The car door is opened for me to get in quickly for the sake of discretion. Suddenly, my blood heats up, signaling some sort of imminent danger. Or something to come that I’ll most likely regret. Desmond places his hand on the small of my back, silently letting me know that it is of utmost urgency that none of this is seen.
I move as far to the left as I am able to on the 2nd row bench, before clicking myself into the seat belt.
He gets in next to me and closes the door.
“You alright back there Chis? I’m sure even God can smell the liquor on your breath. I wouldn’t try talk to him for a while.” The driver jokes.
Desmond throws his head back against the seat and lets out a hearty laugh.
“Trust me, I have nothing good to say to him right now. You know where I’m going.” His eyes dart to me and his hand finds refuge on my leg.
“Yes sir.” It’s as if this man already knows not to make whatever Desmond has going on, his business.
He has yet to even look back here, and I am unable to find his eyes in the rear view mirror.
I can feel his heated hand crawling up the inside of my thigh and the sensation tickles. I laugh a bit which eases my nerves, only slightly though as Desmond moves closer to me.
He unclips my seat belt and his other hand takes my face. He puts his lips on mine and for a moment I’m thrown off.
Jaheim is the only person I’ve ever touched in any sort of intimate manner.
“You smell so good, I want to fucking eat you.” I find my ex-lover in his eyes.
I know Jaheim is only saying these things to “get in my pants” as my brother would tell it.
“Mhmm. It’s a new perfume I picked up when I went to the mall with Tommy. Tory Birch I think. I love it too.”
He laughs and scratches the part between the two braids closest to his ear.
“You’re so cute.” He hooks his finger on the collar of my shirt to pull me closer. “Let me get another kiss.”
I straddle him, and even though I’m still fully clothed, what I’m feeling beneath me tells me that this is not a good situation. His hands run up and down my thighs as he sits comfortably beneath me with his shirt off.
I really like Jaheim and I think he’s cute. We’d definitely look good together if we can make it work. I just don’t feel ready to do this part of the relationship yet.
I guess… if I’m being honest, I feel like he’s not necessarily worth ruining the thing I’m most proud of.
I’m the girl guys want. The girl that is always told she’s great to look at, but everyone knows they’ll never get to touch. I’m not easy, nor have I ever been. He’s not worth taking that from me as of right now, no matter how much fun I feel I have when he’s around.
I pull myself off of him and he groans slightly as I button my pants back up. I climb off of the bed to put my shoes on.
“Can you take me home?” I sigh, nervous an argument will soon erupt.
“No.” I turn my head quickly to examine his response. “Not until we talk about what the hell it is we are doing Amanda. You come over here and play these little games and I’m sick of that shit. Am I your boyfriend or just someone you want to drag around for the sake of company? I feel like you just using me to piss your people off at this point.”
How dare he? When he knows I literally got kicked out of the house for him and had to move in with my brother, not that it’s a bad set up. But I did get my ass beat on account of running the streets with him when I didn’t have to, yet I’m the one doing the dragging?
“Jaheim, tread lightly okay. Because you’re just talking shit right now. I would hate to hurt your feelings.” I stare straight into his agitated eyes. “All the times I asked you what we were and you said stupid shit like “we just fucking around”. Never once have you addressed yourself as my boyfriend. Nor have you expressed any real interest in being that. But now you desperate to fuck, and you want the title? Save that shit for a simpler bitch.” I snap.
He gets up and walks over to where I am.
Both of my hands are grabbed by his super soft, much warmer ones for him to open my arms and force a hug. He kisses my lips three times in a row.
“You know I love you. I don’t know why you get to acting like this. Who else I be with? I pick you up for school and make sure you get home at the end of the day. Who else have I ever done some shit like this for?” He asks and I can see that he expects an answer.
I look around his unkempt room and shudder at the thought of even laying naked in his bed. He’s always been a messy person, but now that I really think deeply about the whole situation, it’s even more bothersome. I shouldn’t have to come over here and clean up after him to feel comfortable laying next to him. I always do this and I’m over it.
“So? None of that shit makes you my boyfriend. Cause if it did, you wouldn’t need me to sleep with you to prove the shit. Take me home.”
“Nah. Cause I’m not done talking. If you want to leave, by all means you can go then.” He pulls away and moves around the bed to sit at his desk. There’s a slight whirring sound that cuts through my thoughts as he turns on his custom-built PC.
I simply put my shoes on, saying nothing further before walking out of the room. Sneaking past his roommates, who are sharing a bong in the living room with some friends, is nearly impossible with the amount of noise expelling from my lungs as I fight off a crying fit.
“Bye Amanda.” I can hear from the overly occupied area, hoping I made it to the door without being seen. How humiliating. I came with him and I’m leaving alone. I’m sure they are going to ask him about it. And knowing him, he’s going to tell them.
Studying the patterns on the ceiling, I try my hardest to make sense of everything that just took place. My bare body remains buried beneath the one of this 30-year-old I’ve known for years, and have never had any interest in prior to tonight.
It didn’t feel all that good. So I’m quite confused by the hype surrounding the act. Why is sex even such a big deal? This is what Jaheim went behind my back to do with that dummy? It may have felt good to him but I know it didn’t for her, why go through all the trouble? Why get your ass beat in a dugout for this?
Our lips touch again and he moans into my mouth as he pulls out of me.
His body is removed from my own as he rolls over onto the bed saying nothing whatsoever. Maybe he’s tired after all that? I know I am. Not because of the sex, being that I didn’t have to do much. But I am tired and in a little bit of pain. Truthfully, I don’t feel like talking much, or even moving.
I’d just like to close my eyes and pretend I’m back home in my own bed with Francis laying under the covers just next to me, snoring shamelessly.
I open my eyes to the sound of a ringing phone and I’m instantly hit with a headache. There’s also a wave of nausea so bad, I have no choice but to rush over to bathroom to lean over the toilet.
The little bit of liquid left in me, finds its way out and I’m left dry heaving for about 4 minutes.
The bathroom door opens and I can feel those eyes on me again. Only this time it’s nothing sexy or exciting about the way I feel on the other side of them.
I get up and rinse my mouth out in the sink only to then realize I’m still entirely naked.
“There’s blood all over the sheets… you’re on your period? And you slept naked?” I detect judgement in his voice, which is really fucking annoying in all actuality. I don’t remember him sounding like this last night. Truthfully, I don’t remember much at all.
I stare at him through the mirror above the sink.
“I’m not on my period. And can you like, stop looking at me please?” I grow uncomfortable under his gaze and attempt to hide myself.
He widens his eyes.
“Did I hurt you?” I push him out of the way gently so that I can go look for myself to see what he’s talking about. There’s a huge red stain in the center of the seemingly once spotless white sheets.
“No, I’m fine. I need to get home. What time is it?” I look in my clutch for my phone which was turned off. “Shit.”
“Relax, it’s going on 7 am you’re not late for school yet. Listen, we’re not going to have to talk about this ever again are we? I mean, I’m sure I don’t really need to tell you to not mention this to… well, anyone. Right?”
My phone cuts on and notifications come in by the droves. From everyone.
The twins have both called me like four times each. Jenina called once and texted twice. Let’s not even talk about Jaheim. And my brother… has called me seven times, and sent me three text messages that I can’t even bother to read right now.
“Amanda?”
“Can you shut the fuck up for like five seconds? No, I’m not going to tell my brother that I got cross-faded and had sex for the first time with his drunk ass teammate. What do you think I’m some kind of idiot?” I snap as I rush and put my dress back on. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
He walks over to me and places both of his hands on the sides of my arm.
“Hey, chill out. You’re talking real crazy. It ain’t even like that.” He moves his hands and adjusts my face to make me look him in the eyes. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have… this wouldn’t have happened.”
I nod not wanting to hear anything he has to say right now. What the fuck have I done? I’m no better than her. Reagan was the other woman, now so am I.
“I need to get home. My brother is going to literally kill me.” I panic knowing I neglected to check in. I’ve been out all night.
“I’ve got my driver coming in a few minutes. I’ll take you.”
“No, I’ll Uber.”
“Stop being difficult. I can take you. If I know your brother as well as I think I do, I can tell you he’s most definitely with his trainer right now. He has some vendetta against number 24 on the Spurs. He’s probably doing an extra hour this morning.” He states a fact.
I crook my expression thinking about it.
“Amanda, please. I want to make sure you get home alright. Let me look out for you.” He kisses my cheek.
I nod allowing him his wish. And when I get home, I jump straight into the shower where I’m met with a stream of red that runs down my thighs to wash down the drain.
Soft pink matter. In the words of Frank Ocean. A part of me is gone, possibly the biggest part and I don’t even remember how it happened. I had an idea of what I wanted my first time to look, feel, and be like. Last night was nothing close to it, from the bit I can recall.
It hurt. It was wet, warm and sticky. His noises were unnatural, not necessarily bad or creepy. I’ve just never heard anything like it. I can tell he felt good, I think he did. He lasted a while, I might’ve fallen asleep in the midst of it. I just remember the beginning and the end. His kisses were nice but they weren’t the kisses I shared with the one I loved. The one I still think I love.
If I would’ve just given it to Jaheim when he asked, maybe I would’ve had something much better to go off of.
I quickly part my hair into big plaits to dry wavy and then go into my clutch to find my card. I’m certainly in no shape to cook anything right now, so my only other option is to order something to fill my stomach with. Digging through the clutch, I discover the baggie full of gummies from last night. Well, there are actually only 4 left now. Did Daph leave these for me?
Wow, my homegirl knew I needed them. And, where the fuck is Emily? She said she was coming by today.
I get back downstairs, where I left my phone to charge on Tommy’s favorite couch. Initially, the plan was to watch a bit of TV down here to numb my mind some more. But, my brother walks through the door just as I grab the phone to check my notifications.
“Hey, you… little girl, why you be playing with me? I told you to let me know if you were staying out didn’t I?” I turn to look at him.
“You did, it wasn’t intentional Thomas. I turned my phone off to stop Jaheim from calling me. But I still want to talk to him. So badly… I’m in so much pain because of it. I don’t know what to do.” I sigh and walk past him to sit on the couch.
“Why do you love this boy so much Amanda?” He sounds so over the situation, it’s like he’d rather not even be talking about it.
I twist my face up at his question.
“Did you sleep with him? I mean, that can be the only reason you’re this attached.”
I kiss my teeth at the stupidity.
“No! What the hell do you think this is Tommy?” I cross my arms in protest. “Unbelieveable. And even if I did, that’s none of your business I would think.”
“You thought wrong. You not gone be in my house fuckin’. So mom and dad can say I’m the reason you turned out to be a teen mom? Don’t be an idiot Amanda.”
“Whatever. You’re annoying as hell.” I get up and unplug my phone to go back upstairs to my room. My high is starting to come on from the gummy I just took, and I’m glad it is with the way Tommy is acting.
“And go pack your stuff, our flight leaves tonight at 5, to San Antonio.”
I stop and turn to examine him.
“What?”
“Yeah, you’re coming with me. You ain’t going to school and I don’t trust your ass to be here alone. I already made the arrangements. You’ll have your own room and all, but it’ll give me a way to keep an eye on you. And it’ll give you something to do.” He tells me sternly.
I hiss a bit and move to my room to pack as I was told. I guess, I have nothing better to do after all.
Once we make it up to my suite, Thomas leaves me to get settled in before we have to go down for the team dinner.
I’m locked into the seat on the sofa in the living room, staring mindlessly at my contacts list. Should I delete his number?
That shit wouldn’t work. I know it by heart. He made me remember it in case of emergencies. He cares just that much. Though before I can call him, there’s a knock on my room door.
I open it without bothering to check who it is, assuming my brother might’ve left his copy of the key in here, but I’m stunned to find Desmond at the door. He pushes himself into me to come into the room and closes the door back quickly.
I back away.
“Well excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?” I fold my arms not in the mood for whatever this is.
He moves past me to sit on the sofa where I was.
“Come sit with me real quick.” He pats the spot on the brown two-seater next to him.
“Nah, I’m straight. What do you want?”
“Why you acting like that?” He frowns.
I shrug not knowing why it is I don’t care to see him right now. I haven’t been able to stop trying to figure out what the fucked happened last night.
“What happened last night Desmond? I can’t remember anything. It was the first time for me and I don’t remember it.”
He rubs his beard as if trying to think about what to say.
“I don’t remember much either. So, I can’t help you with that. Just wanted to make sure you were straight. You ain’t feeling no type of way are you?”
He wants to make sure I’m not going to tell on him.
“I’m not going to say anything Desmond. You can go.” My ear catches the sound of my phone ringing. Rushing to answer it, Desmond grabs the phone before I can get to it.
“I thought you got cheated on?”
I laugh in disbelief and move to grab the device from him. He pulls his hand back, preventing me from snatching it. He snickers.
“Give me the damn phone. You play too much.” I pop his arm and snatch it. He wraps his arm around my waist to pull me down next to him.
He locks my phone and tucks it in the chair on the other side of himself.
“Why won’t you let me answer the phone?”
“Cause you don’t need to be talking to that nigga. He hurt you. Don’t start off stupid this young. You have no reason to be this desperate.”
I roll my eyes and get up, upset by his implication. I snatch my phone back and tell him to leave.
“You don’t know shit about my reason Desmond. I have a lot to do before dinner tonight, so you can see yourself out. How about you go check in with your wife? Let her know you made it safely.”
He nods laughing as if impressed by my audacity.
“Yeah, I’ll go do that.” He gets up and leaves without saying anything further. Despite the fact that he can’t see my finger on the other side of the door, I flick him off to express my irritation.
I take a look at myself in the mirror to admire my deep yellow silk maxi dress that has not too high of a slit on the left thigh to contrast the halter neckline. I pair it with some white sandal heels that are super cute, but don’t compromise my comfort.
“Cute.” I whisper before stepping out into the living room where my brother waits for us to walk down to the restaurant together.
He furrows an eyebrow at the sight of me and tells me I look ridiculous.
“It’s just a team dinner, the hell you all dressed up for?”
“Because I can be. Stop hating.” I wave him off as I walk past him. “One of us has to look like we give a damn about our appearance. If not, these people are going to think our parents raised a house full of wolves.”
“Yeah right ugly.” He playfully shoves me as he walks closely behind.
We both laugh and whatever nerves I may have felt about sitting in a room full of people, particularly, with the man I lost my innocence to last night, has dissipated.
“I’ll have the Halibut.” I speak confidently with a smile as I hand my menu over. “This is a nice really nice restaurant by the way.” I flirt with the server who I managed to finesse when my brother wasn’t looking.
He’s going to bring me a drink but sell it as a virgin one. I have no shame at this point. I’m going to live my best life right now, by any means. When I get back home and can return to school, I’ll have enough to worry about.
“Thank you for dining with us here at the Hotel Emma.”
“No thank you.” I wink and look him up and down curiously. He’s cute. White boy with dark brown hair that’s somehow managed to loc up beautifully. He also has a tiny nose ring and arm full of tats that I think is kind of spicy.
“Amanda?” My brother snaps at me to get my attention.
“Don’t even think about it. My goodness.” He shakes his head, proceeding to take a bite of his buttered bread. I snicker to myself and watch my phone as it rings. Just as I swipe it off the table to answer it, Coach Gordan gets up to give a speech.
“Yeah y’all got this. I’m going to go to the bathroom or something.” I get up and strut past Desmond’s table with the intention of allowing him to see that my phone is once again ringing. I’m not going to answer it, but I want him to think I am. I’m really just going to sneak off outside to hit the pen I swiped from the server’s pocket.
I can tell it has some sort of weed in it. It doesn’t look like the vape devices that cause cancer like cigarettes. Jaheim was hooked on those for a while and then I started hiding them whenever we would get together. At first he use to tweak out for not being about to take a puff of it, but then he started to focus on me and he lost use of them. This eventually led to him being completely weaned off.
Fuck I miss him.
A text comes through just as I get into the bathroom stall and lock myself into it.
I miss you Amanda.
My eyes lock onto the bathroom chandelier as I acknowledge the fact that I’m feeling a bit of that hurt come back through.
I miss you too.
I can’t help my response. Since the two of us met, we’ve never spent this long ignoring each other intentionally.
Where you at? I came by the house again.
Again?
What do you mean again? When did you come by?
Late last night. You brother didn’t tell you?
He certainly didn’t.
Engagement