I can’t believe today makes me eighteen years-old. I’m excited, but it doesn’t exactly feel like this over the top situation I thought it would be before.
Today just feels like another day. Things have been so much better since I finally came clean about everything to Tommy. I even told him about the Reagan situation, which Matthew is in some serious shit for.
His family is being sued by the families of all the girls affected by the leak I caused, and he himself is facing jail time. They managed to put partial blame for Reagan’s death on him.
When Daphne told me the first time she came over here since my return, I was hell bent on coming clean so Matthew wouldn’t go down for it.
But both Daph and Tommy told me to leave it alone. They think that regardless of what I did, he still recorded and kept them on his phone. If his property was stolen somehow, they still would’ve gotten out and caused this same problem.
I was terrified that Daph would flip out on me for lying to her, but she truly didn’t give a fuck. She understands the situation I was in with both Reagan and my fear of being caught with Desmond.
She’s just so happy to have me back, she’s been over here just about everyday after school. And so has Jaheim. Tommy wouldn’t let him come see me until Christmas because he wanted to give me some time to get settled.
He felt like old situations would only add to my difficulty adjusting to life back here at home. But when he did get to come over, it was like reconnecting with a cousin you haven’t seen in years, pure bliss.
Personally, I think the art of catching up with a person you haven’t seen in a while is tragically underrated. You weave in and out of subconsciously pre-approved topics of conversation, hoping to not pry too much or make the other person feel uncomfortable. There are invisible boundaries you just don’t cross until there’s an unspoken agreement to proceed with the heavy hitting questions. And he had many of them.
He wanted to know if I went for Desmond to make him feel like less than the man he knew he could be for me. And if I still loved and hoped Des would be apart of Denzel’s life.
I told him no to the first question but yes to the second. He wanted to see if there was still a place for himself in my life which I made very clear to him that there was, but as a friend. At least for now.
I still want to be with Desmond, God willing. But it’s gotten harder to hang onto the idea of him still wanting to be with me. I sometimes think that he maybe always wanted a way out of the life he had as a pro ball-player and always being in the media, and that he used our situation to gain it.
I don’t want to believe that, and I don’t necessarily feel as though that’s his truth. But I do know that I have no way, as of right now, to find out where he actually stands when it comes to our situation.
I don’t even really know if he actually made it to where he was going, or if he’s safe there.
Only thing I know he did for certain was obtain a birth certificate and driver’s license that originally belonged to someone else in the state of similar age and history. He then had a passport altered I assume. That is the extent of my knowledge of what he’s done or where he’s been.
I know for sure I told him to move his money elsewhere, so he shouldn’t be hurting too much as far as finances go.
“Ms. Ma’am, how late you plan on being out?” My brother slices my chain of what-ifs with his attitude.
He’s feeling some type of way because I’m going to a concert with P3. The crazy part is, he asked Tommy for permission first, and Tommy told him that it was okay.
“Let me tell you something, why you tripping when you told the man yes? We are just going to a concert and probably to get some food. He’s sweet. He just wanted to get me out of the house.”
“Of course he does.”
“Thomas, ease up on the girl.” Cosima comes to my defense.
I walk over to her and rest my cheek on her shoulder as she makes the baby a bottle for me.
“You’re the best Cozie. We’re keeping her, Thomas.”
My brother twists his neck side to side and sucks the mayonnaise off his thumb before proceeding to make fully decked out sandwiches for the both of them.
“No, because I’m just trying to understand why all these niggas want to sleep my sister of all the women they see around? Like what ya’ll got going on?”
“Shut the hell up.”
“Go have fun darling.” She waves my brother off looking back at me.
“Thanks.” I kiss her on the cheek and then I hug my brother.
“Mhmm. Call me if you need me.” He kisses my forehead as he always does.
“Will do.”
I kiss Denzel who sleeps in his rocker. “Bye my sweet baby.” My boy has gotten so chubby. It’s cute. “My chunky monkey.” I’m just so in love with him. I hope his dad gets to experience this, knowing how excited he was to have him.
The doorbell rings and I scurry over to it, excited to answer. I think he’s so cute.
“Paul Parker Pierson” I smile as the distance between the door and door post widens allowing me to get a good look at him.
He’s so magnificent to me, he’s a nice chocolate brown, 6’7, slim giant. He had braids that he recently cut after getting his braces off. At first I thought it made him look weird but now it’s grown on me. He’s grown-man-sexy . I guess he wanted to tap into what 21 should look like.
He comes in and greets me with a hug.
“What’s up?” His fragile English accent tickles my inner ear. He’s Haitian so with his first languages being both Creole and French, there’s a bit of a difference in dialect that keeps things interesting.
I notice two bags in his hand and gasp.
“Awe, you didn’t have to.” I smile backing away to get a better look.
“Are you kidding me? Your brother would kick my ass if I didn’t come in here with a birthday gift for you. Plus, you deserve it. I got something for the little man too.” He smiles walking over to get a look at my baby boy. “He’s so cute. A fat little thing.” He sets the bags down next to him and stands back up to wave at Tommy and Coz.
“What’s up P?” My brother delivers dry words.
I laugh to myself knowing he’s being so petty right now.
“I’m going to open the bags later, is that okay? I’m hoping we can get something to eat before the concert starts.”
He bobs his head slightly showing his approval of my idea and we leave the house without further delay.
After struggling to come up with an agreement on what to eat, we settle on Italian food. He let’s me pick what we’ll order and I figure it’s got to be hard to mess up pizza.
“Pizza it is then.” He tells the waitress as he takes the menu that was handed to me earlier. He looks at me once she walks away. “So how are you doing mama bear?”
He takes my hand and pulls it up to kiss all over it. He’s definitely a French man for sure. He’s a smooth talker with a bold attitude about himself.
You can tell he thinks he’s got you on the hook just by the way he takes control of every situation, no matter how big or small.
I didn’t think I’d be open to the idea of dating any time soon. I just figure why not keep myself occupied while I wait? Desmond will reach out to me in due time I hope, but until then, I shouldn’t really sit and sulk. Jaheim and I are good as friends and it wouldn’t make sense to complicate things by adding sex to the mix.
But a girl still has needs.
“I’m maintaining for the most part. Chilling. Studying to take my test in a month. Mom shit.” I shrug completely aware of how boring he may find me.
He mocks my shrug.
“Okay, how’s that going? You weren’t just able to go back to school?” I can tell he is genuinely interested in knowing.
“I mean I could’ve, but then I would’ve graduated a year later and I’m not trying to be a super senior. I’d rather study for the test. I’ve always been good at that, or at least guessing. I was an honor roll kid for the most part.”
“You’re smart, you’ve always been.” He encourages me.
I bat my eyelashes playfully. I can’t help blushing out of sheer insecurity.
“What?” His lips curl.
“You still think that do you?”
He nods. “You don’t think you’re smart?”
I shrug.
“I just do dumb shit.” The whisper sneaks out as I scratch the back of my ear nervously.
“Everybody does… when I found out, that you were gone, I panicked. That whole week I was kind of out of it. Your brother wasn’t doing okay and I knew that. I tried to keep things up for him. Lift his spirits they say?”
I validate him.
“But I was thinking a lot… what the hell did she do that was so bad? Why would she leave like that? And then we found out you were pregnant and everything changed. Like, we all knew what happened, we just didn’t know with who. We figured that was the issue, the who? Two kids fuck around, then have a baby, okay. We get it, shit happens. But for you to take off, we just knew it was an older guy. I was praying and all. “Just please let her and the baby be okay”, it was serious to me. And then when he got the call from the hospital, Dre and I were in the car with him, going to get something to eat. It went from, “I hope she’s okay” to “I’m glad she’s okay, but damn, she just had her baby. That’s it for me.” And I know it’s selfish. I don’t know why I’m telling you this shit, I just… you scared the fuck out of me Amanda. Don’t feel bad about it, that’s not why I’m saying this. I just want you to know I cared that you were gone.”
I can see it in his eyes. And I’d be lying if I said his concern doesn’t make me feel good.
“Hey Amanda, can you tell us why you feel the need to only date your brother’s teammates?” I hear a screeching voice next to me.
I look up and see a man with a phone mic just a few feet away from me.
“What?” I heard the question but I’m not understanding who he is to ask me some shit like this.
I choose not to respond and take a sip of my water using my loose curls to hide the side of my face that’s accessible to him.
“Nah, fuck that. Back the hell up. You don’t see us talking?” Paul gets visibly upset. He reaches behind me and gets up a bit to shove the guy away which makes his phone fly out of his hand.
“What the fuck?”
“What the fuck what? Get to steppin’ nigga.” He takes a seat again and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
He’s very protective, I know it’s probably one reason my brother has been cool with us spending time together the past few weeks.
I flick the guy off as he grabs his phone up off the ground.
“You alright? I’m sorry about that.”
“I’m straight.” This kind of just made the situation awkward and I’m deeply disturbed at this point. And I don’t have the best poker face, so I know he can see it.
“Hey? I don’t care about that shit. You know that right? Like I’m not judging you…”
I nod but my eyes begin to water prompting me to get up.
“I’m good, I just… give me a second.” I find the women’s room and step into the big stall where I have the space to pace.
I try to take a few deep breaths and I find it difficult to get myself together. Why do I feel the need to date my brother’s teammates? I must be some sort of pass around right? At least that’s what people are saying about me. Whatever pictures he took will be shared for the world to judge.
He’s got his moment, his phone was slapped out of his hand. I put Paul in a situation the same way I put Desmond in one. This was a bad idea.
Maybe we should just skip the concert, I’ll pay him whatever my ticket cost him. Or have Tommy pay him rather.
I step out of the bathroom to see Paul waiting against the wall for me to step out. Damn.
“Oh, hey… um, I’m really sorry. I just, I don’t think-“
“You want to go back home huh?” He takes my hands already knowing.
I confirm his speculation.
“It’s not you. We have to admit that this was going to be a thing. I don’t think all the drama is worth one night out if I’m being honest.”
“Amanda, I get what you’re saying but who the fuck cares what a nigga has to say? Everybody talks. You’re Amanda Basden, your brother is a big deal on one of the strongest teams in the league. Your dad was a beast. You were born into a life of unwanted attention and scrutiny. Don’t let this shit count you out. It’s your birthday. It’s a very important night. And tomorrow will be just as important, let’s just vibe. We don’t have to eat here but we aren’t going to let them assholes with no life, fuck up your night.” He lifts both my hands to place tiny kisses on the back of them both.
He swings our arms out and then in again playfully.
“What do you want to do? If you want to say fuck the concert, then fuck the concert. I don’t care, but I want you to have a good time today.” He anticipates my response.
But I can only give a simple answer.
“Honestly, I just want to watch a movie and maybe eat an ice cream sundae, but it’s kind of cold out so I’m not too sure about the ice cream right this second. I just want privacy and peace at the moment. I tend to get easily worked up as I’m sure you’ve seen before. I’m over it.”
“Movie and maybe ice cream it is then. How about we go get what we need to make our Sundaes and then go back to yours? Actually, I’m going to cook you dinner.” The words leave his mouth with such a captivating confidence.
When we get back to the house, my brother and Coz are upstairs with the baby watching a comedy special.
“Sorry, I just wanted to let him know we were here.”
“No problem, you gotta show me what I’m working with here. Pots, pans, spoons, ecetera?”
I take everything out for him and then he proceeds to wave me out of his way.
“Go rest your nerves baby girl.” He bobs his hand up and down as if to say “pump your breaks”. I snicker. “If you want though, you can grab a speaker and play some music.” He winks.
“As you wish sir.”
Tommy comes down with the baby in his arms.
I gasp. “He’s up!” I get excited going over to grab him.
“Yeah, hold him for me while I make him another bottle.” He starts doing his thing happily. He loves being an uncle.
“Look at you.” Paul teases.
“Yup, look at me. A whole uncle out here. Ya’ll don’t make me an uncle again please.” He drags dramatically into Denzel’s little ear before cracking a laugh.
“Oh my goodness, Tommy get the speaker from wherever you keep it please.” I skip past what he says.
Paul watches as I show my mini-me some affection.
“So you guys decided to skip the concert huh?”
“Yeah this dickhead was bothering me, I’m sure you’ll hear about it tomorrow.” I shrug not caring just as Paul suggested.
“Mhmm.” He rolls his eyes to support my agitation with the happening. “Hey noticed how he slept mostly through the night last night?” He seems excited.
I nod saying nothing to encourage the continuation of his statement.
“I accidentally put an extra half scoop in his bottle and didn’t want to waste it so I just said fuck it…”
Paul lets out a laugh. “That’s not how that works bro. I’m sure of it.”
He shushes him.
“He’s a growing boy. He’ll be fine. Changing his diaper was different though.” He shakes his head and allows his eyes to wander a bit outside of his skull.
He proceeds to make the bottle as he stated and then allows me to kiss Denzel goodnight before taking him back upstairs.
“So I think they are, like, cosplaying parents with my child. You should see the little outfits.” I point upward and smile.
“Oh yeah? So, you like being a mom?” He focuses on me despite cutting up an onion.
“Well, I don’t dislike it. I love my son obviously… I just think I realize how serious the situation really is now. This baby is getting bigger every single day, and eventually, he’s going to be able to walk, talk, and ask questions I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to answer. Like, how do I explain to him that he has a biological dad but not a father?” I suck my teeth and lean forward onto my elbows which lay against the counter.
“When that time comes you’ll know what to do Amanda. I don’t mean to pry or anything but, have you heard from Desmond at all?”
Nope. Not one word.
“Mhnm mhm.”
“You would consider us friends right?” The knife makes a spine tickling clank as he sets it down on the counter.
Is he about to say something I’d find beyond a boundary?
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’m honest with my friends… I can’t really talk because I’ve got a little bit of a thing for you too. Who doesn’t, to be honest? But uh, I could never go behind your brother’s back to do no shit like Desmond did. I don’t care how many times you pushed up on me, and you have put pressure on me before. I never bucked. He was dead wrong. That’s all I’m going to say about that though.” He raises his hands to let me know he’s done.
And I have no room to be combative due to the fact that I’m the one left holding the bag on this baby and he’s nowhere to be found, quite literally.
I move closer to him and find myself resting against his back as he picks the knife back up.
“Yeah. He might’ve been. But he taught me a lot too.” I truly want to maintain a positive outlook on this whole situation. “I know how to cook now. And keep a house.” I realize how traditional of a “wife” he definitely tried to make me. “But I also know that I’m smart as fuck. I can plan. I can make decisions on a fly to preserve myself, that’s what I did. Disappearing was my idea, and then I helped him do it. That’s the part I regret, because I’m afraid to be a single mom. A fucking stereotype for the white man to now poke and prod at. And then hand me nothing in return because I just get what I get and don’t get upset since I have no better option.”
He sighs.
“That’s not true.”
“Paul where? I’m about to get my GED because by default I dropped out of high school, I refuse to ride my brother’s coattail all my life”.
“No one said you had to do that though. You make your situation work for you. I didn’t want to be a basketball player you know? I still don’t. But I’m grateful for it, it’s paying me much more money than working in a doctor’s office would. Trying to work off thousands of dollars of student loans and shit would’ve had me stressed the hell out. I play a game for a living so I can’t complain. Okay, I can, I’m tired of moving around so damn much. I don’t like planes, and I hate long trips. I don’t care to sleep in a hotel bed either. You know how many bodies touch those mattresses and sheets? Don’t get me started on the fucking pillows.”
I find his ability to easily drift off on a tangent in my presence, oddly comforting. He has opinions on things and I can tell he is passionate about everything he’s saying. He thinks about shit that not many people do.
“Yeah, I actually told my brother that before. It’s kind of gross no?” I encourage him to speak further.
I can honestly say that this is one of the better birthdays I’ve had. A home cooked meal made by a fine ass man in my own house? And a man who has the same all-over-the-place taste in music as I do? At one point, we even danced together in the kitchen.
That’s all he would let me do, I never touched a single serving spoon or pan. He wouldn’t even let me do the dishes. It feels good to be cared for like this, I did all the caring when I was away, for myself and for Desmond.
And I hate that I’m comparing the two to one another when they are nothing alike.
Paul is soft, he’s sweet and he’s so funny. He’s a great listener who can also give sound advice but doesn’t require you to take it. It’s just a thought he puts out there for your consideration. And that’s how it should be. I wasn’t born to follow a man’s orders. And even though we’ve just started seriously hanging out, I can tell he’s not the type to demand I do.
I get up to pee and see that he’s still comfortably dozed off on the other side of this large sleeper sectional. He looks so tired. I know he’s grateful for this all-star break and the fact that he wants to spend it with me is very warming.
My phone dings which most likely means I’ve received an email from another individual. It’s going on 4 am, who the hell has a message to send me this early in the morning?
I reluctantly grab the hand-sized rectangular device and quickly turn the brightness down. I then proceed to tap on the gmail notification from a “Maurice Malcome”.
Happy Birthday Amanda. I miss you.
“Oh my God.” I gasp as quietly as I can.
It’s Desmond.
Engagement