Denzel is certainly not a walk in the park. The second he gets uncomfortable, he goes straight to crying. There’s no shame in his game whatsoever.
“Please don’t wake up sweet baby.” I whisper as I gently put him down in his crib. Slowly walking away, I leave the door to my room wide open.
I head downstairs to get started on dinner. I’ve been so tired the past couple of days, that I haven’t been as active. I didn’t really have to cook because I spent my first few weeks back with my parent’s and my dad is pretty much the only one who works the kitchen. My mom is a neat freak so there wasn’t much to clean.
Being at the house with them was surprisingly nice. My mom got super clingy and my dad was just so soft with me. The softest he’s been in years. I could see a bit of regret and worry in their eyes. All the forehead kisses and random cuddles made me uncomfortable at first and then I grew to like watching TV with my mom and going for walks with my dad.
But now I’m back with Tommy and I just feel really disoriented, disorganized, and disconnected. I really don’t even understand what all those words mean, but I feel them. It’s been about a month since I’ve been back in this house and in my room. And well, things just feel so weird.
It’s not my brother or anything in particular I can point out. Tommy’s been great, always. And he absolutely adores Denzel. Both him and Cosima, his girlfriend. He met her when he and my parents went to file my missing persons report. She works in the police department. She’s a stunning black Brit who’s three years older than my brother.
She does have an awesome sense of humor I must say. Her accent makes anything she says ten times funnier. We get along great and she’s been super helpful the past few weeks. She’s oddly really good with babies for someone who doesn’t have any.
She left for an event that her brother’s nonprofit is having in Miami, so it’s just me and the baby until my brother gets back. He’s been gone all day. He had an early morning doctor’s appointment, then training, and a massage before his game. So the house has been really quiet all day and all I can think about is Desmond.
I miss him walking into the room and hopping on the bed to hug me. I miss how hard he’d laugh when I’d crack a joke. He loved how witty I was. He said I was just so smart, it amazed him. I think a lot. And I have a lot of opinions and I just know so much from my affinity for reading. I miss him so much it hurts. Every time I look at my son, I see him. Denzel has his eyes. His beautiful bright amber eyes.
The front door is opens and all of a sudden my nerves get bad. My brother comes into the kitchen wearing a sour face.
I straighten up and rub my hands together anticipating what he’s going to say.
“I was just about to cook dinner. I’m sorry. This was my first day truly being alone with Denzel and I couldn’t get a handle on it. I’m thinking Shrimp and Peppers over Wild Rice? It won’t take too long if you want to go and get yourself settled for a bit.” I move toward the freezer to grab the shrimp so I can set it in water to thaw for a few minutes.
I can hear his footsteps behind me, he quickly closes the freezer back.
“Hey, come here for a minute.” His voice is serious. He sighs and pulls me to sit down at the counter.
He stands across from me studying my every move and then he looks at the time.
“It’s going on 11 pm Amanda, who in their right mind is cooking dinner right now? And why do you feel the need to?” He leans forward clasping his hands.
“You just got home from work. You should eat something.” I scratch behind my ear as I think. “It’s no problem Thomas, really. I can do it. You should eat something.”
He squints and gives himself time to process my answer.
“I did eat something. I stopped on the way home, like I usually do after a game. Plus, you’ve never tried to cook before? I wasn’t expecting you to do it today of all days.” He’s stands combative.
“I mean, you shouldn’t have to. You pay all the bills and I have nothing to worry about. The least I can do is cook and make sure things look decent around here. It’s no trouble.” He sputters, dropping his head. His hands rub together rapidly as he wears a quizzical expression.
He shakes his head and goes into the fridge for a bottle of water.
“I don’t need you cooking for me. I’m a grown ass man. Did you eat? While you’re over here worried about me?” I have to think about it a little too hard.
”I had the smoothie you made for me when I got up this morning. I’ve just been so tired.”
A deep breath and a groan escapes his lips. He then walks over to come hold onto me. He kisses my temple.
“Ah little sister, I love you.” He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “I got it. I’m going to make you something, go shower or do whatever it is you do.”
”It’s been a minute since I put him down, he’s probably going to wake up in a few.”
”I got him. Go take care of yourself little mama.” He waves me off, encouraging me to head upstairs. “Use my bathroom if you want so that he doesn’t wake up to the sound of the shower.”
The moment I go in the room to get the things I need, he starts crying. I throw my head back and groan.
”Bro, I want to fucking cry too!” I have an outburst. “I’m a single fucking mom at 17 years old and my life is in shambles!” I break down just thinking of how much of an embarrassment I’ve become. To my family, myself, and my child.
Denzel knows I’m a fucked up person, that’s why he cries the way he does. I think he’d rather I not be here. Rather I not be his mother. I’m the reason his father is nowhere in sight. It took me forever to get a new phone. My parents took my laptop and cut off their cable so I couldn’t see the news or look at the never ending gossip streams about myself.
I’ll never forget the headline “Warrant Issued for the Arrest of Sailor’s Guard after Teammate’s Runaway Sister Found in Hidden Condo.”
I’m a headline forever now, and by proxy, so is my son. I’m once again on a deserted island. But on this one, I have no passing ships to look forward to.
Desmond was a passing ship that may not have been able to take me from the island, but was able to deliver what I needed to stay alive. He was a ship that had the manpower to check on me every several days. The ship with the manpower to keep me warm on the coldest of nights.
I get myself together as best I can before walking back into the room where I find my brother changing Denzel’s diaper happily. He sings a little song to him as he does it.
“Right side, left side, now you’re all clean.” He quickly fastens the onesie back and gently lifts him up. He kisses his little cheek. “That’s uncle’s sweet baby.” He supports Denzel’s tiny head and neck while holding him in one arm momentarily to grab the dirty diaper off the bed.
“Thank you.” I try to quickly sneak past him so he doesn’t see that I’ve been crying but he always knows.
“Unh uh- where you going?” He stops me. “You were in there crying again? What’s going on Man Man? You don’t want to talk to a therapist, you wouldn’t talk to Mom and Dad. Coz has even tried to get through to you. You have to talk to somebody. What’s going on with you?” He sits on the bed, patting the spot next to him.
He’s always begging me to talk, but will he really listen to me? And not try to interpret my feelings to mean something else. One thing I hate is when someone else tries to tell me how I feel about things.
“Tommy if I talk to you, I don’t want to hear how you feel or what you think. Whenever I have something to say, I’m talked over and told how to feel. I don’t want to talk. Thanks though.” I get frustrated and attempt to walk out of the room.
He sighs.
“Tell me whatever you want. I’ll listen. I may ask a few questions, you know me. But I promise not to talk over you. Come talk to your big bro while he holds your cute little baby.” He smiles at Denzel who absolutely adores him. He always cracks a cute little smile at the sight his beloved uncle.
I don’t actually remember my room looking this way before I left. My bed is centered in the middle of the room and the love seat is now on the side by the window. There’s a rug in front of the love seat and and the TV is on the wall next to the bathroom where it used to sit atop the dresser. Denzel’s crib is against the wall, next to my bed.
Thomas also repainted the walls in here seems like, it’s more “young woman” friendly if you will. I never noticed. He must’ve known I was going to come back.
“Tommy you redid this room and I never even noticed. Why?”
I walk over to the bed and sit next to him.
“Because I knew you were coming back. And the plan before you left was to spruce up your space. After having to put Francis down, I thought it best I just stay busy. This kept me busy. You really never noticed how different it looked?” He looks confused.
I shake my head no, feeling kind of silly.
“If I’m being honest Tommy, with Francis being gone, and Cosima living here, I haven’t exactly felt at home. This feels like a different place to me altogether. And it’s not that I don’t like her or that I have problems with you, I just… miss him.” I can feel myself getting worked up all over again.
He’s trying to keep a neutral expression.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, or believe it, but we love each other. It’s not like me and Jaheim where shit was just toxic and we were just doing stuff for the sake of doing it. We talked about the things we were ashamed of and we laughed so much together. Even when we bickered about the little shit, we laughed and realized we were just tweaking out because of other frustrations. We talked everything out but nothing was ever so serious. We cuddled, there’s no feeling on this earth better than being in his arms. I know him, in ways you don’t. I know his heart. That man loves me whether or not you want to hear it. The way his face lights up at the sight of me is something that can’t be faked. We planned things. He bought me a book to study for my GED, it’s important to him that I finish school.”
The nodding shows me that he’s listening.
“I think I want to be a dance teacher. You know we had this idea… Once we figured out a way to be together for real, like out in the open, he’d start his own basketball camp for boys from undeserved communities and I’d teach dance to the girls. He loved watching me teach myself choreography from YouTube, he’d always says that he would never have the patience to put a video in slow motion to copy some steps.” I laugh thinking back on it.
I can tell Tommy wants to rain on my parade, but he’s choosing not to. He thinks for a while, not wanting to upset me I’m sure.
“So you miss being in San Clemente I take it?” He gets up to put a now sleeping Denzel back into his crib.
I miss how simple it was, I miss knowing exactly what was expected of me and understanding what caused disappointment. The world was smaller, easier to maneuver. It was easier to be at peace despite the bouts of loneliness and silence. Those moments of solidarity gave me something to look forward to. Waiting for Desmond to come home was like waiting for Christmas in July.
“I miss knowing all the rules. It wasn’t hard to please him. Making him happy came natural to me. I just had to be me. Stay in the house, stay away from the door, and make sure he had something to eat. I could virtually do no wrong to him. It’s not the way it works in the real world, I know, I’d be lying if I said being here isn’t harder than it was being there. I miss belonging to someon e, I was his. I feel like I still am. When mom and dad kicked me out, I felt like I had no home anymore. I felt abandoned. I know I had you but I knew I’d fuck that up and I did, so I took off and he was there. He knew everything and didn’t judge me. He kept me safe from making choices that were even worse than the ones I already did. You have to give him credit for that as much as you don’t want to.”
He laughs looking ahead. He shakes his head and then rubs at his face.
“You know he kept saying that to me. That whole 6 months… He’d see me losing my shit and catch me checking my phone to see if you may have called or texted. He’d just come up to me and say “I know it’s hard not to worry, but I promise you she’s safe. Just a bit lost for the moment, but she’ll be back.” He meant that shit when he said and it just baffles me how this whole thing played out. I still can’t believe it. He’s the father of my nephew and the man my little sister loves. How the fuck does that work?”
Thomas stands up clearly bothered.
“I mean, he’s gone now. Last I heard he probably chartered a plane somewhere overseas. And I’m sure you know where to, and that’s fine. I know you won’t tell me. And I know you’ll see him again if you get the chance, at least that’s what it sounds like. I just don’t know how I’ll handle him being in our lives in that
way Amanda. I have to be honest with you about that.” He shrugs.
I get it. He feels betrayed. He was. If I could do it all over again, I have to be honest and say I would probably make the same dumb ass decision. Desmond was where I needed him to be at the time that I needed him. And no matter how much of a hard time I’m having adjusting to being someone’s young ass mom. I love Denzel, and I feel like he’s going to make me stronger. He’ll make me better like Tommy first said.
“You guys made a cute kid though. I’ll be real about that.”
Engagement