“Paulina, get down.” I listen as Paul and his now 1-year old baby girl get into another psychological spar.
“No!” She puts a lot of force behind that one, I’m tempted to turn around.
“Oh wow.” I whisper.
This child is definitely giving both Paul, and myself, a run for our money. Denzel is two now and there’s nothing “terrible” about any of his behaviors. He can be so nonchalant at times, that we actually worry if something may be bothering him or causing him to not want to engage.
It’s just how he is. When he wants to play, he plays. And when he doesn’t, he’ll just vibe. He’ll sit up under his dad all day though, mainly when Paul is on the game.
But Paulina on the other hand, she’s busy and extremely mouthy. She walks around as if she owns the place and no one can tell her anything at all. We love her, and sometimes her little attitude can cause a snicker or two, but out of sheer disbelief.
Nothing is cute about a grown ass little girl that can’t be checked, I understand this now wholeheartedly.
My brother said she’s definitely my karma. His and Cosima’s daughter, Talia, will be turning one in two months. We found out she was pregnant the night Tommy and I sat with the therapist.
The two of them got married last February, and Talia got here in May. Paul and I just got married December 28th, five days after Paulina turned one. We wanted both of the kids to be able to participate in the wedding and had to wait for them both to be walking and able to take some sort of direction.
Denzel was the most handsome ring bearer, while Paulina was a beautiful, but very all-over-the-place flower girl. The wedding was wonderful and full of emotion, as anyone could expect. We had a winter wonderland theme going for us. But the love that Paul and I have, is what made it such a show for everyone.
I never thought I would truly be able to call another person my soulmate or better half, but I really don’t have a choice in the matter when it comes to him. We are truly each other’s best friends and we talk about everything. We come up with plays and plans for the kids to get them to do what we need them to and it’s kind of funny.
And we’ve even had to discuss “other options” as Paul almost got caught up in a trade deal that would’ve sent us to Portland, but the deal fell through. And thank God it did, because we have been able to keep our core family unit intact.
We have regular family dinners, either here at the new house or at my parents’. Tommy and Coz love to host, but since having Talia they feel as though the house hasn’t been guest-appropriate. Paul’s mom lives in our guesthouse out back and she’s a total “glamma”.
She goes out on dates and everything when she’s not helping us out with the kids, a true superwoman. She’s the best at handling Paulina, and is virtually the only person this little girl doesn’t try.
Walking over to my husband and two kids, who all occupy the huge plush sofa, I bless them all with kisses.
“Okay, I’m going to my study date. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“Love you.” He pulls me back for another kiss.
“Love you too. What do you want for dinner so I know if I need to stop on the way back to grab ingredients?”
“I’ll cook today, don’t worry about it. You just focus on studying for your test tomorrow. But don’t forget to pick up the stuff for Coach’s birthday. We are going to make a big set-up for him in the locker room after the game tomorrow night.” I nod showing him I understand.
The team is always doing a locker room after-party for stuff. I think it’s why they are so close-knit as a unit and have been dominating the Western-Conference this season. The core of the team has remained relatively unchanged, and they’ve had time to grow with one another in ways a lot of other teams haven’t.
The rookies are coached well by the vets so that they can step-up when there’s a man down. Essentially, this is why the Sailors have been an unstoppable ship this whole season.
“Mommy, I go.” Denzel stands up reaching for me.
I have no choice but to pick him up to give him a hug.
“Baby mommy has some stuff to get done. I’ll be back soon. And we can go to the park later with your friends from next door. You want to do that?” I smile.
I can’t help kissing his face a few times before putting him back down.
“Paulina, don’t drive daddy up the wall today please.”
“We already beefing.” He looks at her and playfully pushes her away from him. Yesterday she turned the tv off in the middle of his game and he lost it.
She taps his hand away laughing before jumping over him. She lands on top of Denzel’s lap and he looks so bothered. He simply pushes her off and she falls down onto the carpet.
“Paulina, please baby. Just relax.” Paul laughs, picking her back up. He lays her down next to him and gently rubs her back.
“Let me leave you to it then.”
I’m not a liar. I intended to come study with my classmates, but I canceled when I got a call.
Desmond has been out for about two weeks now and this is the one thing Paul doesn’t care too much to talk about. He knows that I still have some sort of relationship with him, and is well aware that I visited him in prison a few times. His family pretty much turned their back on him and Maria’s mom kept the girls but wouldn’t take them to visit him.
I understand it, even Paul and I had a conversation about whether or not Denzel should go with me to see him. We decided against it initially, along with my parents and Tommy. But, towards the middle of his sentence, the conversation was revisited after a sermon on forgiveness.
We’ve been going to church of late, all of us. My dad felt some kind of way about the way we stopped going once basketball started to take over Tommy’s life. And it’s been good for us as a family. Reconnecting with our faith, and just the overarching goal of doing good, to those around us and ourselves, has given us a few things to work toward as a unit.
I had to forgive Desmond because I played a part in the onset of our relationship too. What happened at the end of it, is just what happened at the end of it. If I didn’t push up on him the way I did the night of that party, we probably would’ve kept walking past each other with a smile, thinking nothing of it.
Denzel should know his dad, and his sisters. I feel like a lot of problems will be prevented that way. I want to give him no reasons to hate me or hold a grudge against Paul, who will always be in his life I have no doubt.
Stepping up to the door at Nick’s, I check myself in the glass reflection. This cropped cami with this full length skirt is killer. I look cute today.
I take a deep breath and open the door to the restaurant. When I walk in, I see him sitting at a table in the back. Fuck, let’s get this shit over with Amanda.
I feel like taking this meeting without Paul’s say so, was a dumb ass decision I made just to make it.
I get closer to the table and he looks up from the menu to stand. He moves to pull my seat out and I stop him.
“I got it.” I adjust my shirt to cover my side boob. These babies did something nice for my breasts, but sometimes they get out of hand.
He stares at my shoulder.
“You got another one.” He nods examining it.
“Yup.” I have several tattoos now. Some significant, others not.
“You’re loud as hell too. You high right now?”
I nod. There’s a glimmer of disappointment that I catch in his expression.
“Does Paul know that you smoke?”
I shrug. I don’t care if he does. He hasn’t said shit to me about it. We have more important things going on than that. I do what I need to do for him and the kids, and I’m doing great in school, I’m vibing.
“I don’t know. But it probably won’t make him no nevermind.” I pick up one of my mom’s country ass sayings. “It helps me study. Nursing school is hard.”
“It makes you numb.”
Oh he’s some sort of psychologist now? I ignore his comment.
“How are you?”
“I’m straight. Trying to figure some things out. Trying to get back in with the girls and my people. They aren’t coming around as quickly as I hoped.”
He’s isolated, I know what that feels like.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head as if to tell me not to be.
“I have to get high to deal with my daughter. She’s a lot. She’s just like me. I don’t want to villainize her though, because she can’t help it. She’s only one, but she just does crazy shit to get a reaction from both her dad and myself. She’s not much of a crier, that’s the scary part. She just finds her own little way of getting even after something upsets her.”
She’s a little too cruel for someone so young I believe. It’s frightening.
“That’s the shit I used to do and I get so mad because that part of myself got me caught up. I don’t like it one bit. Its hard not to hold a grudge against that part of myself. I hate it even. And I ended up making a carbon copy of it. She’s so smart for her age, she’s growing up fast and I’m scared it may be too fast for her own good. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did.” I have to take a deep breath and when I do, I breathe out tears instead of air.
“Amanda?” Desmond reaches for my hands across the table. I pull them back to wipe my face with them instead.
“Because that means I think Denzel was a mistake and I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to hate my life or blame my kids for my fucked up choices… You fucked me up.”
I shrug and sit all the way back in the chair, folding my arms.
“I fucked you up.” He agrees. He bites the inside of his cheek and his eyes water. His beautiful bright eyes that made me both love and fear him. His eyes that can tell a lie just as well as his lips. “All I can do is say I’m sorry though. That’s just the truth. You fucked me up just as much. And that’s not to be insensitive, we just can’t take the shit back. We did what we did and we can’t take it back.”
I nod and chuckle.
“Wasted Energy.” I whisper and wipe my eyes.
“Mhmm.”
We sit in silence for a while, attempting to kill the awkward silence by flipping our menus over and over.
“Focus on Sasha and Shakira right now. If Paul knew I came to see you, a conversation would have to be had. I don’t have time for that bullshit right now. Give me some time. I’ll talk to him about some sort of arrangement. I want you to be a part of your family. Because at the end of the day, that’s what we are Desmond, whether or not we care to admit it. It’s just a few members of the family that aren’t dealing with you right now.”
“I already know it. And I got you. I appreciate it. Are you hungry?” He’s desperate to change the subject I can tell.
We are both living in the aftermath of our decision. I may have everything a woman could possibly want right now: the husband, the kids, the house, the family dinners, I’m active in the church, I have a group of healthy friends and I’m working toward a career. Yet, I’m still hallowed at my core.
I know how I should feel, what I should think, and what I should be doing. But there is something missing, something that allows this whole situation to make the sense it needs in order for me to truly come to terms with it.
“Hell yeah. I need to eat something and to hydrate. I made a tattoo appointment down the street. They just called me back and told me I could come in.” I play along hoping to distract myself from what could be my third depressive spiral this week.
“Look at you.” He laughs and shakes his head. “Ghetto.” He says in a playful manner.
I flip him the bird and roll my eyes. “What are you ordering?”
I’m glad we can be like this, it’s better in the long run. He’s a choice I made and I have to make peace with him. To laugh is to love. We can be friends and I feel that’s the Christ-like thing to do. He’s still a person. He still has a son with me that deserves the respect of me being kind to his father.
If I’m going to be a bitchy mom, I’ve got to get at least a few things right. And that’s all I can do, right?
“Does it hurt?”
I shake my head no.
“I’ve given birth naturally twice, nothing compares to the pain of that.” I focus on the artist at work.
“What does this one mean? You’ve got the angels on your shoulder, the sword on your back, and this is supposed to be?” Desmond watches as the sketch of the snake, that is now wrapped around my ankle, gets filled in with the ink.
“Snakes can be the problem and the solution, two things can be true at once. I think I’ve got a bit of poison in me that I don’t mean to harm anyone else with. Like I told you about my kids. I see a lot of me in that little girl and I’m praying it’s not the poison. I’m praying that she doesn’t grow up to actively become the problem the way I did. I knew what I was doing a lot of the time and I did a lot of dumb shit to spite the people around me who I thought hated me. If I see that my poison has infected her, I have to be her antidote. I have to correct the mistake my mother made with me, with her. Falling even more in love with the design I’ve come up, I explain it to him with even more pride.
I figured my study plans fell through already, so I may as well make the most of this alone time that I haven’t had in a while. Something about the tiny painful pricks of the needles, make me feel like I’m actually here. And like I’m actually made of some sort of substance that matters to someone else, somewhere out there the world.
I don’t hate my life or my family. Or my kids. They are just a lot to deal with and there’s a huge part of me that feels like I haven’t yet lived up to my own potential as a “good time girl”. I didn’t get that full college experience or get to fully tap into the pissing contest that is trying to be the better student of all your roommates.
I want my children, I just kind of wish I waited a while longer to have them. Even though I know wishing them away won’t work, it’s just wasted fucking energy.
I simply crave the opportunity to be excited about something random. Something new.
“That shit is deep. But you know what, speaking from the perspective of a guy with two shitty parents, the fact that you care this much about your child’s decisions and your overall influence on them… means you’re already the best mother you can be for them. All it takes is compassion and commitment. It sounds like you have that. The snake shit though, is deep. I have to say this might be my favorite snake I’ve done on someone.” My artist, Detroit, tells me looking up.
Desmond nods, smiling at me. “You’re a better parent than I am for sure.”
“You were a parent for more than half a decade compared to my two years. We both still have a lot of time to keep fucking up. The goal is to not. But no one should be too confident, not until they cross the finish line.” I cross my arms, starting to feel a bit chilly.
He notices and tells me to hold on with his finger. He walks out of the shop.
“When do you think the finish line for parenting is?” Detroit seems to be enjoying this conversation.
I shrug.
“I’m not sure… I know my parents haven’t crossed that line yet with me. I’m still learning a lot about life myself. I’m trying to be a better person everyday and make amends for all the mess I’ve made in the midst of their fuck up. My relationship is much better with them now, but I still go through those moments where I want to blame them for the shit I did. You ever get those flashes of memory? Like of things you did that you wish you wouldn’t have?”
He nods.
“Mhmm. And it makes you feel super uncomfortable to the point you close your eyes and turn your head for a second?” He hits the nail on the head.
“Yes! Oh my goodness, so it isn’t just me?”
He chuckles.
“Nope, not just you. There’s something all of us are embarrassed about from our past. That’s just part of life though. We are going to fuck up you know? We can try not to. But if we do, the most important thing is the bounce back, not trying to bury it. You can’t bury your kids baby.” He looks me in the eyes as he speaks.
I know he doesn’t mean I’d kill them, but I am running from them in a way. I’m sure listening to Desmond and I interact so far, has clued him into that fact.
“Do you have kids?” I’m curious.
He nods.
“A little boy. His name is Dyson. He’ll be 5 next month.”
“Oh nice. Happy early birthday to him.”
Desmond comes back in with a hooded sweatshirt for me to put on.
“Thanks.”
He nods, taking a seat saying nothing else. Meanwhile Paul is calling me. I put the side of my fist to my forehead hesitant to answer.
I sigh and do so anyways.
“Hey baby.” I try to be as clear as I can over the sound of the needle coming to a stop.
“Hey, how’s it going? Just checking on you. You’ve been gone for a minute.”
He knows I’m out here doing something I shouldn’t be.
“Yeah, I’m uh-I’m actually at the tattoo shop right now. Don’t be mad. I was going to go study and then I just called the shop and asked them if I could come in and they gave me an appointment. So, I went out for some breakfast, and I’ve just made it a me day instead.” I give a partial truth.
He laughs.
“Baby why would I be mad at you? I don’t like when you say that, I feel like you’re implying I’d hurt you or something, please stop saying that.” I can hear slight frustration in his voice.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I-“ I pause a moment just wanting to let it go.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your energy was a little off when you left this morning, it has been the past few days. You want to talk about it when you get home?” He’s such an emotionally available and mature person, it’s sometimes hard for me to understand where the fuck he came from.
“Yeah, we can. I just don’t feel right about something and I haven’t exactly wanted to bring it up to you. You know, to keep the peace.”
He lets out a breath.
“I feel like I know exactly what this is about.”
I nod growing a bit nervous.
“You still want to talk about it?”
“Sounds like we have to.”
“Okay. I’ll be home soon. I love you.”
“I love you too. Don’t forget to pick up those party favors for me please.” He hangs up and I can tell the idea of my even bringing Desmond up just pissed him off, though he didn’t want to say it.
I look to Desmond who mouths “thank you” to me from the corner.
“Thank you. For driving me over here. I appreciate you spending a bit of time with me, you know. One thing we did try to do when we were together was have a good time. But I like that we were able to talk and come to some sort of understanding about a few things.”
He nods.
“Is my stuff still at the condo? Well the stuff I left there?”
“I haven’t thrown anything away. Are you looking for something in particular?”
“My robe… my first ever robe, my mom bought it for me and put it in this little gift basket full of stuff when I turned 16. I loved that robe. I haven’t found any other like it. And I’m going through this thing where every time I go to a department store, I go look for one just the same. I feel like that’s the robe I should be changing dirty diapers and reading books to get my babies to bed in. I haven’t let go of that thing and I want it back.”
We get outside of what used to be our old “home” and as I’m taking my seatbelt off, he stops me.
“You don’t have to come in. Your bag is still here, I can just go through and pack up whatever will fit. I’ll bring it out.”
“You don’t want me to come in?” I frown. “What, you got a girlfriend or something who might get the wrong idea?” Consider my curiosity peaked.
“Nah. I just know you well enough to know that even though you may actually want the robe, you came over here to do some dumb shit that I’m not going to let you do. You have some great things happening in your life Amanda. Don’t fuck them up. Try to remember how we got into this situation in the first place.”
Damn, I guess incarceration definitely did “rehabilitate” him. Or at least make him more aware of the nuances to every situation. I’m kind of upset that he was just able to call me out like that, but I’m inspired by the level of self-control.
“So you wouldn’t go at it again. Even if you got the chance. I’m an adult now. The crime has already been committed. There’s no reason we can’t.”
“Why the hell would you want to?” He’s combative.
I shrug.
He sighs and shakes his head. I start to bite at my fingernails growing more and more agitated by the second. I want to go into the fucking condo, and that’s the truth. Just to see what happens.
“Look Amanda, if I ever gave you the impression that cheating was okay, at any point in a marriage… then I’m truly sorry for misleading you. I would hope this is something you’ve never done before and that maybe you’re just feeling some things, given how good of a day we had together. But this is not okay.”
I’m really not in the mood for some holier than thou bullshit.
“Paul is an amazing guy, he’s good to you, and he’s been good to our son in my absence. He’s not like me at all. He’s for you, go home to him. Don’t get caught up in a dangerous game like I did. Once you do some shit like that, you can never undo it. You will either have to lie until you can’t anymore, or come clean for your conscience and be the bad guy. What we had was something. It was real, but it was wrong. I played a lot of games and I was complacent in both of us ruining your childhood. I’m thinking straighter now though, and I could never let you make another terrible decision like that and just stand by watching.”
I tear up thinking to myself. Now he fucking cares what decisions I make, this is embarrassing. I haven’t even kissed him or anything and I’m getting turned away like a fucking leper.
“Yeah, whatever. You’re right.” I try to shrug the rejection off.
He just looks at me quizzically.
“Why?”
I turn my head to acknowledge his stupid ass question.
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to go in there? After everything that’s happened? Is there some sort of demon you are trying to deal with?”
I shake my head no but I’m sure he can sense that I’m lying.
“I just wanted to fuck. You can go do what you need to. I’ll wait right here.” I dismiss him.
He closes the door behind himself once he gets inside and the little glimpse I had into our life together, is rather unfulfilling.
I just need to remember why I did it? I need to remember why he was worth the pain I’m living with today because of our affair. Amanda wants to know why it had to be him she laid with first.
She wants to know why she still wants him.
“He’s full of shit.” I turn the ignition off.
As I’m walking up the porch steps, I’m remembering the moment I went into labor. Thinking I was going to die and never get to see my son’s face. I endured so much through the pregnancy, that I thought my baby was going to come out sickly, or deformed. Like maybe, he’d come out broken or bruised up, and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if he did.
I didn’t have the courage to seek help when I needed it and I truly think that the delivery woman was sent by God to make sure I made it out alright. Trying to imagine what would’ve happened if I stayed in this house to deliver Denzel on my own, is bringing on a huge bout of negative emotion that I refuse to comprehend.
I take a seat on the top step and try to stop myself from feeling. But, it’s hard not to. I feel everything I felt in that moment knowing it was over and that I’d probably never see this man again.
“Okay kid, let’s get you back so you can get on the road before it gets dark.”
“Don’t do that.” I tell him wiping my eyes so that he can’t tell I’ve been crying.
He stops as he is about to move past me. “Don’t do what?”
“Don’t “kid” me. I’m not your kid. I wasn’t a kid when you were okay hiding me in here so you could fuck me. And now all of a sudden you realize that it was a problem? If you never wanted to be with me you should just say that. Don’t try to act like you’ve grown, or had some change of heart because you didn’t. If we didn’t get caught I would still be right up in here and you wouldn’t give a damn. You didn’t care if we got caught! I told you we should leave before the baby came and what did you do? Run and tell your wife. You didn’t want me!” There’s this rush of anger that’s just come over me and I’m deeply saddened.
I never got to properly grieve him or the relationship and I suppose this is the time for me to do so. Being here allows me to do so. But what if I truly don’t want to grieve? He’s done his time, he’s a free man. I’m of the right age now. There’s no reason this couldn’t work. I love Paul, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t try.
“You think this can’t work Desmond? We can do things right this time. You can see Denzel whenever you want and our family can be together. She’s not here to stop us anymore. I can help you get the girls back, whatever. I’ll do whatever you want me to, just don’t do this to me. Please?”
I get up and grab his face to kiss him. He pulls away.
“Amanda, stop.”
“If you’re still upset about Paul, I’ll fix it. He’s a good guy, he’ll find someone better than me. Please Desmond, don’t be like this to me.” I’m bawling and there’s a part of me that wants to be embarrassed by my acting this way, but there’s a bigger part of me that wants him to see how desperate I am to reconnect.
“Listen to yourself. This is not you. There’s a devil in your ear trying to use you to get me to fuck things up again. Don’t let it use you like that Amanda. Go home to your husband and your kids. I’m going to focus on fixing my family and I think you need to focus on learning to love yours. You’ve got a good situation, Paul he loves you. He loves my son like his own, and your family approves of him. Why would you throw that away?”
“For you! Dummy. What happened to you feeling the same way about me? You said you loved me?” I can’t believe the way he’s acting right now.
He shakes his head no and lets out a puff of air.
“Amanda, I never meant that shit like that. As the mother of my child, I do have a lot of love for you. I want you to be okay, and to be happy. But you’re not going to be happy with me. I said what I needed to say to keep you in check, but that’s all our relationship was. We had our good times and we can have more, as friends. But we were not, and will not be together like that. I was not a good man to you and I did some things that I’m still disappointed in myself for. You were violated, over and over again by me. I acted in ways against you while you were here, and kept you from your family. I was mean to you and demanded way too much. That’s the truth, you need to let me go.” He says harshly. He speaks in a way so final. Like that’s it, that’s fucking all.
I thought my heart was broken before, but the pain I feel in the center of my chest right now is indescribable. It’s paralyzing even. I knew he told some lies, but I didn’t think him loving me was one of them. I’ve always just wanted to believe that he was fucked up in the head and doing terrible things because of it.
I took so much shit from him because I thought he meant it. I thought we were in love.
“Hey, it’s Desmond. She’s here, she came to see me. Nothing crazy happened. I respect your marriage and I wouldn’t ruin what you have like that. We were talking through some things and I guess she doesn’t feel like she’s getting the closure she wants… yeah, she’s not doing too well. Can you come get her? I don’t feel safe sending her out on the road like this. I’m in San Clemente. Can you bring Tommy or somebody with you to drive her car back, or something? That could work… no problem. She’s here, I did give her one of my sedatives to calm her down. She’s laying on the couch, she’s safe though. I’m going to keep an eye on her.”
I don’t like the way he made that sound. “I respect your marriage? Now he’s going to fucking think…” I start crying again but it’s a struggle to really get it out.
“I didn’t cheat on him. I love him.”
“You heard that?” He puts the phone on speaker.
“Amanda?” I hear Paul through the phone.
“I’m not a liar Paul. I just didn’t want you to be upset with me. I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to disrespect you. I love you and I feel so bad. I’m so stupid.”
“My love, take a few deep breaths for me…”
“You think I did something?” I sniffle.
“I never said that. Desmond already told me what happened. He wouldn’t have called me if everything wasn’t kosher. I need you to calm down right now. I don’t like the way you’re sounding. I’ll be there in a little bit. You stopped taking your medication?”
“No I didn’t.” Since I’ve been going to therapy, the woman I speak with thought I’d benefit the most if I also saw a psychiatrist to deal with my depression. Just temporarily, until I get a little more balanced. Things started to get a little funky for me when I found out Desmond was being released about 4 months before he did.
“Okay. I just want to make sure. I just want to help you. I’ll be there in a little bit okay? I love you Amanda.”
I’m unable to stop sniffling uncontrollably.
“I love you too. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Desmond.”
“It’s okay.” They both say in sync.
Engagement