When I finally get in the car to drive off, I remember that Desmond slashed my tire. He drove off without even offering to help, I suppose to give him time to leave without me being able to call the police on him.
So I call Jaheim, not wanting to tell Paul what just happened. I can handle my own shit right now because I don’t need him getting in trouble behind Desmond’s dumb ass.
He pulls up about 15 minutes later and comes to the car to see Denzel.
“Z Man!” He goes to the back to momentarily entertain my baby, who’s been crying nonstop. That interaction with Desmond really upset him and he has yet to calm down.
I get out to greet him and he checks me out.
“You good?” His voice rings raspy as I hug him, seeking some sort of comfort.
I just nod and then point to the tire.
“Damn, this tire is fully flat? It was like this when you got out to get the ice cream?”
I shake my head. “I just noticed it when we got back to the car. We were in line for like 20 minutes and then I came out and this is what I saw.”
He looks at the tire again and then back at me.
“That shit don’t sound right. But, I got you. Where’s your mans?”
“At home sleeping still probably. I snuck out to get the baby and grab him some ice cream and this is what I get I guess. The plan was for us to come out together.” I ramble while he unhooks Denzel from the seat again. He’s managed to be calmed by the sight of Jaheim, who he hasn’t seen in weeks.
But I think the familiarity, and just his overall goodness, has managed to soothe my son’s anxiety a bit.
“What’s up man? I’ve missed you.” I’m weakened by those words.
I’ve missed you. That’s Desmond’s go-to line. I’ve missed you. Missing a person implies that you really care about them, their well-being, and their happiness. The way he treats me shows me none of that. I can’t leave to be with this man. But I don’t want to be the one to send him to jail. I don’t want to interfere with what his daughters believe will be their new life. If he plans on taking them, at least they’ll still have him.
I try to get Ze to sleep while we wait for Jaheim to put the spare on the car and then he stops doing what he’s doing. He grabs the car seat out of the back and walks over to his car where he installs it.
He puts his keys in my hand and takes mine.
“Go get him home. I’m going to take it to my homeboy’s shop and get this fixed for you. Anita will come pick me up and drop me to yours to get the whip, go take your man his ice cream before it melts completely.”
“Too late for that.” I laugh. “But thank you Heim. I truly appreciate you, for real. I’m gonna be so sad when you guys move to Phoenix next month.” I groan thinking about it.
Jaheim and Paul have gotten really acquainted with each other the past few months, they hit the club together sometimes with a few other friends and make it a big thing. Anita and I will typically get together then and talk our shit while they’re out.
My family has padded itself out perfectly, everyone I need right now, have found their rightful place. There’s no way I can let Desmond upset this balance that’s been unbothered for a while.
He wraps an arm around me.
“I know, but we’ll just be a road trip away, plus it means you’ll get to see your other brother more. But for now, go. Get the baby in the bed. I’ll call you when I’m on my way.”
I walk into the apartment with my once again fussy son in one arm, and a handful of ice milk in the other.
Paul comes out of the room quickly looking for me.
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you.” He takes my face to kiss all over it. “We could’ve went to go get him together. I was only out for a little while.”
“I know, I just wanted to do something nice for you but I caught a flat and it’s all melted now.” I set the cup holder down on the counter in pure frustration.
He takes Denzel from me.
“What’s wrong baby boy?” He kisses him, offering a comforting hug. “Why’s he fussin’ like this?” He studies the both of us. “You said your tire was flat? You could’ve called me? I know how to fix a tire, you know?”
What is he going on about right now? Clearly, I don’t want to have a full on conversation or answer a thousand fucking questions. I just want to take a shower and get my ass in bed until tomorrow morning, when that motherfucker has no choice but to board a plane I’m not getting on.
“Oh yeah?” Is all I can give back to him before walking off into the room.
“Oh yeah?” He questions. “Amanda?” He follows me.
He puts Denzel down on the bed and turns the tv on for him. I start getting undressed in the bathroom while he does.
He doesn’t come straight into the bathroom so I presume he’s making Ze’s bottle and changing him into his night clothes.
I’m left alone to do my own thing for a few minutes and just as I’m stepping into the shower, he comes back into the bathroom.
“Now back to you, why you came back with an attitude? What happened at your parents’?”
“I don’t have an attitude.” I wash my body vigorously thinking about all the times I’ve let that man touch me before.
I can’t forget that I was a willing participant in a lot of fucked up things when it came to him. He treated me like something he owned and only he could have.
“Can I take a shower please?” I turn my back to him so he can’t see my tears forming through the glass door.
He just folds his arms.
“Nah, something’s not right. Why won’t you talk to me? We don’t do this, remember? We’re not doing this whole not speaking thing and keeping secrets. What’s going on?”
What happens if I don’t meet him tomorrow? What if he has some sort of contingency plan in place? He could try to have Denzel taken by a stranger the next time we leave the house, or-
Fuck. What if he has me killed for betraying him? And then he can take our kid and no one would be able to stop him. He’ll be able to come back to the states and set up shop somewhere else because I’m not around to testify against him in a trial.
I have to say something. I can’t lie about this. But I also can’t say anything to Paul. He’s dangerous in his own right. My first time going to a game once I returned, about 2 months after, I was approached by another player who tried to get at me.
“Hey sugar mama.” I hear from behind while I’m making my way over to say hi to Paul during shoot around.
Tommy is busy showing his nephew off to the coaching staff. I will admit, initially, I felt like my face wouldn’t be welcomed around here anymore given what took place, but all the guys are actually happy to see me and that I’m doing well.
Tommy told me that no one sees me any different, or has any sort of grudge against me for my involvement with Desmond. If they did, it would make them just as predatory as he was. None of them saw any reason for that man to be fucking with me, regardless of how flirtatious I may have been, that was a line he just should’ve never crossed.
Ke’Andre and Franklin, number 22, actually wanted to go find and fuck Desmond up for what he did. They both have been on this team the whole duration of Tommy’s tenure and have watched me come into myself over the years.
They’ve always caught me when I got out of line and corrected it, which Tommy has always appreciated. So it was a real sensitive issue to them, both of whom are protective by nature.
“Excuse me?” I find a heightened level of arrogance written all over Terry Callaway’s face. He plays for the opposing team, the Jersey Jaguars.
He moves closer to me with a ball in his hand.
“No disrespect boo. I’m just trying see what’s up?”
“What’s up with what?” I fold my arms anticipating a stupid ass response.
He scans my entire body and bites his bottom lip. He rotates the ball in his hands as if thinking about all the shit he’d do to me if he had the chance.
“That baby ain’t stop shit I see? You look good. Real good. You tryna come see about me after the game or what?”
“Aye back up off her my nigga.” Paul comes up from behind me. He stands in between Callaway and I.
Callaway laughs.
“Pierson, it ain’t that deep. I was just checking on lil mama is all. I know how much of a hostile environment this can be for the wild young ones like her.” He strikes.
Paul’s hand guides me further back.
“Aye man, watch your mouth.” Paul warns him. “Don’t come disrespecting us on this court now.”
Callaway nods and then peaks over Paul’s shoulder at me.
“You ain’t gotta worry about talking to me no more Amanda. I see you team property. Wouldn’t want to fuck with that no way.”
Paul throws his hand so quickly, no one could see it coming. Not even Callaway, who’s body now lays lifelessly on the ground.
It’s a very circus-like scene as a result and I’m instantly embarrassed by my involvement in the situation.
Paul is going to be removed from the game before it even starts, and once again, I’ll be the talk of sports media.
I turn around to look at him as he’s stepped into the shower with me. He hugs me tightly allowing the water to roll off his shoulders and down his arms to run down the back of my body.
I can’t lie to him. I’m not a liar. I don’t want to be.
“Desmond put a hole in my tire when we were at the ice cream place.” I pull my head up to look at his face while I speak. “He must’ve followed me from my parents’ or something. I don’t know- he just knew where I was and now, he said I have to leave with him tomorrow to go back to Vietnam. Or probably to somewhere else now because he probably knows too many people know where he’s been posted up. He wants Denzel being raised together with his sisters.” I’ve never even processed the fact that Sasha and Shakira are the big sisters of my son.
They have rights to be apart of each other’s lives and one thing I would hate is for Denzel to grow up and find out that I’m the reason he doesn’t have a bond with his older siblings.
“He thinks he’s taking you where? What the fuck is he talking about? You ain’t going no-fucking-where. And he ain’t taking our kid. He has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and his first swim class right after. Denzel has shit to do. Who does he think he is? After all the shit you told me he’s done, there’s no way he’s coming near either of you. He don’t just get to decide that he wants to be a part of this when he almost lost it and didn’t care.” I’ve gotten Paul worked up.
And he won’t stop. We are in the kitchen now and the conversation has floated out here with us.
“What am I supposed to do then?”
“Then? So you thinking about leaving with that nigga? Please don’t say something stupid Amanda.” He places the olive oil on the counter for me and stares hard in my direction.
“No. I’m just listening to you be upset when I’m already there. I got roughed up. Not you.”
“You didn’t say he put his hands on you? I’m going to tear his head off his neck.”
I move up on him instantly and grab his face with both my hands.
“Baby. I’m okay though. Look. Let that shit go, please? I just, let’s just call the police? What are you going to go find him yourself and try to detain him? That’s stupid Paul, come on. I just feel like maybe it will be best for everyone, even the girls if he was here. He don’t give a fuck about nobody but himself. That’s not good for anyone. Just trust me. Let me handle it. Don’t get yourself in trouble behind me.” He kisses me and then touches his nose to mine.
“You never have to handle shit with me. I told you that momma. You’re mine to care for. Mine to love. I’m not gonna let that nigga take you away from me.” He growls.
I just hold onto him.
“He won’t. Just let me make you something to eat. Put on our show.” He stares looks at me with a clinched jaw. “Go. I’m good. We’re good. We have shit to do like you said. Let’s just eat and get ready for bed.”
I tap his ass and push him out of the the kitchen playfully. I can’t take the stress tonight. As bad as this sounds, I’m about to take an edible because anything I eat will surely come back up if not. As soon as he goes to sit his ass down, I’m on it.
Looking at the time on the coffee table clock, the moving numbers make it apparent to me that high has started to kick in. All I can think about is sex.
But Paul is probably too tired to go at it again tonight so I think once he’s sound asleep, I can do what I need to do in order to satisfy myself.
We just put the baby in the other room that we recently made his own, so I just have to help Paul close his eyes.
“Let me grease your scalp baby.” I sit up and crawl over him to grab the grease off of his nightstand. He stares down my night shirt and bites his lips. Both of his hands rest just on my behind.
“Nah, just lay on me instead. I just want to hold you boo. I want to talk to my daughter.” I pull the covers back so that I can comfortably turn around and lay in between his legs. He pulls my body back to rest his hands on my belly.
“Paulina?” He speaks loud enough for her to maybe be able to hear. He taps his fingers on my belly lightly. “Your daddy’s here baby girl. I hope you’re doing okay in there and that mommy’s stress isn’t stressing you out.” He kisses my shoulder. “I love you so much, and I can’t wait to meet you. Your mommy can’t wait to meet you too.”
This room is starting to look, smell, and feel a lot like the bedroom back in the condo. That bright orange room decorated with white, red, yellow and gold artwork. It smelled like pine-sol and midnight secrets.
“Denzel, your daddy can’t wait to meet you. Hang in there kid. We’ll figure this shit out soon enough. You’re going to be at home, with your sisters, who will love you so much.”
How could that have been a lie? The hope for a full family. I don’t think he was lying about that. I’m not a liar. I don’t know how one can honestly make strong statements like that and not mean it.
I touch my hands to the top of Paul’s to bring myself back to the present. I’m home, I’m safe. I’m not lonely, I’m not cold or waiting for my next few seconds of human interaction.
“I’m going to be right there when you come out of this little pouch you’re living in right now. Inside of your beautiful momma, who I love so, so much.”
I just hold onto his hands and stare at the screen, which has been muted for the sake of his conversation with Paulina.
“Breaking: Suspended Sailor’s Guard Desmond Chisel Seen at Local Ice Cream Shop.” I read the caption.
“Paul?” I grab the remote and un-mute the TV.
There is some dark footage of him shoving me away aggressively while I can be seen grabbing for my child.
“What the fuck? Someone literally sat there watching this shit happen and refused to help? But was quick to record the shit right? This is my real fucking life and I’m tired of being a story! What is wrong with people?” I’m irritated but because of the edible, I’m unable to get mad enough to do anything other than laugh in disbelief. “This is some fucked up shit.”
“No Amanda, actually… I think this means they’re going to get him. There’s proof he’s here. It’s going to be hard for him to make it back out now. If he’s been anywhere near his kids or his people since being back, they’ll get him. Someone knows where his ass is. They’ve got him.” Paul continues to console me by rubbing my arms up and down.
They’ve got him?
I’ve had to come face to face with my consequences. Now I think it’s time he does the same. We can’t run from this anymore. There’s no real reason to hide. He needs to just do his time and pick himself up afterwards. He needs to move forward being the best that he can for all of his children.
Of course, a deeper conversation will need to be had once some time has passed, before we discuss his presence in Denzel’s life. I’m open to the idea of him knowing his son, I just need him to stop running from his mistake. Until he owns up to the fact that we happened, he is actively denying himself the life he just told me he wanted for us.
Actions speak louder than words I’ve come to finally learn. If he loved me the way he said he did all those times, he’d stop making my life so difficult to live in a honest way. Because love doesn’t last long when it’s been built atop a hill of lies.
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