I’ve been coasting the past few weeks, doing my best to stay out of drama. Avoiding any sort of trouble seems to be the best route to take for the sake of my brother’s peace.
And I have to admit, I’m really proud of myself. My grades are at a steady high B, with maybe one or two A’s. The level of focus I have is steadier than I can say it’s ever been.
Emily and I still aren’t talking. We’ve tried to talk things out with Jason’s help, but he’s leaned more onto her side it appears. I have no choice other than to leave them to each other’s likeness.
I’m happy with my “study buddies”, as my brother has coined them. They are a good group of friends and they care. I can count on them to listen when I need an attentive ear, and they aren’t too “goodie” to have a good time.
Getting high has become a new hobby of mine and while I may be younger than the legal age for consumption, it helps. The sight of Jaheim still causes some sort of phantom pain. Though, at night my memory leaves me beneath Desmond.
The edibles have been really harsh on my stomach though, so I initially gave smoking a try before it almost landed me in trouble due to the lingering smell.
To keep me in the game, Davina gave me the vaporizer that Daphne gifted her for Christmas, hoping she’d like it better than having to roll. And trust, even though I’m a rookie to the world of weed, I know she’s terrible at rolling a joint. She’d just rather beg Daphne to roll for her, she loves the taste of smoke apparently.
This thing is working wonders for me on the other hand. I’ve been somewhat sad of late, and I feel as though this may be helping me keep a positive outlook on my situation. Even though I truly have no idea, what my situation even is.
Desmond and I have been avoiding each other like the plague still. Well, he’s mostly avoiding me. He hasn’t even bothered to look my way at any of the recent games.
He’s been to the house once since the last time, but he was completely uninterested in anything coming out of my mouth. I could’ve sworn there was no bad blood between us when I left him at the hotel that night. Maybe I read that whole situation wrong. Who knows?
As I sit alone at lunch, thinking about all I’ve been up to of late, someone comes to sit next to me. The smell of weed cuts cleanly through the expensive cologne I’ve come to register with one man in particular.
“What’s up?” I play it cool and act as if I’d rather not be bothered by Jaheim and whatever bullshit he plans to bring my way.
“Amanda, I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with us. We talked in Texas, things were good and then just like that they weren’t. You told me you got over the shit with Reagan…”
“Yet you still running around behind her. I see the shit, even if you don’t think I’m paying attention. You’ve been all over her in Health class and she’s dropping essays off on your behalf in the middle of a class that she knows I have that hour. I haven’t let the shit bother me, but that’s your bitch now apparently. So what the hell am I to do about it? You got mad cause I pulled a you on you. So you ran off to be with her as if she were some sort of replacement or upgrade for me. I don’t like that, whatsoever.” I speak in a matter of fact way.
“You told me to leave the room, so I did just that. Like you told me to, I came back. We’ve both just been here and it’s been feeling like you ain’t tryin’ to be up on me.”
“You never asked. And never bothered to check in, you just went about your own thing. The way you always do. You did when your homeboys jumped me, you did the first time I wouldn’t fuck you. And you did when I told you that I made what was probably the biggest mistake of my life by fucking another person to spite you. I can’t necessarily blame you, but I am mad at you. I’m lonely and I lost a huge part of myself that I’m trying believe I don’t care to get back.” I shrug and wave him off.
He rests his chin on my shoulder as I feel tears starting to fall.
“I really fucked up. Shit, this is so embarrassing.” I get up and try to walk away but he stops me.
“Stop doing that. I’m trying to talk to you Amanda. I want to see how you’ve been.” He holds my hand. He kisses it.
I shrug.
“I’ve just been Jaheim. How are you?” I chuckle to myself.
“I’m straight but I was better, I was happier when I had you. I’m not saying you gotta get back together with me right now, but can we at least be friends. I don’t know. Get some shit to eat. You love chicken wings. That’s was our thing. I miss that.” He smiles.
I fight the urge to smile back as I stare into his eyes. Without my minds consent, I lean forward to kiss his forehead, while rubbing my hands through his braids.
He wraps an arm around me to pull me back down to sit with him.
“I came to the house the other night, I didn’t get out or anything like that though, cause I saw your dad’s whip in the driveway. What was up with that?” He’s curious. My dad is the last person he wants a run in with.
My parents and I have been making an effort to patch our relationship since Tommy cussed them clean the hell out for just abandoning me the way they did. He cracked on our mom for altering her treatment of me on behalf of father’s negative attitude toward me.
In the same light, our father now knows that just because he didn’t expect to have, or possess any sort of knowledge of how to raise a girl, his responsibility for me wasn’t erased.
It was a heavy-hearted night for certain, and things still aren’t where they should be. We’re going to start family therapy in the off season, and all of us are going, Micky included.
“Nothing much right now. I just found out that my parents pretty much never wanted a daughter to begin with. So they decided I was just too much to handle and my brother took on both their roles. Both he and I have very little trust in, or respect for, them right now. It’s just… how do you move past never being wanted?” I looked at him hoping he can give me some kind of answer.
All he can do is express his heartbreak for me with a rhythmic twisting of his neck.
“Like I wasn’t even worth a phone call on my birthday and I’m hurt by that still. I don’t know how I’ll get past that. I don’t care that the man bought me a tennis bracelet for a belated birthday gift. Money won’t fix the many problems I have with them.” The rage that burns in my chest right now, is an unfamiliar one.
And this is why we worked so well. Jaheim was always able to get me to talk, kind of like my brother. He’s been gone all week and I miss him so much. He’ll be back in four days and I’m counting down the minutes. It’s been so quiet in the house without him.
Yo lil’ ass went to school today?
Speaking of my angel.
I lift my phone to take a picture of the school mascot painted on the cafeteria wall. I stick the middle finger in front of the camera before taking the picture to send to him.
Good shit. Love you. He responds with a laughing emoji attached to his message.
I shake my head and lock the phone back. I’m genuinely happy to hear from him. A coughing fit randomly befalls me and I have to try extremely hard to make it stop.
“I’m sorry.” I laugh pushing Jaheim away.
“You good?”
“Nah, I just got a bad tickle in my throat. I think I’m getting sick actually, I want to go home.” My yawn makes me recognize my sudden fatigue.
He takes a hand to the middle of my back and rubs in circles. “You trying to cut? If we going though, we gotta go before 7th hour. ‘Cause them guards be trippin’.” He stands and pulls me up with him.
I shake my head no.
“I’m good. There’s a review for Finance that I can’t miss.” I try to think more long-term.
“I took it already. I’ll go over some flashcards or some shit. Come on. I just want to make sure you’re straight. You look real run down. No disrespect.”
I definitely feel run down.
“Yeah, okay. I drove though, maybe just tail me?”
He nods, wrapping me in his arms a moment.
“Come on.”
I’ve been in bed now for six days straight, and nothing or no one can help me feel better. I’ve got quite the fever, my nose is running laps, I’ve got a bad cough and I’ve even managed to lose my voice.
“Hey kiddo, how you feeling?” My brother takes a seat on couch next to me, laying a hand on my forehead.
I have the meanest headache and wish for nothing more than to be left unbothered. His hand is brushed away as I attempt to hide under the blanket.
“Jaheim and your study buddies don’t seem to be sick, is it something going around the school?” He asks the stupidest questions.
“I don’t know. Thomas, please. I can’t deal with this interrogation right now.”
“Sorry baby. Just trying to figure out what it could possibly be that’s got you feeling like this. Are you about to start your period? Maybe that could be the issue. I had a girlfriend back in college who would sometimes get real sick around that time.” He continues to ramble and it hits me that I haven’t gotten my period yet.
Oh shit.
When my brother leaves to me to enjoy the episode of SpongeBob playing on the TV, I grab my phone to call Jaheim.
“What’s up baby? How you feeling?”
“Where are you?”
“At the crib about to get down on a grilled cheese. You need me?”
“Mhmm. I need you to grab something for me. No judgment right?” My voice cracks, I’m terrified by the thought of my sin being cemented in the form of a child.
“What’s up?” He asks seriously.
I drown myself in water to the point of feeling like I’m about burst.
“Relax Amanda. Damn. You don’t need that much pee for these things for work properly. Just piss in this cup and then we can dip them as we need to.” He comes up with a much simpler solution.
“Shit. Okay.” I’m nervous as hell. I piss in what I didn’t even realize was my brother’s favorite glass.
I hold it up and stare at Jaheim as if he’s the silliest person on the planet.
“This is Tommy’s glass you know? That’s disgusting.” My voice is weak.
He shrugs carelessly.
“How the hell was I supposed to know that’s a special glass? I just grabbed it out of the cabinet. We’ll hit it with that Microban, don’t trip.” He collects the glass full of my pale yellow urine.
All three of the pregnancy tests are dipped while I wipe myself dry and redress. He lays them all on the counter before folding his arms, he watches me. Both of my shoulders are raised and I wonder what he could possibly be looking at.
“So you gonna tell me who the daddy is?” He sniffles.
“There is no dad.” I lie. “I don’t fucking know. It was drunken kind of thing. I just got fucked.” I withhold as much of the truth as possible.
He laughs, but it’s not your typical “I find this funny” kind of laugh. It’s more of a “I can’t believe this bitch” kind of laugh.
“Were you too drunk to make the nigga wear a condom?”
I just remain silent. I’m ashamed that I thought I knew enough to do what I was doing, but I clearly didn’t. I’ve never seen a condom before, nor do I know what it actually does. I’ve heard of one, but never saw it being used in any of the videos I watched.
I just thought it was normal for people to have sex the way Desmond and I did. He never mentioned a condom, or did anything other than stick himself inside of me.
He looks down at the tests and rubs his eyes with his thumb and index finger. Moving away from the counter, his finger points down at the row of tests.
I step closer to see that they all read “pregnant”.
“Oh my God.” I stare at them, feeling as though this may just be some kind of dream.
Desmond got me pregnant? The one thing my brother told me absolutely not to do, I somehow found a way to get done.
“What you gonna do?” Jaheim asks completely dismissing himself from the situation.
How does he expect me to give him an answer to a question I never knew he’d ask?
“It’s not your problem. You don’t have to worry about it. I appreciate you though, for bringing me the tests. I’m sure I don’t have to ask you to keep this shit right here in this bathroom?”
He shakes his head no.
“It ain’t even like that. I know it’s not my problem but I’m here for you. I just- this is something you have to make a decision about Amanda. A kid is a big deal.”
“I know that! You don’t think I know that?”
“You don’t, because you don’t even know who the father is, or where he is.” This is far from the truth but he doesn’t need to know that. The situation is messy as hell. And I don’t know how I’m going to maneuver it.
He shifts into the room to take a seat on the bed. He hangs his head in his hand and huffs his breath.
“Why are you upset?” I wonder.
“Because I want to be with you Amanda, damn. You my girl, and then you went and did some dumb shit like this. A baby? We haven’t even graduated high school.”
Oh my goodness. he’s so dramatic and this is the problem. He makes everything about him. About what he thinks is right or wrong. I can’t deal with his hysterics right now. Clearly I know this is a fucked up situation. But I’m not going to go back and forth with him about it.
“And I can’t change that. I get that you’re bothered, or whatever by this. But I have my own shit to worry about as of right this second. You have no idea how much trouble I just got myself into. I’m the one with a life growing inside of me that I’m not sure how I’m going to care for. So I’m going to let you be upset about this by yourself right now.”
He kisses his teeth and reaches his arms out for me. A couple of coughs fly free, prompting him to hide his nose in his shirt while holding onto me. Finding pleasure in playing with his wild hair that’s been taken out of his signature hanging braids, I try to think up a plan.
“I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom Amanda. I never would’ve thought we’d be having this conversation. You were always just so… innocent. Despite how rough you can be at times, I just always thought you were innocent.”
The thought tickles me. I’d never guess he saw me and thought of innocent. I talk a lot of shit. And I’m playful as hell. It’s nice to know that somewhere underneath all that, he saw softness and the need to be delicate. For the most part, he’s always been as gentle as he could be with me.
“I know.” Desmond and I need to talk as soon as possible.
Approaching the top step, I can hear my brother and Jaheim going back and forth.
“I promise you, on everything Thomas, Amanda and I have never had sex. It’s not my child. And I didn’t tell anyone shit. Clearly I’m in the picture with her. Somebody is watching her, that’s what we need to be concerned about. Why do people feel comfortable enough to be all up in ya’ll’s business like this?” Jaheim snaps and I can hear the anger in his voice.
“I’m a damn basketball player! What don’t you get? This is why I didn’t want her fucking with you to begin with. All this drama, the fighting, whatever the hell she got herself into in order to get pregnant, was because of you and the shit you did to hurt her. My sister was always a little free-spirited, but never this out of control. I don’t like this shit. Is it that kid from the club? The one in that video that I heard went around too?”
I hear Jaheim laugh and I can see him shrug from where I hide to listen in on the conversation.
“I’m not gone lie, she got a lot of videos. I don’t even know which one you could be talking about?”
My brother sighs.
“Please don’t tell me she’s got a sex tape out there too?” Wow, how bad does my brother think I am? A sex tape?
“Nah, I ain’t see one if she does. She ain’t make one with me.”
“And she won’t.” He tells him. “Listen, we’re going to pretend you never told me anything. Act normal. Don’t upset the girl today. I’m not in the mood to go through this shit with her right now. I’m not feeling well either. So guess what lil nigga, you’re her keeper. Don’t let her little ass leave this house today. And make her some breakfast while you’re here. She needs to eat. I have stuff to do, like hire some fucking security.” I can tell my brother is pissed.
“Fuck.” I whisper to myself. I’m just going to play along with the “not knowing”, but I definitely need to find out what picture they are talking about. I haven’t checked my phone yet. I’m sure I’ll see it.
But most importantly, I have to reach out to Desmond. I sneak back to my room and get snuggled back up in bed to make it seem as though I have yet to awaken.
I send Desmond a brief message, informing him of my need to talk to him.
It’s important.
I follow up my first message to let him know a conversation is not an option.
It’s been about five hours since I’ve texted him. I’m growing annoyed and I’m trying not to take it out on Jaheim.
“You thought about what you want to do any?” He asks, and it’s obvious he’s been wanting to ask for a while now.
“What I want… is to just pretend the shit never happened.” I give him an answer he has to be okay with. “Just for today. I need time. Like, I need the space to think on this whole thing and formulate a plan. I don’t know what I’m going to tell my brother.”
He pats my thigh gently, offering silence as his response.
It’s going on 11:45 pm and my brother has relieved Jaheim of his babysitting duties it seems.
“So, what’s up with you? How you feeling?” Thomas attempts to strike up a conversation.
I already know he knows, so let’s not play games. I’m going to tell him just enough to not have this looming over my head. But, I have to figure out what Desmond wants to do about this. It’s his problem too.
“I know you know about this extremely messed up predicament I’ve found myself in. That night in Texas, after you said the daddy issues thing to P3, to spite you I hooked up with that server. It was stupid, you don’t have to tell me. But it was my first time. I was also still upset about the Jaheim situation and thought I was getting back at him.” I successfully get through my fully calculated explanation.
He pokes his lip up to touch his nose and nods his head. We sit in silence a while before he speaks again.
“So what’s your plan Amanda?”
I had the strongest feeling that he was going to ask me this exact thing. Truth is, to hand this shit right back to Desmond. What else can I do? I don’t know what to think he’d say, or how he’d react? God willing, I’m not left holding the bag on this. I won’t be. Tommy, if he ever found out, would never allow it.
“I guess I’m gonna uh- move out and figure out a-“
He looks at me as if he could slap me.
“You’re not going any-damn-where little girl. Your ass is always trying to go somewhere. I already told you, you are not disposable, so stop doing that. You can’t even take care of yourself, how the hell do you think I’m going to trust you to take care of my niece or nephew out there all by yourself?” He snaps.
“Well what do you want me to do?!” My frustration manifests in another mini meltdown.
“Where’s your server boyfriend at? Did you tell him? He’s going to help you with this shit you know?” Oh hell.
“Listen, I just slept with the kid. I didn’t get his number or anything like that. Who knows if he still even works out there. I don’t- I got it. Let me wrap my head around this. I just found out last night. I don’t know how you found out. What picture were you guys talking about?”
He pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of Jaheim in the store grabbing the pregnancy tests off the shelf and then another one of us hugging outside in the driveway. They were tweeted out by a dummy account I’ve seen too many times to not know who it belongs to.
It’s funny how this account has so many posts about me, that have been liked by Reagan’s. So I know she has something to do with this. She’s obsessed with me. And I’m going to express this same interest.
“I talked to Jaheim, he’s going to lie and say that he bought the tests for a girl he’s been dealing with on the low. And he’s going to say that he came to see me for support or something to that effect. It’ll buy me some time to keep going to school. I have to keep doing what I’ve been doing until summer. And then this can become a priority. It’s just a few weeks…”
Deep down, I’m truly impressed by the level confidence I’ve been able to speak with, given I have quite the mission to accomplish. This situation with Desmond is very much real, it’s happening. He has to talk to me.
“And then I can work out the specifics about this whole thing.” I point to my stomach.
He just stares at me.
“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you right now. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not surprised. I’m just like “wow”, I knew this would happen. I just didn’t want it to. Kids like you kind of need the protection of parenthood.”
“Be honest, am I really that out of control? I honestly don’t think so.” I need a better understanding of what they think is so wrong with me.
He sighs.
“No, I don’t mean it like that… I just, you’re a carbon copy of me. Like my little clone, no lie. You probably can’t see it cause I’ve grown out of it. But, I was just like you. I had to learn from my mistakes, from almost losing everything I worked so hard for my whole high school career. I lost my virginity at 16, I stole dad’s car… twice, to go fuck around with cheerleaders from the other school.” He laughs.
I gasp, no way. He’s making this shit up.
“Stop lying.”
He looks at me nodding.
“I’m dead serious and uh, I know you been coming up in this house high as a kite. Cut that shit out, I want my little niece or nephew to be healthy and intelligent.” He warns me.
“Yeah, for sure. Gotcha. I appreciate you Thomas.”
He reaches for my hand.
“I still don’t know why you ain’t just tell me that you were feeling that way about the situation. You were that mad at him that you went to go sleep with someone else? That’s that toxic shit. That doesn’t solve your problems. Healthy love doesn’t take all of that to get a point across.”
“I didn’t tell you, because I can’t tell you everything. Some things I’ve done, I have a strong feeling you’ll never forgive me for.” I speak honestly.
He just stares into my eyes and I can tell he’s searching for some sort of clue as to what I could be talking about.
“How did you know, about the uh-drug use?” I wonder.
He lets out a bold laugh.
“You came home from wherever the hell you went last week and I was laying on the couch. I had fallen asleep but I heard the door open, and saw you walk into the kitchen. You stood at the counter a while staring at your phone, and then you looked around in the fridge for literally, 7 minutes. Then, you walked into the pantry and came out with a party sized bag of Cheetos Puffs. You then proceeded to play a YouTube video on your phone while making strawberry lemonade from scratch. And while you let the strawberry syrup cool, you smashed them Cheetos. I watched the whole ordeal, just trying to figure out what you really be up to. I had some of the lemonade when you finally went to bed too. It was good as hell.” He nodded signaling his approval.
I just smile and shake my head. My brother is the best, I hope he doesn’t find out what I did with Desmond. If I have to pretend this baby has a shit father for the sake of protecting my relationship with Tommy, I’ll do just that. I can’t hurt his feelings like that. Especially not when I knew better. I knew exactly what I was doing.
There’s no excuse for interfering in his professional relationships or his business the way I did. He can never know about this.
Engagement