All of us sit in silence waiting for the words to come out of my unusually emotional father’s mouth. He pauses a while to collect his thoughts, seemingly on the verge of crying.
He must have something pretty serious to say if he’s acting like this, and it’s making me a tad nervous. After the kind of day I’ve had, I really don’t need anymore bad news.
I look to Tommy and mouth my request for a heads up.
“What’s going on?” I ask inaudibly. He gives a quick shake of the head and shrug letting me know that he knows nothing as well.
We both look in Mickie’s direction and he looks just as lost.
All of us sit wondering what is it he could possibly say as we sit amongst friends: Daphne, Jaheim, Ke’Andre and his bunch. Our Nana is here and so is my dad’s best friend with his family.
“Needless to say, I’m feeling a type of way today being that, my youngest, my baby, is all grown up. She even has a baby of her own and he is a beautiful blessing despite how he may have gotten here. It feels as though my work is done on the surface… even though I know I’m always going to be “dad” and have “dad” stuff to do. Especially, given I’ve fumbled a bit the past few years and have a lot to make up for. But in spite of my mistakes, you still turned out to be an amazing, resourceful, and resilient bright young woman that Alaina and I are both proud of. Happy birthday Amanda. We love you.” My mom nods agreeing with him as he speaks.
“Thank you.” I smile and nod to show I approve his message. “I love you both too.”
Denzel starts making little noises as he grabs at my finger to chew on. I attempt to put his pacifier in his mouth but he doesn’t seem to care for it.
He squeals eagerly, gnawing away at my index finger.
I hear tiny laughs as everyone looks on at the happy little baby for proof of my dad’s endearing message about him.
“And my oldest is married to a lovely woman, while my middle has met his future wife I believe.” He puts pressure on Tommy as he glares in his direction playfully.
My mom, Mickie, and I all clap showing support for that idea. Coz would be the best new addition to this family no doubt, as she has already made a place for herself here. And it’s clear that she’s in it for all the right reasons, even just by the way she has been so supportive of me.
“I’m happy you are all here, and together. We are all healthy, happy, or at least trying to find wholeness within ourselves and our circumstances. I couldn’t ask for more as a father and just wanted to tell each of my kids today, that I love them. And for everyone sitting at this table, I love you all.” He raises his glass to toast. “Cheers.”
“Cheers.” We all do the same, despite us under 21-ers having sparkling cider rather than champagne in our glasses. Underage drinking is not condoned in this house. Especially not around my parents.
Mickie finds me in the back sitting around the fire Tommy started to warm things up for us out here.
“Hey baby sis, how you feeling?” He brushes my hair out of my face and leans down to kiss my cheek.
I nod to tell him good without saying it.
“Baby boy has gotten so big since the last time I saw him. He’s looks like his uncle Tommy, got his complexion an all. And you know Tommy is just an older, lighter, male version of you. Zell’s got his daddy’s eyes though.” He takes the seat next to me.
“That he does. I hope that’s the closest he comes to him.” Shaking my head, I decide to take advantage of the fact that my parents are preoccupied in the kitchen cleaning up. I take the joint that Daph rolled for me before she took off from, behind my ear to spark it up.
“Woah there little sis…” he smiles as if in shock.
“Hey, 21 is the drinking age. I’m just 18.” I shrug and take a huge hit passing it to him as I hold my breath as long as I can. “You’re not much better than me Mick. Just admit it.” I’m certainly not in the mood for his holier than thou bullshit right now.
“I never said I was… I just, was scared for you. You know that right? I was a dog out here. So was dad. Thomas, not so much. But me and dad, we’re cut from the same dirty ass cloth. We’ve both cleaned our act up but we’re over 30 and done being “dirty” as they say. Not every nigga you come across will have gotten to that point, some never will. The only way we knew to protect you from the shit you got caught up in, was to make you fear it.” He puts the joint to his lips to take a hard pull.
“Well as you know, it had the opposite effect. I ran right toward it… Micky they want to take my baby from me. “ A tear rolls down my right cheek. I wipe it instantly just for more to fall.
“That nigga shouldn’t come anywhere near you. If he even steps foot off a plane in California and we find out about it, he’s going to jail.”
“What about Maria though? She’s still legally his wife, this is legally his child. I won’t let them take him from me. She plans on moving out of the country with their girls to be with him.”
This is a complex situation that doesn’t have simple answers I feel.
“I was a minor when I had Denzel. I’m only 18 as of yesterday, what if despite Desmond’s fate, she can take me to court for custody of him?”
She could say I’m unfit or too immature to care for him, can’t she?
“It doesn’t work like that mama. She has no rights whatsoever to a child that he had outside of the marriage. You carried that baby, so you make the decisions. Which, he should be smart enough to know. I personally don’t think it’s worth upsetting you in his current condition.” He looks confused as to why this is even a conversation. “Don’t worry one second about what the hell came out of that lady’s mouth. She was trying to be mean like that. She wants to see you sweat. Denzel ain’t going nowhere. Not will all the uncles, grandparents, and godparents he’s got. We love that kid, man. He chilling.” Mickie takes another hit before handing the joint back to me.
He gets up and leans down to kiss the top of my head.
“Alright baby sis. Tess and I are about to get up out of here. We’ll see you in Phoenix this weekend. Love you, and I’m serious…” he looks into my eyes. “Ain’t nobody taking Zell from you, enjoy your night. Your little friend is still in there talking to mom and dad.” He points and I look through the glass sliding doors to see Jaheim and my dad drying the dishes while my mom and Coz, wash them.
My family has somehow gotten so big to the point that it is the most exciting thing about my life now, when it never was before. It feels good to know I’m actually this loved and supported despite all the bullshit before. I feel like I deserve this attention, I don’t have to try as hard or work for it. I’m not walking on eggshells, having to lay down or start fights for it.
Jaheim comes outside to sit with me after a while. He brings the baby out with him, placing him in my lap.
“Hey my sweet Chunky Monkey.” I kiss all over his tiny face happily. I love this baby so much. “Thanks Heim. What’s up with you?” I sit back admiring how much of a good friend he’s been of late.
“Nothing much, just making sure you’re straight. I appreciate your people for letting me come through tonight though.”
“Stop. You know you’re welcome anytime. You were practically here everyday when I was gone keeping my brother company and he’ll never forget that. So thank you. I’m glad to have you here too and to see that we actually were good friends for real before we tried to date each other. I like being around you. We can laugh and not take shit too serious you know?”
He just stares at me and nods. He licks his lips before responding.
“I was talking to Mickie, you know about what I plan to do after graduation? And he was telling me that if I was willing to move to Arizona, he could get me on with the construction firm.”
My expression switches to one of surprise. Mickie has always been good with his hands, took a bunch of odd construction jobs starting right out of high school. He wanted his own money and something more realistic than pursuing a pro-sports career. He was able to work his way up to Construction Manager within 5 years and eventually got his own thing going. It’s safe to say that he loves what he does, and never needs a dime from anyone.
“Oh yeah? You’ve never mentioned anything about construction before though, I mean I don’t ever think we’ve discussed post-grad plans together actually.”
He shrugs.
“It’s legit. It’s no trouble, you know. I’ve been caught up in a bunch of bullshit when I really don’t have to be. My mom works hard so I can just go to school but I’ve always felt like with my dad dipping in and out, I had to step up. I don’t want her to have to work that hard. But, I never thought about working at a grocery or convenience store. I was too young at the time anyway. But now, I want to be more responsible. Your brother looks happy, comfortable even. I want that shit. And when I start to have kids of my own, I don’t want to worry about them being caught up in my shit.”
I’m happy for him. It seems like the men in my family were able to get a hold of him in the midst of my absence. He’s gotten his shit together and if I’m being quite honest, I was attracted to the trouble in him initially. Lately, I haven’t even thought about the physical or sensual chemistry I thought we once had because I haven’t felt it.
We get along great, but our attraction to one another is not the same. And I think it is because we’ve both grown up and out of the things that once drew us into each other. He was intrigued by my innocence and mystique. And I, his chaos. We’re not those people anymore and I’m happy to see it.
“Well I think it sounds like a great idea, Arizona might do you right. You should come with us to All-Star Weekend? We leave on Friday, my parents will have Denzel, it’s going to be a great time. And you could get a feel for Phoenix, we’ll be at my brother’s for breakfast on Saturday.”
He shakes his head no.
“I told your brother I was gonna come out there during Spring Break and he was gonna show me some stuff. I got some shit to do this weekend though.” He smirks. I know this face, he’s excited about something.
Denzel nods off and I quickly catch his neck and move him to lay against my chest. I rub his back in small circular motions.
“You remember Anita-Marie? My cousin’s best-friend’s sister?”
That’s a mouthful, but I believe so.
“Petite, pink hair, big boobs, talkative as hell? The anime lover?” I remember her aesthetic so well. We met at an arcade one day when Jaheim’s cousin just wanted to link with him one random night a while ago.
He nods.
“Her birthday is on Saturday and we’ve been kicking it a minute. I like her. A lot. I got some special shit planned for sure. We are going to take a little road trip on Friday night.” This is news to me certainly.
I had no idea he was talking to anyone. Maybe he never told me because he assumed I might feel some kind of way about it?
“No way, you guys are a little couple? That’s cute, what made the two of you start talking?”
I can see the peace in his eyes when he talks about her and how she convinced him to watch one of her favorite series.
From there, the conversation kept growing. They’d go grab ice cream together and go to the movies, they’ve actually been dating. Not just fucking like most people do today and then consider themselves “together”. He’s gotten to know her before all that it seems, similar to the way Paul is trying to get to know me.
I look down at my phone a moment and see a message from him with a cupcake emoji and a question mark.
You want to go get cupcakes? I seek clarification.
Oui.
I have the baby, my people are about to leave and Tommy is going out with Coz tonight. 🙁
Mommy duties trump any date these days. And while I do want to see him again, I don’t mind it. This little thing we have is just a “for now” thing I’m sure.
I have a child with a former teammate of his, and I’m the sister of another one. It’s just too messy of a situation to take so seriously, in my opinion.
I don’t think I’m sane enough to take him serious. I dropped everything for Desmond and look where I’m at because of it. A huge part of me doesn’t even think it was real love. I can’t say what it was exactly, but it wasn’t love. I know that now.
I think I was trying to make myself feel better about sleeping with him. My involvement in that whole situation was the byproduct of a delusion of grandeur.
I’ve completely forgotten that I was in the middle of a whole conversation with Jaheim.
“So tell me about number 18.” He raises an eyebrow.
I snicker.
“What about him?” I can’t look him in the eye because I know I’ll blush.
“Ya’ll been kicking it heavy lately.”
“Nah. We chilling. He’s just my brother’s friend that’s around. We hung out but it’s nothing like you think. We didn’t even… do all that.” I speak as I look down at my screen to read his response.
So… just get him overly dressed like you usually do and I’ll be there in 20 minutes.
Overly dressed lmao?
Yeah, you’ve had him in mittens and boots since he was born fr. We live in California.
He does know that it gets cold here right?
I roll my eyes and smile. I can’t with him.
When I get out of the car, he walks around to open the back passenger side door.
“Oh you don’t have to do that.” I try to stop him from grabbing the baby out of his seat. I don’t want him feeling like he has to play daddy to my kid.
“I mean, I don’t have to. But I can, if you’re okay with it? I don’t mind I mean, he’s chilling.” He smiles looking down at Denzel.
Why though? What is his intention?
“What do you want from me Paul? Like, why the hell are you being so nice? You want to sleep with me? Is that it?”
He stops moving and frowns his face up quickly, he closes the car door as if to shield my baby’s innocent ear from the mouthful he’s about to give me.
“Where is this coming from? Why you being so rough?”
“Nobody’s being rough. I’m just asking a simple question.”
“Yeah, I do want to sleep with you. That’s the answer you looking for right? We have yet to do anything, but am I tripping or pressing the issue? Were just gonna vibe for now. I like being around you Amanda and you know that. You know how much shit your brother has talked into my ear behind me being all up on you? I could go get sex for less, actually, for free if I wanted it. But I’m here getting cupcakes at The Sweet Tooth Booth with you and your cute ass kid. Come on now. Just… chill out.” He pulls me into a hug and then lifts my face to kiss me.
My insides seemingly twist themselves up and I can’t help the little squeal that escapes my lips as I take his in.
He pulls away and smiles at me. “Chill out.” He repeats again, kissing my nose.
“Now, can I get the baby out of the car and into his stroller so we can go and get dessert now?” He asks my permission.
I sigh and nod, unable to hide my smile. I roll my eyes and walk around him to grab the compact stroller out of his trunk.
I get it all configured for him to put Denzel into it.
“Go ahead, let me see you put the baby in the stroller.” I taunt him.
“Watch me, then.” He lays him down into it so gently, there’s a warmth inside of me that wasn’t just there. At least, I never noticed it until now.
He holds the door open as I push the stroller in.
He’s such a gentleman I want to believe. I’m trying to chill out like he said but I keep trying to understand what it is he’s after?
We get seated in a family-friendly booth that has a stroller groove in the table which is really convenient and neat. A server brings us a metallic menu that is designed to be on brand with the white and neon, retro-diner theme.
All of the booths are circular and mimic the different flavors on their cupcake menu. You can slide sections of the booth around the table accordingly so that you may sit the way you want.
I wanted the stroller next to me and Paul wanted to sit against me. So the stroller sits directly in the middle of the 4 sections of the booth, leaving the other half of the table empty.
“Oh so they serve the cupcakes by a platter?” I examine the options. “We can either do 6 or 12.” I look to him for guidance.
“I know off the rip I’m eating 4. This is my first time here, so we should try whatever we want. Ke’Andre told us about the place. He brought his kids here last weekend.” I get a bit of history behind his decision to bring us here.
We look over the menu and call out the flavors that intrigue us the most.
“I want a Red Velvet for sure, a Sugar Rum… and oh, they have a Caramel Kahlua Coma. That sounds good, but sweet.”
“They have a Vanilla Spiced Waffle flavor?” He questions the uniqueness of the flavor.
“Why you looking like that?” I smirk.
“How do you make waffle flavored cake?” I can tell he wants an answer to his thought provoking question.
I cut a fun deal with him to liven things up a bit. “Let’s both guess how we think they are going to pull the flavor off. Whoever is closest to the right answer gets to pick our next date?”
He looks shocked by what I just said.
“So we are on the same page then? This is a date? You want to see me about me huh?” He laughs, confident in every word that just came from his mouth.
“Oh please, you want to see about me.” I scoff. He smiles and kisses my cheek.
”Yeah I do.” He takes my hand and I want to scream. I’m so happy to be here with him.
”Why?” I need to know a bit more about his infatuation with me.
”Cause you’re sweet. You’ve always been sweet, and I’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth, you see me?” His accent gets heavier.
I snicker. I want to call him cheesy, but I think he’s too cute to do that. This feels like my Christmas in July, no, he actually feels like Christmas. I feel good, I feel happy around him.
He’s always felt like “happy” to me now that I think back on it. I feel it’s why Tommy has been so stern with us about our interactions. He’s a friend first, but we have a chemistry that runs deeper than that.
”Yeah, okay.” I just nod and turn to check on my now sleeping baby.
“I’m serious, you know I have to eat a brownie before every game. If I don’t, I can’t play right.”
”Really?” I raise an eyebrow amused by his statement.
Brownies aren’t necessarily all that healthy, and he seems to be a health nut from what I know he tends to cook and eat.
“Mhmm, permanent sweet tooth remember?” He reaches over and wraps his arms around me. He kisses the side of my neck. I’m trapped in the chokehold of Burberry Hero while encased by the arms of my hero. He’s so kind. He makes me feel so safe, and who knew, feeling safe around someone could make them so sexy.
“You gotta stop this.” I blush hard, trying to hide the fact that I’m smiling so much.
“Why?” He whispers into my cheek placing what feels like thousands of tiny kisses. “You don’t like it?”
I lean more into him and rest my hand on his stomach making tiny scratches just over his shirt with my nails.
“You guys definitely seem to be in the mood for some sweetness.” Our server comes back and I pull away quickly, recentering my attention onto the menu. I nod.
“I think we should go with the dozen, it doesn’t matter how many of each but we’ll do the Red Velvet, Sugar Rum, the Caramel Kahlua, Spiced Waffle, and Strawberry Seduction.” I speak confidently as I hand the menu back. “Thank you!”
When she walks off, we get back to our embrace. It starts with a hug. But from the beginning, from the time we started to drift toward each other, it’s always been clear that a hug was just the beginning of more to come.
I turn his face toward me to sneak another kiss and I can tell he likes it. I can feel a bit of a twitch and I know exactly what that means. We are both getting a tad bit too excited, being that nothing else can happen in the presence of the public or my child.
Denzel starts crying the moment we dig into the tiny cakes. Pulling him out of the stroller, I set him on my lap.
“Hey momma’s Chunky Monkey.” He waves at the Red Velvet cupcake in front of him.
“Little man wants some cake.” Paul laughs looking down at him. I can tell he’s bewildered by the sight of my son every time.
It’s like he can’t fathom the fact that this child came out of me.
I pinch a tiny piece off of the un-iced portion and put it to his lips. He grabs at my hands pulling himself forward for his wet lips brush the fluffy cake off.
“Look at him.” Paul smiles. “He’s excited.”
“Oh yeah. He loves food and so far he’s not that picky. When I was pregnant, I would eat something spicy or a little on the sweeter side and he’d kick me like crazy. He loves to nibble on those two types of food the most when I’m eating.” I share with him.
“I wish I could’ve seen you when he was still in there.” He points at my stomach. “I was trying to imagine it, when I found out. Like it’s a human being living inside of her. That’s crazy.”
“You thought about me?”
He nods and I can see a glimmer of sadness in his eyes.
“I thought about you every day. You not gonna believe it, but I did.” He holds our gaze.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why’d you run? Did he make you?” The conversation takes a more serious turn.
“No. He didn’t make me do anything, it wasn’t like that.”
I can tell he wants to know more but we’re not going there tonight.
“Paul.” I wave my hand no and rest my chin on top of Denzel’s head. “It is what it is. I don’t feel like talking about any of that respectfully. I don’t know why it happened. And I really don’t understand what truly happened, so I’m over it.” I shrug. “Not to be rude or anything.”
“I’m sorry boo.” He shakes his head apologetically.
There’s a break in the conversation for about 6 minutes. To fix the awkwardness of the situation, I speak again.
“You want kids?” I can’t help but ask.
“Definitely, I want at least 4. I don’t care too much about the sexes. I just want a house full of kids, all different personalities. I want them to be healthy and happy. All benefits to society. My lady and I will give them the best life they could ever imagine.” He speaks as if he’s so sure of himself, and this “lady” he talks of.
I want to know if having a step kid was something he could imagine himself warming up to the idea of. But it’s too soon. Though we’ve known each other for a minute, I feel like that may scare him off. I don’t want him to think that I’m using him to replace Desmond.
“That’s nice to know.”
Engagement