of champagne from one of the trays going around. I’m thinking it may be too dark for my brother to tell that I’m borderline cross-faded. I’d be a fool not to take this opportunity to enjoy it.
I’m not ready to go.
“Goodnight.” Daphne and Jenina speak simultaneously.
Tommy walks off so quick, I practically have to run behind him. I catch him just as he’s approaching the back exit to head toward the car.
“Tommy, can’t we just stay a few more minutes? Please? The party is still going strong, and their curfew is way later than mine… just for tonight?”
He sighs and shakes his head no.
“I’m not feeling too hot Amanda… I’m going to trust you. Who are you riding home with?” He seeks information.
“Daph and Vi.” I shout excitedly knowing Daphne’s cousin will have no problem talking me home as well.
“Wake me up when you get home in the event I fall asleep, just so I know that you made it. Or if you are staying with them, call me and tell me that’s the plan. Got it?” He stares into my eyes hard and I can tell he’s a bit skeptical.
“Got it.” I nod and smile. He hugs me and kisses my temple twice.
“I love you. I’ll see you when you get home.”
“Love you too.”
My attempt to make a bathroom stop on the way back in is hindered due to it being currently occupied. My eyes turn toward the bathroom with the male sign on the door.
“That one is occupied as well.” I hear a familiar voice to the left of me. I turn and though it’s super dark, I can make sense of the fact that it’s Desmond given his height and shape.
He gets closer to me as I move back to wait against the wall. I start to feel the high of the second edible coming on and I fall into an unstoppable fit of laughter. The series of messages coming in from Jaheim has me weak. He’s such a damn idiot. I get two calls in a row and watch as my phone rings. Awe he’s jealous.
“Somebody is enjoying their birthday very much it seems.” I feel the heat from Desmond’s body radiating onto my own.
I don’t offer any response as I try my best to focus on the near-threatening messages enough to read them.
So you can’t pick up the phone cause you in the club dancing on another nigga. I’mma see you in a bit. That’s a bunch of bullshit.
Pick up the phone Amanda. We gone talk this shit out.
You think fucking on Matthew is going to make me feel some type of way? You only hurting yourself if you give it up to his lame ass, no one thinks this shit is cute.
He must feel guilty for his actions. Why else would he automatically assume that Matthew and I had sex? We’re in a club. Does he seriously think that less of me?
“I’m trying to. This shit is so fucking stupid. I just-” I turn my phone off and slip it back into my clutch.
“Love at your age is pointless. Ain’t no use in crying over the shit falling apart.” I turn my head to look at him.
“That’s harsh.” I try not to take his word to heart. I don’t think it’s pointless with the right person. Jaheim just isn’t it.
He shrugs as if he could care less and then he lifts his hand to take a sip of his drink.
“Only people who think love is pointless are the ones who are bitter about losing it with someone they feel they shouldn’t have lost. Where’s your wife?”
He looks at me as if I just disrespected him.
I laugh at his expression and realize he doesn’t find it funny.
“Sorry, I just… you’re at a Valentine’s day party without the person you’re married to. It’s kind of odd.”
“Isn’t it?” He sucks in a sharp stream of air as if he’d rather not be talking to me about this.
Maybe he could help with my dilemma?
“Do all men cheat?”
He cackles, and I’m not amused in the slightest by his response. He realizes and straightens up a bit.
“Forgive me, I’m a little drunk if you can’t tell.”
“I can.” There’s a slight slur in every third word that comes from his mouth and I can see in his expression that he’s not all there.
“I’d like to think that we all do. Sometimes we just can’t help it.”
I don’t think I can accept that though. Can’t help it? Just don’t stick your dick where it doesn’t belong. It can’t be that damn hard.
“That’s bullshit. It sounds like an excuse. Like I’m just supposed to be okay with that?”
“Well, what else are you going to do then? You either take it or leave.”
“You’re a piece of shit.” I roll my eyes and refocus on my wait for the bathroom.
He sputters and then he tries to salvage himself.
“Is that what your brother meant? By you being heartbroken? That’s why you were dancing up on that kid like that? And your phone was just blowing up?” Now he has all the questions.
I want to ignore him but the best I can do is answer his question with another one of my own. But my thoughts have significantly slowed down, and so has my ability to conjure up the right words.
“Can you still love a woman… when you, when he, cheats?” I try my hardest and laugh off the grammatical chaos.
He looks at me with sincere eyes.
“Believe it or not, yeah. A lot of times we do still love our woman when we fuck another one.”
“Can a woman love a man when she does it?”
He shakes his head no.
“When a woman does it, the relationship is dead to her. Ya’ll don’t work the same way we do.”
I want my relationship with Jaheim to die. I don’t want to love him anymore. And I know how I’m going to stop.
“I thought I felt like staying a while longer and sent my brother off. You don’t look like you’re having much fun either, can I catch a ride with you?”
He laughs and shakes his head no.
“I might be leaving here but I’m not going home anytime soon.” It seems as though that might have been a warning.
I grab the glass from his hand and finish it.
“That’s fine with me. Come on.” I leave the cup on the floor next to my feet.
We get outside and within minutes a Black SUV pulls around. Everyone else is still in the venue so it’s just the two of us. I turn to see him staring at me with his hands in his pockets. He looks unsure.
“Amanda, what are you doing?” He asks, trying to catch my motive.
“Catching a ride. Is this yours?” I point to the vehicle with a huge smile. I have no idea where we’re going or what’s going to happen. But, I’m sure it will most likely be better than going home to cry in my bathtub.
“Mhmm. Let me make myself clear…” he walks up on me.
“You don’t have to, I saw the way you were looking at me. I know.” And saying these words just makes this whole situation a lot more real than it was a few minutes ago in my head.
“You sure? Cause if you get in this car, you’re coming with me. And we ain’t going home.” He looks directly into my eyes as he speaks.
Chills run up the center of my back but I feel like I have something to prove.
My dad always told me that my ego would get me in some serious trouble someday. Maybe this is the day he was talking about.
“I know.”
Engagement