Tommy comes back into the room with two bottles of strawberry green tea.
“I thought you might like one.” He places it on the table next to me.
“Thank you.” I wear a small smile.
He leans down to kiss the top of my head.
“I’ve missed you so much kid. I thought something happened to you. I was so fucking worried. It was so bad, I even go to church now.” He laughs.
“No way.” I look up at him skeptically.
“Mhmm.” He nods moving around the bed to sit back down.
I watch as he grabs his phone up to put it back into his pocket. He takes his wallet out of his other pocket to pull out a picture of him as a newborn. My mom gave all of us one of our baby pictures to have and share as we please.
“Who does this look like?” He laughs lightheartedly.
I look at the picture and then down at my sleeping newborn. I smile in disbelief.
He looks just like his uncle.
“Nah that’s crazy.” I tell him genuinely amused. I kiss my baby’s cap-covered head with a smile forming. He is beautiful. I don’t even know how to describe what it is I feel right now. I just know he’s mine to have. How am I ever supposed to live without him?
“That’s my nephew, he’s a Basden.” He says as he puts the picture away. “That’s my blood right there. You’re my blood. You’re my baby, you’ve always been. I just can’t fathom the idea of someone hurting you. I know you probably won’t say shit… but hear me. Any person you have to lie, and sneak around to be with, does not belong with you. Whatever you’ve got going on with this man, whatever he may have told you, or however you may feel… he did a fucked up thing.”
Its clear he’s bound to display some sort of intense emotion.
“So did you.” He continues. ” I’m not gonna say you’re innocent in all of this because I don’t believe that. I just know that two wrongs don’t make the situation right on any account. And as the adult, he had no business entertaining the idea of you. He crossed a line and I’m going to kick his ass when I find out who he is.” He speaks so calmly, it’s uncomfortable.
I nod knowing he means every word he says.
I want to tell him. I’m going to. I just don’t know how to say this shit. My heart is beating so fast it sounds like the monitor is about to explode.
He looks up at it and then back at me.
“Amanda?”
“Tommy, if I tell you, you’re going to hate me.” I shake my head and start to cry knowing I have no other option but to tell him.
He shakes his head no and moves closer to me.
“I promise you I could never hate you.”
“You won’t understand.” I continue to stall without intending to.
“I may not, but I can try. Talk to me Man Man. Where have you been all this time?” He asks, hoping for some kind of breakthrough.
I take a deep breath and let it out looking up to the ceiling.
“My son’s name is Denzel Declan Chisel. Desmond is his dad, Tommy.” I bite my lip unsure of what to expect other than an extreme outburst of anger.
But there’s nothing. There’s silence. Stillness. His eyes drop to the baby in my arms.
“What?” He’s clearly confused.
I am not repeating myself. I’ve said more than I care to already.
He laughs and shakes his head. His finger tugs at his beard.
“Nah, there’s no way my friend would fuck my little sister. No fucking way.” I can see the red filling in his face. “So when did this happen exactly?” He points toward Denzel. “The night you went over there to babysit his other kids? He was over there touching on you after you put them to bed?”
“No, it’s not like that.” I try to tell him.
“Nah, you got pregnant the night of that party. No one could tell me who you left with. Ke’Andre said that you did not leave with your friends the way you told me you did. You left with him didn’t you? That’s when it happened, the first time? When I left you there by yourself?”
Why is he trying to make it sound like I was targeted and assaulted? It was nothing like that.
“Tommy, what are you talking about? Yes, it happened that night but not because “you left me”. Don’t go making yourself a villain ‘cause you feel like you failed at being a hero. I came onto him. I’m the one who wanted to sleep with him. I had a crush on him whether you knew it or not. He never even looked my way, until he got a little too drunk to use his common sense and have self-control. He told me what was going down if I got in the car with him that night and I knew he meant it. I chose to leave with him. After that it was what it was. It already happened once so it just kept happening. I liked it, I wanted it. I’m not a victim. Please don’t make me out to be one.”
I get up to put Denzel back in the little bed.
Tommy gets up and I turn with folded arms knowing this conversation is about to take a left turn.
“Amanda, just because you don’t know you are a victim, doesn’t mean you aren’t one. He groomed you mama. Even if the first time was a reckless mistake, he shouldn’t have kept it going, no matter how much you pursued him. He’s married with two other kids…”
“He doesn’t love her.” I cut him off.
“You were the perfect side chick. He’s a serial fucking cheater who’s going through some kind of quarter life-crisis. One minute he wants to be a ball player, the next a golfer, and lately he’s been talking about opening up some kind of basketball camp. The nigga is confused and unhappy in his situation with Maria, he’s been that for the longest. And then here you come. Just young, reckless, and flirtatious as hell with no fucking filter. If you had a crush on him, he picked up on that and waited you out a little bit. I told him things about you Amanda. He knew who the fuck you were and what I was dealing with when it came to your behaviors and poor life choices.”
I shake my head no, knowing that nothing he’s saying his true.
“Don’t tell me no, you don’t know shit Amanda. Why would he go out and fuck with a grown ass woman who has her standards set high enough to require that he walk away from his wife officially? Or continue to deal with women who at any moment could expose his unfaithful ass and tarnish his image?”
What the hell is he trying to say about me?
“Why do all of that when he’s got this pretty young thing that likes him enough to go behind her own brother’s back to fuck with his co-worker, because she’s just a little too ahead of herself. If she’s lying to her brother, she’ll lie to everyone else too. She’ll keep it a secret. If I buy her gifts and act like I’m seriously into her, I won’t have to worry about her running her mouth.”
“Shut up!” I can feel the rage welling up within me.
“No, better yet”, he goes on. “Now that she’s pregnant, I can convince her it’s best to run away to save herself the scandal and embarrassment. Now she’s mine to do whatever the hell I want with. He was probably in that house doing all types of fucked up shit to you…” he just won’t shut the hell up.
He’s really pissing me off when I truthfully barely even have the energy to respond.
“Thomas, I get everything you’re saying. And as my big brother, I completely respect how you feel. But the truth is, I’m not the person you thought I was. Or maybe I was and I’m just not that person anymore. I’m willing to tell you the whole truth but you have to listen. You’re doing a lot of talking for me and I really don’t appreciate it.” I speak calmly knowing that going back and forth with him is counterproductive.
I point to the chair asking that he sit back down. When he does, there’s a knock on the door and the nurse comes in to check on things.
I get back on the bed and we hold a break in our conversation.
“Hello mama, how are you feeling?” She asks.
“I’m alright.” I sniffle telling her as she looks closely at me.
“You don’t seem to be coughing as much anymore, the medicine worked you think?” She asks.
“Definitely.” I nod smiling. “Thank you for that, my ear still feels a little gross though.”
She frowns to show she empathizes.
“I know, ear infections suck. But those antibiotic drops we gave you should clear it up in no time gorgeous. Little man seems to be doing okay. Did he feed again?” She examines him.
“He did. He’s chilling.”
She laughs with a nod.
“I love to hear it, let’s get you something to eat? I can bring you a menu or if your brother feels like going to grab you something a little more specific, he has every right to do so?”
“Um, whatever is fine.” I tell her knowing I’m not hungry enough to demand a specific kind of food right now.
Once she walks out, the officers come back into the room.
“Amanda, I’m sorry we have to keep bothering you sweetheart. But, Mr. Basden, we-“
“You can call me Thomas, please.” He corrects them. Our dad is Mr. Basden, Tommy hates being called that, he says it makes him feel old. He just turned 25 in the midst of my absence.
“Thomas, the condo is owned by Desmond Chisel.”
He nods already knowing.
“Mhmm. She just told me.”
“Are your parents coming anytime soon at all? We’d like to discuss how we plan to move forward with this case.”
“Case?” I seek clarification.
“I’m sure they’ll be here as soon as they can, but my sister has been in my care for a while. I’m not sure if there is a note of that anywhere in your system since my parents filed the missing persons report? But, anything you can talk to them about, you can share with me. I take care of her.”
The lead officer shows his approval and continues to speak.
“We would like to ask your sister a few more questions to get more clarification on the situation?”
“She’s not going to talk, I can tell you that right now. She’s convinced that they are in some kind of love and this is his son.” My brother shrugs, his statement remains cut and dry.
I roll my eyes irritated.
“Press whatever charges you need to press. Put that motherfucker in jail.”
“Tommy?!”
“Amanda stop.” His hand moves upward.
He doesn’t know what he’s talking about
“The guy groomed her, was sleeping with her for months, got her pregnant, and I won’t say he abducted her, but she ran away from her home where she was safe and taken care of. He harbored her for months. Months, officer.” He repeats himself.
“She did not see a doctor her entire fucking pregnancy and she’s sitting in this bed next to my newborn nephew sick with some sort of cold or flu that I know he gave her. Because a lot of us on the team were sick just last week. He knowingly went to do whatever he did with her, while he was sick despite the fact that she’s pregnant. If you can’t get him for any of that shit, then this whole conversation is a waste of time, no disrespect. He’s a piece of shit, put his ass under the fucking jail for all I care.” He snaps. And tears roll down his face as he speaks.
He’s hurt. I’ve done nothing but cause him hurt, and I get it now. I do. I feel terrible, but I knew this was going to be the outcome. Why the fuck did I do this shit? I don’t blame anyone else but me.
“Excuse me sir, my brother is very passionate about this issue, and I appreciate his concern but I’m the problem here. Not Desmond. I wanted to runaway and I asked for his help. My “fast ass” pursued a relationship with him, I took advantage of the fact that he was not in his right state of mind the first time and pushed up on him. I knew what I was doing.”
Even if I didn’t, why do they need to know that?
“I consented to whatever kind of relationship we had the whole time. He didn’t want me out on the street or staying in a shifty motel. I had already made my decision to run when I called him to let him know what was going on with me.” I study my brother.
He huffs angrily.
“… due to my wanting to keep him informed on our unborn child’s whereabouts. Where I ran to, he had a condo unit not too far from and asked me if I’d feel more comfortable staying there. That’s all it was. He’s not the predator or criminal that he seems to be. He never hurt me in any way. I was never beaten or battered, I was never raped or forced to do anything I didn’t want to do. I was looking for something in the wrong place and I found it with the wrong person. That’s all.” I try my hardest to salvage their perception of Desmond given he’s not here to defend himself.
I take things further by speaking to my ability to make my own decisions.
“Look, there are people who come to my school all the time trying to get us to register to vote. The voting age is 18 but that shit is being pushed on us at 16 or 17 years old. I’ll be 18 in just a few months. I’m a mother now. If I can make political decisions and pick the nation’s president which is no small feat, why am I not able to consent to having sex with who I want? I have every right to explore my body, my sexuality, and experiment with the construct of interpersonal relationships in any form or fashion.”
The black officer widens his eyes as if I just fucked him up with my speech. “I’m no dummy officer. I wasn’t groomed. I made a calculated decision to fill a need for myself and Desmond should not suffer due to my selfish but very conscious decision.”
My brother laughs to himself shaking his head in disbelief.
“Amanda, how long did it take you to get that down like that. Please don’t listen to her ass, she’s been into drama and all that show shit. She clearly rehearsed this little monologue ‘cause they both knew this would happen and I’m sure they came up with some kind of plan. Whatever warrant y’all need to get to catch his ass, please do so. I can tell you where he’s at right now. He’s in Portland about to play a fucking game as if ain’t shit going on. He just had a child for Christ’s sake.” My brother’s word seems to be final as the officers leave the room uninterested in hearing anything else I have to say.
Good thing they won’t find him in Portland.
Engagement