Today, my baby turns three and my emotions are now running extremely high. Paul and I opted to throw Denzel a small party here at the house this evening, as to keep things comfortable for myself.
My parents, my brothers and their families, Paul’s mom, and Desmond are all here. On top of that, Denzel’s older sisters decided to join us for the evening too.
Desmond and I haven’t interacted much since the night I lost it in San Clemente. However, because of the way he handled things, Paul has been open to working out an arrangement with him when it comes to being involved in Denzel’s life.
It started with public outings with just the three of them, and once Desmond got custody back of his daughters from his parents, they would come along as well. And then he started picking Zelly up on the weekends. Sometimes the girls stay with us and Desmond gets time to do his own thing for a few days.
It’s a bit of a big deal with him being present today. This is the first birthday he gets to witness and be apart of. Denzel loves him. He calls Desmond his “B-dad”. Birth dad. It’s cute, especially being that Paul took to the situation surprisingly well.
We’re doing better now. At first, he was feeling some type of way, which I figured he would. After all, he had no clue I still had certain feelings about Desmond. But once he talked with Tommy, he realized I never really let go of Desmond before getting with him. One relationship just rolled into the next, and I never got the chance to properly heal.
And as gross as it sounds, Desmond raised me in a way. He’s the only guidance I had into womanhood, he was the only thing I knew from the time I got pregnant up until Denzel’s birth. He even practiced some of the birth positions with me in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. There’s some sort of fucked up paternal bond I feel to him, Tommy says. I was supposed to act like that.
Because Desmond needed to say what he said to me so that I could officially close that door and move on.
“So, 3 years ago… the craziest shit happened and I found myself a mother at 17.”
I start a speech unprovoked.
“Bringing Denzel into this world was so damn hard. I’m sorry for cursing, I’m just in disbelief truly. I love this little boy so much and initially, I was conflicted but having a kid is really cool. I love being a mom, as tough as it is. Both of my beautiful babies, and their dads, have my heart eternally and I wouldn’t have I any other way. Desmond, Paul, I speak for myself, as well as Denzel and Paulie, when I say thank you. For everything that you both do to be there. And just to support me and the kids.”
Paul’s eyes start to tear, and I feel the need to quickly wrap this monologue up.
“I love you both and I hope we can continue to raise our families together in harmony. Sasha and Shakira, the two of you are also loved and appreciated. You both are so beautiful and I am happy to have been a part of your lives these past few months. Thank you everybody for coming to celebrate with us. I love you all.”
It’s hard not to cry when my nervous system is flooded with a happy kind of grief. I have been off my medication because I’m doing much better, but I still partake from time to time. And right now, I’m high as a kite. You win some, you lose some. And I’m okay with that because I’m not a drinker much at all.
Desmond comes to find me once Paul puts Denzel to bed. I sit cross-legged in one of our huge patio chairs, ashing my joint.
Paul runs outside quickly to hit the joint.
“What? She influenced you huh?” Desmond laughs.
“I’ve got control of the stash.” He chuckles kissing me before putting it back to my lips. “I love you.” He looks into my eyes and kisses my forehead.
“Love you too.” I wave goodbye knowing I’m not going to see him for a few hours. He and Tommy will sit in that game room all night. Tommy and Coz have a room here because she gets tired and falls asleep waiting on him to be ready to leave.
I love the company though.
“He just takes a few hits, it helps him chill. And he only really uses it to decompress after a tough game or a long day in general. And his back has been killing him too… how is the Program going?”’
Desmond managed to invest some of the money he put away. He has his own year-round competitive basketball training program. It’s a paid half-day school for home-schoolers and a free aftercare program for low-income families.
Denzel is in his T-Team camp on weekends.
“I love it. I make my own schedule, the business side of things is handled well. The kids are great and I feel I have a strong stock of future pro-ballers. I’ve won two rings. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I’m content. And my girls have really come around. They love their little brother, Amanda. We made a beautiful kid.” He reaches for the joint.
I pass it to him exhaling.
“Thank you so much, for your grace and your kindness throughout this whole ordeal. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and you make me happy. Regardless of our situation, you will always make me truly happy. This is going to confuse you. But I did really love you.” He stares into my eyes.
How dare he? Tell me something I already knew as if I was stupid enough to believe his lies?
“I still do love you. I had to say what I said that night you came to see me to break your heart, you had to let me go Amanda. We just weren’t made for each other in that way and that’s okay. We have a child together, that’s the strongest bond there is to share with someone. The two of us are stuck with each other for life. Denzel is a tie that can’t be broken. So you still have me, just in a different way.”
I nod understanding, and I completely agree. My fingers slickly slide the joint from between his.
“I agree with you. And thank you for telling me the truth. I came to the conclusion on my own that you were full of shit. But the part of me that knew I didn’t know for sure couldn’t let go of the pain those words caused. I forgive you but I can’t forget how it felt to hear that shit. You did what you intended to do.”
I owe myself another long inhale.
“However much I may still think that I want you, Paul is my person. At least for now. I think we’ll always be together but I’ve learned to accept the fact that sometimes you have to change the way you love someone. Loving from a distance is still a way to care. You care that the person is better off elsewhere. So I’m happy being your “baby mama”. Just don’t make me put your ass on child support, you know how petty I can be.” I playfully roll my eyes as he laughs, shaking his head.
“I don’t know where your brother gets your ghetto ass from.” He finds it so funny. “Y’all are like, the beach boy and the bougie bum with a bad attitude. I’m amazed for real. And then you got this country ass momma and a Caribbean for a dad. This family is fucking strange, that’s why you crazy as hell.” He gets up and kisses my cheek. “Let me go ahead and get away from y’all for the night.”
I laugh. I have to get up to hug him.
“Goodnight Des.”
“Goodnight Amanda.”
Paulina is sound asleep, snuggled up against her dark brown bunny named Cocoa. As my baby girl snores, resting on her father’s lap, I jump on my brother to hug him.
“Thank you for being such a great uncle Tommy. Where’s Tati?” I look around for Talia’s who is usually all up under him, the same way Paulina is with Paul.
He kisses my temple wrapping one arm around me while remaining focused on the game.
“Mhmm. Love you too. What the fuck bro?” He shoves Paul aggressively.
Paul falls into a fit of laughter that threatens to wake the baby.
As I move to grab her gently, but she starts to cry.
“I know Paw Paw.” I kiss her little ear before laying her head down on my chest to get her back rested. “I’m going to put our sweet little baby down, you’ve got 20 minutes to come to bed or I’m locking the door.”
“Come on. Just chill baby. I’mma be up there in a second.”
“20 minutes.”
He kisses his teeth. ”Okay.”
I stare at myself in the mirror and smile amazed. I’m a mother to two beautiful babies God sent me so that I would know love in its purest form. I am forever grateful for my family.
I’m so strong and compassionate I’ve come to learn. I am worthy of everything I want.
“You did that shit boo.” I whisper to myself smiling.
“Yeah you did!” I jump, startled by the sound of Paul’s voice. He moves up behind me, pressing me into the counter with his weight a bit. “You look happy.” His arms snake around my waist.
“I am.” I chuckle.
“You look beautiful.” He kisses my shoulder.
I turn around and smile at him as he puts his forehead to mine.
“You’re my one Amanda. I’m so happy to see that you’re doing better.”
I rest my arms up on his shoulders.
“Yeah, I’m okay. How are you?”
He smiles.
“I’m good baby. I was just a little worried about you. I worry about the kids a lot too. When I have to leave them, and you. They are just so busy, I sometimes fear they are going to move, or do something, wrong and get hurt. You know Denzel climbed up on the counter the other day, opened the cabinet, and then proceeded to try make himself a bowl of cereal. The milk is pretty low in the fridge and he knows how to use a stool. I was on the phone with Tyshon and didn’t even notice that he creeped off. I snatched his ass up so fast.” He shakes his head hissing.
I nod laughing aggressively.
“That’s our kids for ya. Paulina is such a little doll though. She’s stopped saying “no” to a lot of things. She’s much more agreeable of late, just playful.”
“That’s our cool ass kids.”
I kiss him. His lips are sweet, they taste like the crust of his mother’s pound cake. The cake was so delicious, I could go for another piece right now.
“I want some more cake.” I whisper against his mouth. He sticks his tongue into my mouth and pulls my face into his.
His hands move to caress my behind.
“I want some cake too.” He kisses my neck.
I shake my head no staring into his eyes.
I lean back against the mirror. “This pussy closed at midnight. You missed your chance.”
He frowns.
“It’s never closed for me.” He smiles. “For everybody else, it’s closed yes.” He rubs up and down my thighs and then he wraps my legs around his waist furthering our kiss.
“There is no one else though. No one else is worth my time or attention.” I know he needs the validation too. All men do, whether they say it or not. “I remember the first time I saw you… and this is going to sound crazy in retrospect, but seeing you in that green and orange outfit…” I hiss.
He looks surprised.
“Mhmm, I wanted to fuck you. My young ass was in heat.” I allow myself a moment of self-reflection. “I just thought you were so handsome. You looked very regal in the face to me. Your smile was infectious. I loved how we just looked at each other and started laughing when Ke’Andre’s drunk ass got good into his speech at that man’s reception.” I cackle loudly reliving that moment.
We just locked eyes and it was like I instantly knew I had a friend. I was so uncomfortable all dressed up and out like that around a bunch of strangers who all kept calling me “cute”. My parents were out of town so I was kicking it with Tommy for the week and got dragged to his functions.
He nods laughing.
“I was just like, damn. She thinking the same shit, he’s goofy. And then you came to talk to me and I could’ve sworn you were much older than you were. You know the crazy thing about that whole night, after you came and danced up on me…” He kisses my cheek.
I definitely did dance with him. I felt like I was doing some serious shit back then. Running with the big dogs as my dad would put it.
“Desmond was the one that pulled me aside and told me you were Tommy’s sister. And that if I knew what was good for me, I wouldn’t cross him like that by getting with you.”
Wow.
“I truly have nothing to say to that. Let’s just talk about you.” I pull our faces back together.
I want him to feel just as loved as I do. It’s only natural that I rub my hands up and down the back of his shoulders, whispering sweet everything’s into his ear.
“You just feel like home.” My whole body clings to him. I love laying up under him, the warmth of him, and the feeling of his heart beating fast when I’m in his arms. I can feel it in my back when we cuddle.
The way he looks at me when he’s thinking about what I could possibly want or need in the moment also does a lot for me. He never wants me to go without. He takes care of me, of us. He’s supportive of my desire to finish school and go through with the whole nursing thing, but he doesn’t care if I really follow through with it or not.
I feel like I have to though, just to make sure I’m cared for in the event I no longer have anyone to rely on. At the end of the day, it’s easier for him to leave than it is for me to do so. Men tend to detach the moment they lose love for their women. But when they detach, it’s not just from the woman but the kids too.
Who will care for them if I can’t when it’s all said and done? If it gets to being “all said and done”. I have to stick this out for them.
“You are my home. And despite what you make think sometimes, I’m never leaving, I’ll die before you get that wish.” He holds my gaze and his voice tickles my brain. “You are my harmony.”
Engagement