Can you come to dinner tonight? We miss you.
“We’re not going.” I shrug.
“And why is that? You think you’re going to be able to avoid speaking to Tommy forever?” Paul is suddenly in the mood to be the voice of reason it seems.
I roam the kitchen unphased by any word coming from his mouth. There was certainly a box of Little Bites Brownies that I hid from the kids in this pantry.
“Amanda?”
“Paul. Leave me alone about Thomas and Cosima. I have nothing to say to either of them. My brother stopped speaking to me. This is all on him and now he doesn’t just get to decide he’s bored enough to play with me again. I’m not a toy.”
Paul laughs, shaking his head.
“Well I want to go. I was invited too and I want to see Cosima, and the new dog. Like it or not, that’s our family and we can’t just ignore them. What are you going to do when we get married? Not invite them to the wedding?”
Ignoring him feels better than responding it seems. He watches me with his arms crossed. “Be petty and have your little attitude, but we are going.”
Who the hell does he think he is? I’m really tired of being told what to do, not just by him. My parents have their input on the situation as well, and they are making it seem like I’m the one causing the problem. Truthfully, I just can’t get over the fact that my brother made my situation with Desmond about himself when a lot went into that decision. And he will never understand.
Thomas opens the front door shirtless, with a beer in hand.
“Wow, very “lonely white male” of you brother.” I can’t help but take the cheap shot. He looks a mess. Beard and all. I haven’t seen him in a while, not at the games or on TV. I’ve been avoiding him and everything having to do with basketball the past couple of months.
He sucks his teeth and waves me off.
“What are you doing here?” He snipes. “Cosima, why the hell is she here? Didn’t the girl say she ain’t want to see me, talk to me, none of that shit. What the hell she in my house for?”
Oh he’s started up I see, this should be fun. I’ve still got a little fight left in me.
“Please don’t start with this shit you two. Please. I want a peaceful family dinner. Please babe?” She begs Thomas who stares me down as if I’m the most despicable thing he’s ever seen.
Paul pulls me aside to give me the same kind of pep talk.
“Why must you agitate the man? Huh? How old are you? Baby, you need to be the bigger person. Please just go talk to him in the den. Just the two of you, me and Coz will stay up here and cook dinner. You need to fix this shit. Or there will be no wedding. I’m serious.” He threatens with a stern expression.
“Whatever.” I catch an attitude, rolling my eyes. I huff and puff as I follow my big brother down into the den where we are both seemingly caught off guard by an unknown presence.
A brunette, middle aged, raspy voice that’s oddly sort of soothing.
“You must be Amanda? Hi, my name is Diani, I’m here to see if we can find some sort of middle ground between you and your brother. Whatever conflict you two are experiencing right now is not bigger than the bond I’ve been told you have, I’m sure of it. Let’s just have a conversation, please?” She begs in such a sweet way, it’s going to be tough to say no.
Thomas looks at me with apprehension buried in his eyes. Neither of us know where this conversation is going to go, but I’ve got a bad feeling.
We have a seat on the two seater sofa while she sits adjacent to us in the recliner that remains upright.
“Let’s start with how you two are both feeling at the moment. How was your day?”
“I was feeling rather fine.” He starts.
“Now you aren’t?” She questions.
He shrugs and shakes his head. “I’m still fine.”
“And I’m pregnant. So you can probably assume I’m going through it.” I snicker trying to be the “bigger person” and lighten the mood.
She smiles.
“You are, and you look beautiful. Boy or girl?”
“Girl, she’ll be coming rather soon actually. I was in the hospital last night.”
“What? Are you okay?” My brother snaps his neck toward me, a just like that, his anger melts away.
I nod.
“I’m good, just felt the contractions start. It’s nothing to be concerned about thought per the doctor. She’ll be coming on her original due date, or closer to it rather.”
Dr. Diani nods showing gratitude for my wellbeing.
“I’m happy to hear that you and baby are okay. You’ve got to take things lightly these next few weeks though. And I can assure you, as big of a support system as you can get, will certainly help you in the long run when it comes to raising a child. It takes a village as they say. And it looks like your brother is a vital part of that village. Did you see the shift in his expression when you mentioned the hospital?”
I have no doubt my brother loves and cares for me. None at all.
“Dr., that’s not my issue with him. I know he cares. He just can’t seem to move past the fact that I made the decision to leave and he expects another apology for it. I don’t owe him anything.”
Thomas kisses his teeth and I can feel his rage rebuilding.
“Let’s take a moment for a second. Let’s explore those feelings. You feel as though he expects an apology for your choice to leave. Thomas do you feel as though you need an apology from Amanda?”
He doesn’t respond. I watch him, anticipating his answer.
“I don’t know. She apologized, I don’t know what I need. I just don’t understand it. To me, things weren’t bad enough for her to leave and put up with the abuse. She chose Desmond. And I have a strong feeling she’ll do it again if given the chance and he wasn’t good to her. I was though.”
Dr. D, as I’ll refer to her, studies my brother in his entirety.
“How do you know she was abused by him? Amanda, did you tell him this?”
“It’s not like that though. He thinks it was just me being battered the whole time, it wasn’t. Desmond loved me. He still does. And stupidly enough, I probably would go back to him. I can own that. He’s the first man I’ve ever truly loved. That doesn’t just go away. We had something. It was a lot, but it was my life for a while. I had hope for that. It wasn’t all bad.”
I’m getting worked up and starting to sweat in the most unnatural of ways.
“Thomas wants to hear that it was but it wasn’t. Desmond was my provider, like I said, we fought, but it wasn’t an everyday thing. He’s not a violent man, he’s never been that. How is me putting up with a knock upside the head every now and again, any different from the abuse I’ve suffered all my life? Men have been putting their hands on me my entire life…” I shrug sitting in silence following what I’ve just said.
It’s never really dawned on me that I’ve been dealing with violence in the home for a very long time. I can feel Thomas looking at me and his energy softens. I look toward him to find his eyes full of tears.
“Amanda? When you say putting hands on you… Who did?”
“My dad, our older brother, yeah…” my brother nods. “She was getting slapped around and beat on from young. I may have caught a lick or two from my dad a few times, but never as bad as Amanda. And I never really said anything.” I can hear his heart break through his voice. “How were you supposed to know any better when you were never told how wrong that was. I’m sorry little sister.” He scoots closer to me to pull me into his arms.
This whole situation is kind of odd given he’s still sitting here shirtless. Coz must’ve snuck this doctor in here when my brother wasn’t paying attention, because this isn’t like him to just be half-naked in front of company.
“I’m so sorry.” He holds me tightly, resting his hand on the back of my neck.
I appreciate Dr. D for letting us have this moment. It helps, hearing how sorry he is for just allowing me to be treated the way I had been treated for years. I always felt that as a big brother, there was something more he could’ve done.
But for a while, I really believed that I deserved it, because he never did anything. My mom never did anything. No one ever did anything. But then again, it wasn’t always like that. There were a lot of good times from what my brain will allow me to remember.
“Well, the goal was to get the two of you to communicate and I feel like we’ve succeeded in that regard. Now, what I think would be beneficial for you both, is to lay out what it is you need from one another. How can we prevent another blow up like this? Because this moment was very raw, it was very real. This honesty is what you both thrive off of in your siblingship, I can sense that. I want this to become the norm.” She preaches.
Tommy and I separate a bit and just stare at one another.
“Honesty is what I feel I need Amanda. You used to tell me everything, I knew about it all. Even the not so good things, and then something just changed. And it was right around the time you started dealing with Desmond. I never want you to feel like you have to keep things from me because being your guiding compass is the highlight of my life. You are so important to me and feeling locked out all of a sudden, really hurt me.”
He takes my hand.
“You don’t have to tell me every little thing about your relationship with Paul or anything like that. But I want to be here. I don’t want to miss another pregnancy and birth. I’m here for you, and your babies, always.”
I nod allowing him another embrace. I truly miss him, and he’s right. Hiding things have only made life a lot more complicated and has left me feeling alone in this journey to a healed heart. I’m hurting right now, and I need him.
“Dr. I appreciate you being here to facilitate this conversation. Tomas and I definitely needed the help. But if it’s not an issue, there is something that I would like to share with him. Like, just him?”
She leaves us the room without hesitation and the air gets thick.
“What’s up, talk to me.” My brother encourages me.
This is going to be hard for him to hear, and I know he’s going to give me a mouthful. But I need him to at least tell me no, for my own good.
“Thomas, at first, I truly couldn’t remember that night. My 17th birthday. I couldn’t tell you any bit of conversation between Desmond and myself. But the night he came back, I saw it all. Every moment of that whole… happening, to put it cleanly.” My heart starts beating a bit faster. It’s a terrifying feeling to be stuck in a moment you can’t take back. The moment that changed your entire life.
I rub my forehead a few times with my elbow resting on my knee.
“I can’t sleep or eat, can’t fucking function. And I don’t know what to do to make it go away. I might’ve initiated the shit, but I was scared and now look at all that’s happened… This sounds awful, but despite how much I love Denzel, I wish Desmond never happened. Because he’s all I can think about, I’m not okay. And I can’t really explain it, but I feel like he’s still inside of me and I can’t get him out.” It’s hard, but I have to share this with someone and Paul will not be happy hearing any of this.
Tommy rubs at his knuckles and I can sense his discomfort. He doesn’t know what to say. But he’s angry, I can feel it.
“I don’t like this shit at all Amanda, but I’m sure you know that already. I honestly don’t know what to say to help you feel better about the situation. I’m stuck. He was your first, no one can ever take that away from him. Not even you. He was your guardian and caregiver, even when you weren’t living with him. He had custody of you and you’ll never be able to erase that, especially not with Denzel tying the two of you together.”
I shrug unsure of where we go from here.
“I need to see him. I’m pretty sure I’m going to, and I’m not telling Paul about it. At least not right now.”
He nods, staring at the floor.
“I’ll take you. But I need you to tell me what you plan on getting out of this visit first?”
“Him. I just need him. He’s not going anywhere right? He haunts my dreams. He’s the father of my first born. He’s not going anywhere, so pretending he doesn’t exist and leaving him to rot alone in a cell will do nothing but make him resent me, and possibly his son. He needs me, and I need my sacrifice to not be for nothing.”
Even though Desmond was wrong for allowing me to make the decisions I made, I don’t think he deserves to suffer under the impression that no one loves or cares for him. His family has left him for dead I’m sure, I can’t imagine his super conservative, Christian mother condoning or rewarding his behavior with their show of support. They didn’t even go to the trial.
I can’ do that to him, just leave him for dead. I love him too much. And even if it isn’t true, I feel as though I owe him.
“Okay. We’ll go tomorrow. Between us.” He offers me his pinky to promise me he won’t mention it to Paul.
For once on this issue, he has my back. He understands. And that’s all I’ve wanted.
Engagement