I unlock the apartment door and lug in the food I just picked up on the way over.
“Is that my lady?” Paul comes out of the room and practically jumps on me in the kitchen as I set the bags down.
Still partially out of breath from coming up the stairs, I silently pant and attempt to catch some air without embarrassing myself in front of him.
“Where’s little man?” He asks while wearing a tangled expression.
“With my brother and Cozie. Speaking of whom, why did you talk to him?” I scratch my nose as I turn to ask.
He frowns up his face as if to tell me I’m tripping.
“I have to ask your permission to speak to Tommy? Since when?”
This attitude on him, I don’t like it very much.
“Since we decided we would talk to him about the “living together” situation. Why would you go and say something to him without me?” I’m irritated and I know he can see it. I feel disrespected.
He sighs.
“Because I didn’t want to just spring that shit on him Amanda. I didn’t want him to think I made you make that decision. When I spoke to him, all I said was that since it’s been 6 months of us being together, we have been discussing the idea of moving in together. I wanted to see if he’d even be okay with that, you know, as your big brother and the one looking over you? I felt like I was doing a good thing.”
He reaches into the bag and I block him with my hand.
“Did we make a decision though?”
“I mean, we discussed it. We said we would talk to him. Amanda, why are we doing this right now baby? Come on, I just want to love on you tonight. Tomorrow I don’t have training, or anything. I want us to have a great weekend.” He moves closer to kiss me and for some reason, I’m just too mad that he went to talk to Tommy without me.
I start crying.
“Really?” He sighs and drops his shoulders. “What’s the problem?” He asks in a sing-song manner. “You’ve been so hormonal, or some shit, lately.”
Hormonal? He can’t be serious.
“Wow. You’re ridiculous Paul.”
The keys fall to the ground as a result of my hand brushing against them as I stepped away from him. “I can’t help that I’m fucking PMSing or whatever.”
He shrugs with a slight roll of his eyes.
“Or whatever? You know, it’s been a minute since you had Denzel, he’s what? Like 10 months old? We been at it just about every other day, at least, for a while now… you think you could be pregnant or something? I don’t know. You’ve been tweaking the hell out lately and you’re always talking about how your breasts hurt. You also take a lot of naps.”
We just stare at each other silently.
“I kind of felt like this conversation was coming. So I took it upon myself to get you the… it’s in the bathroom under the sink.” He speaks awkwardly.
Here’s the thing, I told him he had to use condoms if he couldn’t pull out. He told me he’d never have a problem doing that. So how the fuck could I have gotten pregnant?
“I thought you said you could pull out?”
“I have been pulling out, but shit happens. You knew that though. I asked you if you were on birth control and you said no, you were good. I just assumed you knew the risk.”
“Did you know the risk?” I wonder.
“Of course. Have I cared, not too much? I want kids, we had this conversation. We’re literally talking about living together. I mean, ain’t too much to do after that but get married and have kids right? Shit just may be a little out of order.”
Is he being serious right now? He set me up and I trusted him. I trusted that he wouldn’t try to trap me the way Desmond did.
“No. Fuck that. I’m not just going to be a baller baby mama. I refuse. You can sit here and enjoy your dinner while I think about what the hell is going on with me, because I can’t be pregnant. I’m not.”
I grab my keys up off the floor and attempt to walk out of the kitchen when he wraps an arm around me.
“Please stop. Please… on some grown folk shit, for real Amanda. What are you going to go do? Huh? It’s me and you. This our business. Let’s figure it out together. You can’t just run off every time we get into it. This is why we talk. Come on baby.”
If I’m pregnant right now, this will ruin a lot of stuff. Everything is going so well. I got my GED, I’ve been looking at schools and everything. Given I missed out on a lot when it came to my pregnancy with Denzel, I appreciated the way my delivery room nurses made me feel like I was still in the game when it came to having him.
They were so supportive and offered me much comfort, they educated me a lot. I want to be that for another woman going through the same thing I did, just feeling helpless and lost while bringing a life into the world.
I’m looking at getting my BSN to become a delivery room nurse myself. How the hell will I get through school now with two kids under two?
“I don’t understand how it is you can be this fucking sure about me Paul? A baby? I thought maybe you were just scratching some type of itch with Denzel being around you, I didn’t think you actually were considering having a kid with me? What is it about me that has you stuck like this? I’m really not getting it, and truthfully, I thought you were just talking shit about us moving in together. That’s why I’m mad you talked to him. You made it a thing now, and I’m not too sure about it.”
He looks hurt by my revelation.
“So what? You don’t want to be with me for real? Is that what this conversation comes down to?”
I shake my head no.
“It’s not that. I do like you, a lot. It just feels like I’m being played. Like, why the fuck do you want me? I’ve always been trouble, now I’m the mother of another man’s child because I recklessly got pregnant at 17…”
“So the fuck what? Stop using that as an excuse for why I, or anyone else, shouldn’t love you! We keep having this same conversation Amanda and shit hasn’t stopped. You know how I feel about you so why do you do that? Why do you hurt me like this? Stop belittling our situation. I’m good to you, I’m not fucking around on you and I treat Denzel like he’s my own. We are comfortable with what we have going on. We are having all these serious conversations that I’m thinking you and I are both in on, and now you’re telling me that you’re not? Which one is it?”
“You don’t love me!” I call his bullshit. I’m a thing to be had to him, just like I was to Desmond.
They lie. That’s what the fuck they do. He doesn’t love me. He hunted me, and he got me. And I let my guard down and now he’s trying to fucking trap me.
“You don’t love me Paul so stop saying that shit to me. All y’all do is fucking lie and I’m not going for that shit again. I’m not doing it. I can’t let you hold me hostage in this place.” I push him away from me and leave without giving him the chance to say anything further.
When I get home, I go straight up to my room and get in the bed. I don’t want to think about the possibility of what could be right now. I just want to sleep, to be left the hell alone. He’s a liar, just like Desmond. All of them are the fucking same.
That jackass was feeding me all types of bullshit about how he didn’t love his wife anymore. About the way she irked his nerves and made him hate being there. But the whole time she knew.
I give myself time to cry, and think of a million responses I could send back to one of Desmond’s 22 emails. He’s been trying to feed me lies ever since I never responded to his birthday message. That was back in February.
It’s now August 14th, making tomorrow is Paul’s birthday.
What the hell am I doing?
I can’t do him like this, not right now. I’m not that fucked up of a person am I? To get mad and leave him alone knowing we have plans. But I am mad.
Shit. I have to call him back.
He picks up on the first ring.
“Amanda… what the hell is happening right now?”
“I don’t know… I’m sorry. I’ll come back. I just-“ I try to take a deep breath.
At this point, I have to tell him.
“Desmond lied to me Paul. I never told you but he lied. His wife knew that he was sleeping with me the whole time. She told him to keep the situation quiet by any means, and while leaving was initially my idea, I did want to come back.”
“I’m listening to you Amanda. He tells me as I hear subtle sounds of much movement coming from his end.
“We had been fighting so much about every little thing and at one point, in June, he left me there for three weeks with barely anything to eat. He was upset because I said that I wanted to come back home and he just fucking left me there. I wanted to come back but I didn’t want to get him in trouble, which I figured would happen if I just ran out and asked a stranger for help or to use their phone. So I told him that he could just drop me off around the corner or something and I’d never speak on it. I was willing to give him a clean break for the sake of my sanity and he said no.”
There’s an undeniable pain in the center of my chest as I speak.
“Paul, he said he loved me and that we wouldn’t be able to be together if I did that, so it was a no. He lied to keep me where he wanted me and I haven’t gotten over it. I don’t know.” I can hear him cut off the car and a few moments later the door can be heard being slammed shut.
“Come open the door right quick.” He says hanging up the phone.
He followed me here?
I get up and hear the front door being opened by my brother.
“Oh good to see you, here. He’s all yours for the rest of the night. I came down here to make him another bottle but you got it. I’m going to bed, tell my sister goodnight for me.” I watch as Thomas hands a very active Denzel over to Paul before he can even get in the house good enough.
He didn’t see me come in so he must not know that I got home a bit ago.
“Damn, alright.”
“Da!” Denzel thinks Paul is his dad. Neither one of us have had the heart to even try and correct him, which has left a void rimmed with silent uncertainty between us.
He’s been here. He’s changed diapers, fixed bottles, stopped Denzel’s busy ass from grabbing at stuff that could be a danger and has been the only person that could get him to sleep on plenty of nights. The two of them have bonded in a way I feel I should’ve monitored better, now that I’m having my own doubts about our relationship.
Denzel wraps his tiny arms around Paul’s neck and makes a bunch of noises fueled purely by his random spurts of energy.
“What’s going on Zeze? Why you still up little man?”
Paul pats and rubs his back a few times as he kisses Denzel’s little cheek.
“Hmm?” My baby is so smart, he replies with “hmm” anytime that anything he may not comprehend, is said to him.
Paul lets out a deep breath as he closes the door behind himself. I can tell he’s seriously bothered by the discord between us.
I wait for him to come upstairs and when he does, he puts Denzel in his crib and hands him the bottle.
“Listen, take your lil’ ass to sleep tonight.” He pats his belly gently smiling down at him, he stares a moment before focusing on me.
I make space for Paul to climb into bed with me after he gets undressed, and he rests his long arm across my hip. His hand drapes just over my behind.
“Why do you keep comparing me to that nigga? I’m nothing like him. And this situation is nothing like what he made you believe that you had with him, Amanda. Has anything these past several months made you believe I don’t love you? Or like I don’t see you both as my family? I’m with you when I’m not working or on the road, and let’s just speak facts, you know how many of them “conversations” I sat through with your brother just to be able to say I like you. Look how far from that we’ve gotten.”
He widens his eyes as if amazed.
“I’m not surprised by the fact that we may have a kid on the way because we’ve been doing grown-up shit. To be honest, we’ve pretty much been doing our own thing since the summer started. Either I’m sleeping over here or you’re over there with me. Is moving in together really that much of a problem for you compared to what we’ve already been doing? No one is chaining you up or denying you the freedom to come and go as you please. I would just like an idea of where you are for safety reasons but I’m not trying to hold you hostage.”
He pulls my body closer to his to cuddle me. A sigh escapes my mouth and I twist my neck unsure of what to say.
“I do love you Amanda. I may not be able to tell you exactly why right this second but I do. I’ve always cared for you. And you know that. So does your family. You think your brother would be this comfortable with me laying up in his house, and going through his cabinets to make baby bottles this late at night, if he didn’t think I was here for the right reasons? I’m sorry that your experience was what it was with him, but you have to let that shit with Desmond go.”
Sitting up, I reach for my phone and go to my email to pull up everything Desmond has sent me. I scroll through the multitude of messages realizing I have yet to delete them because I’ve been waiting for the “right time” to reply. Or the “right thing” to say. Maybe there’s nothing to say at all.
My mind has been fucked with in ways so severe, I often feel as though there’s no one to blame but myself for the things that happened. But I can’t still be suffering from the those things when the person who caused the suffering is long gone.
A part of me has been hoping what Maria told me was a lie just to get me upset. That’s what he’s been saying in these emails. But even if that was the case, how does that explain the fact that she still knew where he was before I did? She told me they were moving and it makes sense, given it’s been leaked that the girls were withdrawn from their school following a series of lengthy unexplained absences.
I’m pretty sure it’s because they’ve been coming and going out of the country to visit him.
“A huge part of me feels like when you say that, it’s just something you say to make me feel as though I owe you something. Like maybe I owe you this, my time and attention.”
I try to speak as carefully as I can because I don’t want to hurt him.
“Even though I know that’s not your intention, and it may not be true, I just don’t know enough about real love to feel so sure of this. And you can’t hold that against me. We’re young. You’re a professional athlete, this world we live in is fast as fuck, things change so much. Opinions, feelings, fetishes, desires, all of that.”
He could want me today, and be chasing after someone else tomorrow. What are Denzel and I supposed to do then?
“How am I supposed to just know that I’m not a feeling or fetish that will change with the next coming season like any other girl you’ve been with? To bring a baby into this, right now, just feels like a risk we should’ve been smart enough not to take. What if we fuck this up?”
He laughs a little and then takes my hand. He interlocks our fingers.
“I won’t fuck this up. It means too much for me to lose.” He stares into my eyes as he speaks. “Stop with the scary thoughts now… I just want to be here, chilling with you baby, plus it’s my birthday. No sad talk.” He wraps himself around me and despite the fact that I’d like to challenge this further, I just feel too comfortable.
“Can I tell you something crazy then?” I smile to show I respect his wishes.
He raises an eyebrow suspiciously. “What’s that?”
“I kind of want to cut my hair. Like all of it. Just off. Would I be ugly if I did?”
He gasps.
“Like how I cut mine? You just want to buzz it all off?”
“It sounds bad, I know. I just feel like doing it. I just want it all gone, at least for now. Maybe I’m going crazy.”
He rubs the top of my head.
“I don’t think so. It could be cute, you could get a little design or something on the side. I’d still fuck you with a bald head.” He laughs.
“Wow.” I playfully pat his arm.
“I’m serious. I think that shit takes a lot of confidence, for a woman to just wake up and cut her hair like that. And then move around unphased, is powerful. My mom had to shave hers down when she was going through chemo. She’d just throw her hoops on and sometimes she’d wear this scarf thing and bun it up. It was cute.” He nods thinking on it.
His mom is the sweetest.
“Let me do it.” His accent is heavy on this statement.
I let out a loud cackle and start to turn over.
“What the hell? You don’t know anything about cutting hair.”
“It can be that hard. Go get Tommy’s clippers, I know he has some. He fucked up his hair line with whatever he tried to fix up when we where on our last road trip.” He puts a fist to his mouth laughing at his insult of my brother’s prior misfortune.
“Yeah, I seen that. He’s cheap as hell. I’ve been telling you that. He takes forever to get a haircut and then suddenly wants to look decent when he can’t get to his own barber. He’s always doing that.”
I sit with my knee to my chest on the back of the toilet seat, biting at my hangnail while he watches a YouTube video on how to buzz a woman’s head.
“Really Parker?”
“Hell yeah. I’m not trying to put patches in your head boo.” He laughs. “We about to be twinning.” He’s so excited, it’s cute.
“You think so? Let’s just hope we aren’t having twins.” I pick up the positive pregnancy test in partial disbelief.
I can’t believe I have to go through this shit again. Getting Denzel out was so much work. I was in so much pain. I couldn’t get the epidural because I was too dilated. My body felt like it was just set ablaze before I was thrown off the back of a pickup truck.
“Yeah, two under two is going to be an adjustment. I can’t really imagine three. I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited to be having a kid of my own. But seeing the test just made the shit a lot more real.”
“You having some regrets now huh?” I laugh looking up as he plugs the clippers in.
He shakes his head and frowns up his face.
“Never that. Babies are blessings from God.” He lifts my chin to kiss me. “Our baby is going to be beautiful. You ready?” He pats the top of my head happily.
I sigh and touch my forehead to his exposed stomach.
“Speak now or forever stay quiet, or some shit like that.”
I snicker and kiss his belly button.
“It’s hold your peace. And yeah. Fuck it.” I wave to show him he has my permission to start cutting away at my thick tresses.
“I think you’ll like it. You can get scalp massages and everything now. When I cut my hair it felt so good being able to rub the conditioner into my scalp. Alright my love, let’s set you free”.
As he starts snipping away with the shears, free is exactly what I feel. My shoulders feel a bit lighter and my head feels cooler. My thoughts roam away from me, leaving me feeling unbothered.
His leg buckles a bit and he almost pokes me in the face with the sharp blades.
“Hey.” I jerk back.
“What the fu-“ he looks down and Denzel is pulling himself up by his grip on Paul’s cotton shorts. “Did he just walk over here?” He looks amazed yet disturbed at the same time.
“Your busy ass walking now boy?” I reach for him and pull him onto my lap. I kiss all over his face. “You just think you not going to bed huh?” I stare into his light eyes and for once I’m not seeing his dad. I don’t think he’ll ever know him. Or need to.
He slides off of my lap and turns himself around to latch back onto Paul’s leg. He loves him some “Papa Paul” as Tommy teases him.
“I’m doing something right now Ze.” Paul gently rubs his little head before proceeding to grab the clippers.
Denzel starts to aggressively bounce and cry. He throws tantrums now and I just find them to be so dramatic, it’s amazing. He falls to the ground and rests his head back against the cabinet.
“What?” Paul whines. “Just give me 15 minutes.” He stops and picks him up to sit him on the sink within reach. “Here, play with the bear.” He grabs Denzel’s bathtime bear, which is pretty much a baby sized cloth sponge to wash him with while he plays.
“Bes.” He tries to repeat. We both just admire him.
“Close, but it’s bea-r papa. Bear.” Paul holds his grin while trying to correct him.
“Beah”
“I’ll take it.” He laughs rubbing at his cheek quickly. “Play with Beah.”
“Yeah he’s yours.” I joke and nod. Paul is his father right now. He’s all Denzel knows.
“I know right. Zeze you are about to be a big brother you hear that?”
I get out of the shower and walk into the room to find Paul out cold next to Denzel who rests underneath his arm. He stares at the TV while finishing his bottle.
I slip my night dress on and a fresh pair of panties before moisturizing quickly to get in bed. I grab my phone to scroll mindlessly a minute before I shut everything off to go to bed. I’ve deleted the emails and blocked Desmond from being able to reach out to me again.
Him and Maria can have a nice fucking life, I’ve got a family of my own to be concerned about.
Denzel crawls over me which causes me to get up and I turn over to see that Paul has gotten up. I can hear his voice downstairs intermingling with Tommy’s. Every time Paul stays the night, he and Tommy make the best breakfast buddies. It’s insane, they take turns cooking, gossip about who’s done what so far this summer on the team, and complain about the news.
It’s almost like they were born to be brothers. Tommy and Mickie are pretty distant in age and their relationship was a simple one. They’re brothers but their lives and experiences were and still are, so separate from each other unlike mine and Tommy’s.
This bond he started to build with Paul, has certainly been filling that distance. Good news for him, is that it doesn’t look like Paul is going anywhere, anytime soon.
I brush my teeth before grabbing Denzel and carrying him downstairs with me.
We get into the kitchen and I put him down to let him roam a bit.
“Good morning.” I look up to see my brother covering his mouth.
He hollers and starts speaking in a high pitched tone.
“Oh my goodness. Amanda? What did you do?” He squeals and comes over to my head rubbing on it.
“Stop it. I love her little peanut head.” Paul winks at me. I blow him a kiss and Tommy cackles falling out. He literally falls to the ground in a fit of laughter.
“You went to bed with hair and you woke up bald?” He can’t get over it, it’s honestly kind of funny.
“Shut up.” I shake my head and walk over to Paul who wraps his arms around me. He kisses the top of my head and then all over my face.
“Good morning baby.” He kisses my neck and holds onto me for a while. I wrap my arms around him and accept all of his embrace.
Honestly, I love this man. I feel like he may be my person.
He rests a hand on my stomach and I look up at him.
“I looked in the mirror a little bit just now and I think I actually may be really far along. It doesn’t really look like it, but it feels like it. I need to call and make an appointment.”
“What are you doing?” I hear Coz come into the kitchen. “What is your uncle doing down there Zeze?” She picks him up and gives him a little kiss on the cheek. He has such fat cheeks it’s hard not to want to smother your own face in them.
She catches sight of me and gasps.
“Amanda? New look I see?” She taps her hand to her chest and I’m not sure as to whether or not she likes it or doesn’t. “I like it. A lot actually. It makes you look like you don’t play that shit. Get you some hoops girl and it’s a wrap.”
“Thank you!” Paul tries to prove Tommy finding it funny incorrect. “My lady looks amazing with the buzz down.”
“I don’t dislike it, I was just caught off guard.” Tommy gets up and walks over to Coz to kiss her. “Morning beautiful.”
“Morning. I thought you were making Paul breakfast for his birthday?” She asks but I know it’s because she’s hungry herself. She’s a slick one.
“Happy birthday boo!” I turn around squealing.
“Thank you.”
“Happy birthday Paul.” Coz comes over to hug him.
“There’s been a change of plans… We are actually about to get on the road in a bit. We’ll stop for something on the way to our destination. You two just go pack an overnight bag. And make sure the baby has everything he needs to be comfortable. You may also want to pack some shoes for walking.”
Paul eagerly rubs his hands together, nodding as Tommy administers instructions to both Cosima and I.
“Where are we going?” I look at him quizzically.
“It’s a surprise… like your haircut.” He cackles again and neither of us can help the laughs that escape our mouths.
I flick my childish brother off, knowing I’ve got a better joke for him.
“Well wherever it is, make sure it’s safe for expectant mothers… surprise.” I wave my hands playfully before making my way back upstairs.
Cosima can be heard laughing.
“I told you! You owe me that trip to New Zealand now baby. I knew she was pregnant, the way she downed those pickled jalapeños the other night when you made the nachos was completely mental. And the fact that they now want to live together. They are becoming their own little family.” I can hear her schooling him.
“One thing. I told you to not do one thing P. Unbelievable. Ya’ll asses are getting married, I don’t care if I have to walk ya’ll down the aisle with a shotgun.” He speaks with such a fatherly voice.
“Oh, a shotgun wedding… surprise!” Coz keeps the joke going.
I snicker knowing Thomas is going to have no choice but to be okay with it. As Cosima said, we are becoming our own little family. Better yet, we already are.
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