“How are you feeling today? Does everything feel like it’s going as it should be? Or are you feeling a little out of it?” The extremely beautiful brunette nurse practitioner asks me with a genuine smile plastered on her face.
“I feel okay.” When I actually think about it, I realize I feel really good. “I feel healthy.”
“Wonderful, and how about you dad? No significant health issues or complications in the past 12 months?”
“No ma’am, this is a healthy household in this room.”
She chuckles, “Love to hear it. Momma have you’ve been pregnant before? And was it a full-term?”
I nod.
“Any complications?” She seems like a sweet lady, but she’s asking a lot of questions that I’m afraid I soon won’t know the answer to. “I know it’s a lot, but we’ve got to build a history on you sweetie.”
“Not really. No. I don’t think so.”
“Who was your PCP or OB during your last pregnancy?” She continues.
I pick at my distressed jeans to relieve a bit of stress induced by these questions I really can’t answer.
“I didn’t have one. It was an unconventional case.” I can’t really look at her out of shame, feeling as though she’d see me as irresponsible, or like a bad mom.
“It’s okay. Alright, let me put the questions away for now, let’s take a look in here and see what’s going on with our little guy, or gal. I’m going to go ahead and have you get undressed so I can do your examination as well. And then I’ll come back in.”
This is going to be my first ultrasound and I’m actually really excited to see my baby. I missed this whole process with Denzel and I’ve been looking forward to making up for it.
The belly jelly, as she calls it, has been warmed. So it’s not cold like they warn the women it will be in the doctor visit scenes in movies and shows. I braced myself for the chill though just in case.
She moves the device around my pretty solid, but still small-enough-to-not-think-I-was-pregnant, stomach and a loud thumping can be heard coming from the monitor.
“Wow. That’s the heartbeat?” Paul gets up and walks over to me. He takes my hand to kiss it a few times, wearing the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
“Yes it is. You’re pretty far along girl! You don’t look it though. She’s hiding in there. How old is your first born?”
“He’ll be one in October.”
“Ahhh, so this little one must’ve gotten in here because mommy and daddy thought they were safe the first few months huh?” She jokes. “You look to be around 19-20 weeks. You’re good into your second trimester hun.”
“I don’t know what we thought.” Paul laughs with her still looking at the screen. “It’s a girl?”
“Yes, it is Papa Bear. And that heartbeat is strong. She looks to be hanging out in there just fine.”
“Paulina…”
“Uh oh. The name game starts. Paulina is cute. Very early 2000’s glam girl, popstar vibes.” She co-signs the name.
But she doesn’t have to sell me on it. I have one already, this will be his first. I don’t mind giving him the liberty of naming her.
On the way back to the apartment, we stop at Target to get a few things and somehow manage to get split up as I’m in the beauty aisle.
“Paul?” I walk to the edge of the aisle to see if I see him, but I don’t.
I call him and he answers, I can hear him walking.
“What’s up baby?”
“Where did you go?”
“To get the rest of the stuff we came in here for, you’re going to take forever over there. I’m grabbing the diapers and wipes while you do all that.” He chuckles.
No, I know exactly what he’s doing. I hang up to go find him in the baby food aisle by the snacks.
I watch him study all the flavors of puffs as he picks out the ones I know he wants. But he’s going to sell it as if they’re solely for Denzel.
Paul sits right there with him and they eat the snacks I buy for Denzel together. It could be the yogurt melts, the puffs, or the teether cookies. He swears they are the best snacks on the planet.
I fold my arms watching him.
He grabs a couple of boxes of the strawberry yogurt melts and another dad comes onto the aisle and see’s him grabbing the last box.
“Oh bruh that ain’t gone work. I’mma need like two of them.” He creeps up on Paul a bit.
Paul turns around and they look at each other a while.
“You grabbing them shits like they for you…” the man laughs.
“Lowkey, lowkey. They for my little man but they good as hell. We go through em.” Paul hands the man two of the four boxes he grabbed. The two cackle with each other still not paying attention to my presence, and I find the interaction adorable.
“I know exactly what you mean. These for me. My daughter don’t really like ‘em but they were just sittin’ in the cabinet and homie needed a snack. I popped a couple of ‘em and I can’t stop… aye, you old boy on the Sailors. 18?”
“That’s me. Nice to meet you man. What’s your name?” He asks.
“Brando. It’s Brandon but it’s always more than one of us wherever I go. You excited for this upcoming season?” They just talk. And the conversation is so simple yet they seem to both be so fulfilled by it.
“Paul.” They clap each other up. “I am. I’m enjoying my time at home though. Spending time with my lady and the youngin’. I love that kid man. Being a dad is the best. You like this shit too?”
The guy looks taken aback and truthfully so am I. He still hasn’t noticed me and for him to be telling a complete stranger about how much he loves the life that I’m a big part of, is humbling.”
“Yeah dawg this shit is where it’s at. It’s hard sometimes, when you feel like you not doing enough, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes the women can make us feel like we don’t get it, but we do. And as long as you do your best at it, your kids will always see you as their hero. Nothing beats that. Just don’t fuck up and you’ll be fine. I got three. My fourth is on the way.”
They both get so excited. I feel like this is a moment I’m not supposed to witness. It’s like, “their little thing” and I’m just standing here.
“Congratulations! Yo, let me get your number. Maybe we can get our girls together, so they can be their for each other and stuff. Amanda’s so much fun and between us, she’s pregnant now. We’re having a girl, Paulina. She’ll be here Christmas Eve says the doctor. I just want her to have someone she can relate to on this you know?”
He’s trying to make me some mommy friends. I snicker and get myself caught.
“Oh, uh- What’s good mama?” The Afro-Philippino man waves in my direction.
Paul turns around.
“Yeah, this is her.”
“Hi.” I wave as I walk up to the cart. Paul wraps his arms around me as I place my cotton rounds and purple whitening toothpaste in the cart. I offer my hand and he takes it.
“Congratulations on the baby girl.” He tells me before proceeding to exchange numbers with Paul.
When we make our way to the register, I can’t help but tell him how turned on that whole situation made me.
“Let’s go home before we pick Ze up. I have to show you something Papa.” I turn and reach up to kiss him pulling our bodies back against the cereal aisle.
“What you got to show me baby?” He kisses me again wrapping his arms around my body.
“Come on.” I use my head to tell him let’s go.
“I love you.” He kisses my face and then buries his into my neck. I rub the back of his head with my right hand gently.
“I love you too boo.” Damn, I want him to fuck me to sleep right about now. When we go at it, there’s no coming back out. My parents can hold onto Zelly a while longer. They always beg for more time with him anyway. Tommy usually has him, but we haven’t been on talking terms since the fight in Anaheim.
I miss him, but Paul has been more than enough comfort in the meantime. He’s the greatest distraction, as terrible as that sounds and after all of the dirty things we just did, he’s out like a light. I decide to come grab the baby from my parents while he naps, and on the way way back, I feel a Hot Fudge Sundae would make Paul happy.
Well, sundaes. I’ve got two of them. One with cherries for him and one without for me.
“Help mommy hold the ice cream for daddy.” I kiss my sweet baby’s cheek. He must’ve had a good time with grandma and grandpa because he’s so calm right now. I think he may even be tired.
There’s a tiny hissing sound coming from underneath the back passenger side of the car as I try to strap Denzel in.
Upon looking down a moment to see where it could be coming from, I hear a voice that I never thought I’d hear again.
“What kind of ice cream did you get me baby?”
A body presses up against mine from behind. I quickly turn around to meet those dangerous eyes.
“Desmond… what are you doing?” I try to push him away and he resists pulling our bodies together.
“I’ve missed you so much.” He kisses my neck. I shove him away.
“Get off of me.”
He widens his eyes.
“Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m this monster you’re so afraid of. “Desmond you have to get out.” “I’ll miss you so much.” “I love you.” You remember all that shit? Or has your brother and your boyfriend turned you against me? The plan was for me to come back for you or did you forget just that quick?” He frowns as he speaks.
I shake my head no.
“I’m not going anywhere with you. You fucking liar. I love how despite my never responding, you felt compelled to tell your side of the story because she went back to you and let you know that I knew she was aware of everything. So you are a liar either way you put it. Whatever you may have thought we had, is long done. That shit is still in San Clemente in that bland ass condominium.”
“Watch your mouth.” He hisses at me.
“Back the fuck up.” I wave him off attempting to close the door in order to secure Denzel.
“Oh, you thought you were just going to drive off without me seeing my son?”
“He’s not yours to worry about for all I’m concerned. I’ve moved on. I’m taking care of things. We don’t need you Desmond. Go be there for your girls. Go get ready for your wife’s funeral.” I tell him with no real intention of being that cruel and cold to him.
“Unfortunately for Maria, I don’t do well at funerals.” He moves me out of his way and opens the door back.
I don’t do well at funerals? Wow.
He’s evil. He won’t even go to his wife’s service? His first love, the mother of his children, and this is how he feels about her?
He leans down a bit to look into the backseat and get a good look at his third-born. “Why you think I’m just going to let some other nigga play daddy to my kid? This boy looks just like me, stop playing yourself Amanda.”
He takes him out of the seat and Denzel stares into his eyes a while, he holds his stillness.
“What’s up little man?” He kisses his cheek. “You look just like me.”
My son reaches for me and I attempt to grab him when I’m stopped by Desmond’s hand from moving any closer to him.
“I think I’m going to hold onto him for the night. You can come see us in the morning when you’ve packed your bags. We’re leaving first thing.”
My heart stops beating for a second. He’s not taking him anywhere.
“No! Please? Desmond please don’t take him.” I beg trying to grab my baby back. “I can’t go with you. I’m sorry I can’t go… I’m pregnant Des. I can’t just leave right now. But let me take him back home and get him in bed. And then you can see us again in the morning before you leave. We can grab breakfast and come up with another plan for you to be able to see him.”
“See him? Nah, he’s mine. I want all my children under one roof. If you want to stay, that’s on you. Go ahead and do what you’ve got to do. He’s coming with me.”
I grab him. “Please? I’ll do anything… don’t take my baby.” I beg trying to keep my shit together. I sniffle a few times hoping to get ahold of him. Why is no one helping me?
Where is everyone when I need a witness or bystander to step in and stop my child from being abducted?
My phone rings and it’s Paul. I don’t answer, knowing he will only make the situation worse.
“Okay… I’ll come. I’ll do it. Let me just get him home and in bed so I can pack. Paul has training early tomorrow. I’ll drive to the hanger after he’s gone and we’ll go. If I come back without Denzel he’ll know something is up. I’ll come.
“You think I’m stupid?” My child is wailing in his arms and the sight is stressing me out. He popped my tired so I’m losing air by the millisecond too. I don’t know how to change a fucking tire.
I shake my head no. “I don’t. We just have to be smart about this Desmond. I came up with the plan to get you out and it worked right?” I try to sell him on the idea. I just want my son back.
“Please. He’s going to do this all night if I’m not with him. And I can’t just go missing so suddenly again and stay local. If I’m not going home tonight, we need to leave in the next two hours. I have people who will be looking for me and I will be found in no time. Paul, Tommy, Coz, and my parents all have my location. It’s not going to end well for you. But if we go in the morning when we have enough time, we’ll get out and they’ll have no clue as to where.”
I rub his back as I hug my body against his.
“Come on baby.” I kiss his cheek in an attempt to seduce him. “I know I’ve been fucking around on you and I’m sorry. I’ve been so lost and sad without you, I just didn’t want to be lonely. If you’ll have me, I’ll come. I just thought you were done with me. But now I know it’s not true, I’ll get my act together and I’ll be good to you. I promise. Just let me take him home. He’s been fussy all week. He has more teeth coming in. You don’t want to be dealing with this whining all night. I’ll fix it.”
I make one final attempt to sell him on the idea.
But I really can’t leave with him. What would that even look like? He’s not going to want to raise another man’s kid. I told him that I’m pregnant and he doesn’t seem to care about it one bit.
Paul is going to kill him if he finds out about this.
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