At this point, I don’t even know what to do with this message. I’ve been waiting to hear or get some kind of sign from him and this is it. He did tell me he’d email me when things calmed down a bit, and I completely wrote the idea off.
Now, looking at these words from “Maurice” has me stuck. Maurice is his middle name and I think his mom’s maiden name was Malcome, so the alias he chose is a pretty decent one if you ask me. Vague enough to not raise any alarms but close enough to home for him to not feel like a phony.
Yet and still, I have no idea what to do. Communicating with him right now could shake shit up in the worst of ways. I’ve been okay these days. I will not throw myself into a life of chaos or upset for the second time, this is not an option. I have a routine, I have my friends back, my parents love me again, and even Micky has come back around. He’ll be here tonight and I’m actually really happy to see him.
He came to see me at my parents’ house when I got out of the hospital, and we talked through our gripes with one another. I got to meet his wife, Tessa, who he met at 28. The two of them tied the knot when he was 30, and they seem to be happy and very much in love. So tonight should be purely good vibes.
Things are really good, which makes me realize how bad they were when Desmond and I were together. I do miss him, and still love him. It’s the pain that came with loving him the first time that I don’twant.. I don’t want the distance either.
And I’ve been thinking that when and if I heard from him again, I would reach out to his wife and kids who I know for sure have to be hurting. Those little girls’ dad just dipped with no reason or warning. The whole situation just wasn’t fair to them. If he would find issue with me doing that, then he doesn’t deserve my respect and admiration. My goal wasn’t to break up a family that I was told had already been broken.
If he wanted to leave his wife, he really should’ve just done that. The lying, the cheating, the secrets are what got us into such a mess in the first place. I don’t want to continue on like that. Just as Tommy said, if I have to work that hard for it, it’s not mine to have. But I do love him. I want to hear his voice, I want to see him. And I want him to see his son for the first time. Despite how messy the situation was, he is still my family. Desmond was the only one there for me at a very pivotal point in my life and I will never discount that.
We are having a dinner party tonight, but my schedule is clear all day. I would hate to just sit in the house obsessing over this message and how guilty I feel for being the first person he reaches out to. I believe it’s time I go talk to her.
But as I turn into the driveway, this eerie feeling burrows itself deep within my bowels. My head gets heavy and I start to feel like I’m no longer at ease.
I’m compelled to crack my knuckles and ready myself for whatever could possibly happen while I wait for a response to my doorbell ring. I slept with this woman’s husband and maintained an unapologetic stance on it, at least that’s how she’ll see it. And now I’m at her door unannounced to discuss what exactly?
“Water?” She offers in a manner so dry, she might need a sip herself to soothe the throat.
I shake my head no, taking a seat at the breakfast bar while she grabs a glass bottle out of the fridge.
“I really just came here to let you know that Desmond reached out to me. It didn’t feel right for me to know and you to not. I haven’t responded to him yet so I don’t know where he is, but when I do find out would you want to know?”
She laughs. “Would I? And I love the fact that you said it didn’t feel right for you to be the only one he talks to now, but the same sentiments didn’t apply initially when you were fucking him in my house? Yeah, I remember him telling me that you were going to be looking after the kids one of them nights.”
I mean, I’m probably not the only one he was fucking in this house while she was away. But I’m most likely the only one she’s met, so I’ll let her have it.
“And I apologize for that. Listen, I get you may be upset and feel some type of way but I was told the marriage was done. So your issue should really be with him regarding that. I’m not here to go back and forth, I simply wanted to make you aware of the fact that we’ve made contact since he’s been gone. Do with that information what you will. I’m sure your girls would love to hear from him. I can let him know that he should reach out to you, but only if I can trust that you won’t do anything to hurt him. You know where to find me.” I get up and accept the fact that despite how brief this visit may have been, I did my part.
“Wow.” She snickers as she pours the water from her bottle into a drinking glass.
Really? She poured the water from a filter into tiny glass bottles, just to pour the water into another glass. I see why he couldn’t stand her. Just extra as fuck for no reason. I mean, I don’t exactly have an excuse to not like the lady, but damn, she is doing way too much.
“So you think you got some sort of exclusive right to him I see? He’s in Vietnam, we actually just got back two days ago. Jet lag is a bitch.” She scoffs.
What the fuck did she just say?
“Excuse me?” I fold my arms and squint.
“Oh, you didn’t know? I knew what you guys had planned. I knew all about the leaving if he got caught, which, I told him he would have to when he told me that he got you pregnant. How is my stepson by the way? Maybe I can take him with us when we move there officially. You know, shared custody and all?”
I feel sick.
“That bitch knew Tommy! She knew! She’s moving herself and the kids over there to be with him. This is what she wanted. She wanted him away from a life where she had no control over what he was doing and then he fucked around with me and put himself in this position. She’s eating it up. They’re all of a sudden working on their fake ass marriage?! She wants to take my son, he told her that he didn’t know why he got me pregnant, he just did that shit. He did this to me on purpose so I would have to hide, and would have to keep quiet about the shit because he didn’t want me to go crazy and snitch him out. He knew he would get sent to jail!” I let him have it despite none of this being his fault.
Cosima twists to show that she’s unsure of what to do. She moves toward me as if she will console me but decides to stay put.
“If his guilt didn’t eat away at him, he would’ve just let me, and the son he fucking begged me for, just sit here not knowing shit. And then she tried to throw the fact that she sees I’m walking around with Paul in there to prove that “I’m better off without him” or to signify that I’ve “moved on”. And the fucked up part about this whole thing is that I knew he’d pull some shit like this. I thought he would just leave and find another bitch to cupcake with. But no, it’s worse than I fucking imagined! He lied to me behind the bitch he said he didn’t love!” The rage burning inside of me is one I’ve never known. My heart is beating so fast I think I may actually end up in the emergency room.
My hands are shaking and my vocal cords partially collapse.
“I hate him! I will never forgive him. Bec-“ I can’t finish my sentence before I shut down entirely.
The screams I’m hearing erupt from the pit of my stomach are unnatural. My brother might be feeling as if the emotions I currently exhibit are unnecessary, but I’m hurt. I’m angry. I am bitter. And I have a right to be.
“See Cosima? This is what the hell I was talking about. Look at her. I’ve seen my sister a hot mess many times but I’ve never seen the shit I’m looking at right now. He played with her fucking head, kept her cooped up in some condo away from everyone who truly loved her, doing all types of sick ass shit to her that got her twisted! She came back here talking about “love”. He does not love Amanda. He never did. But I couldn’t tell her shit because he severed whatever bond we had while she was with him.” He moves his finger back and forth between him and myself.
“I know. Tommy, we ju-“ she’s lost for words. “I can’t feed into that right now. I have to get her to calm down before all these people come over here for a party we may not even be able to have. And Denzel has been irritable as hell today. You take care of that. Let me get her together.” She waves him off.
She moves in front of me and squats to get eye-level with me.
“He didn’t fucking trust me Coz! He didn’t think I would wait for him or that I’d be down to run off to be with him so he didn’t even give me the chance-“
“The chance to what?” She cuts me off. “Cause we aren’t going to just let you run off to be with him darling. That’s no life for you and you know that. Isolation broke you Amanda. The aftermath of that whole situation with him, is still breaking you. You thought you could trust him and he lied, he played you and has been since the beginning. And as harsh as it sounds, is what it is. You knew this was a possibility right? You are very smart, you knew this would fall through in some fashion or form. Let it go. You have other shit to worry about right now, why do you care?” She shrugs seriously, seeking an honest answer.
I try to think of one. The fact that I’m so upset behind this, and can’t exactly say anything more about why, is very telling.
“Your birthday was yesterday and you had a great time with a guy we both know you really like, and tonight a dinner party. And according to your brother, you’ve had your eye on this kid a while, and he fancies you. Paul has liked you for a long time too. You know that, that’s something to be excited about. Even if we don’t want to make this about a guy, you’re home with a family who loves you. A family that wants to make sure you and Denzel are safe and taken care of. You’ve got everything you could want, you can order some food when you don’t feel like cooking, which you really don’t have to cook. You can also go out for a walk with your baby. Or, to the mall to go shopping. You can have your friends over, and all types of shit. You have freedom to do whatever you want.”
She’s absolutely correct in everything she’s saying.
“Fuck Desmond, he crawled back to his stupid ass wife who has nothing better going for herself. She took him back because despite the predicament he’s in, he’s her ride to a cozy little life. You have every opportunity to make shit shine however you want it to.” She lifts my face up and has me look around to reevaluate my situation.
And again, she’s right, I’m not on the run, he is. I’m too bright to get caught up in his whirlpool again. He sucked me in once before and I was able to pull myself back out. He knew it wouldn’t be a thing again, despite how much I said it would, while we were planning.
The plan was for me to go and be with him wherever he was when he finally let me know. He knew I’d be 18 by then and would be able to make whatever decision I wanted. He probably felt his chances were better back with her. I’ve learned from the best that being mad over something you can no longer control, is wasted energy.
Desmond is wasted energy.
And though I gave our son his name and put him on the birth certificate, by no choice of my own, it will be Denzel’s decision whether or not he wants a relationship with Desmond. I won’t be flying back and forth out of the country because of the fact that he’ll be arrested for fucking an under-aged girl. “I love you” my ass.
Engagement